When there is anger and aggression, do the wise thing: look inward first.
Why start with you? Because you can't change others! Be wise. Start with yourself.
Anger and aggression? Other people can be crazy-making. No doubt! And, they can be scary: demeaning, belittling, demanding, threatening. All those things are aggressive.
And, you so want to stop that aggression. It's ugly. It's usually unfair. It's a grab for power in a relationship. And, it's infuriating.
How you respond is about who you are. Yes, that's true!
You tell the world who you are by everything you do. It doesn't matter what you say, if your behavior tells a different story:
"If I didn't love you so much, I wouldn't be yelling at you, trying to get this through your thick skull."
Ever heard something like that? The speaker is suggesting that, because s/he loves you, s/he has the right to engage in verbal and emotional abuse. Are you going to believe their words, or their behavior?
People in denial believe the words. People who are not believe the behavior. It's that simple...but, it's often not that easy.
You want to believe that someone loves you. You need to believe that someone loves you. But, when it comes with anger and aggression, it comes into question, doesn't it? It doesn't sound like love or feel like love. It's not loving behavior, for sure. And, when it happens often, it feels like being beaten up, put down, and worn away.
I invite you to sit down and think about what's really going on when there is often anger and aggression coming at you. You first want to be clear about your behavior, and then you'll have a better ability to see the other person's behavior for what it really is. I made this video to help you with your thinking.
Hijackals®! That's the name I coined for people who hijack relationships for their own purposes, while relentlessly scavenging them for power, status, and control. You may not be with a Hijackal, however, your partner may behave like one from time to time. If those times are too many, go over to Hijackals.com and download my free ebook, How To Spot A Hijackal, and find out. You need different strategies for Hijackals than for people who are simply having an occasional bad day!
If you have a #Hijackal in your life, or think you might have, and need help to know your next best steps - subscribe to my Tips for Relationships, and listen to my Podcasts. Or better yet, start with an introductory session. Talk soon!
Dr. Rhoberta Shaler
The Relationship Help Doctor
Disclaimer: all advice, insights and suggestions made here are not to be construed as psychological or legal advice. Any actions you undertake as a result of reading any article, book, ebook or blog post from Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, are entirely your own. Having worked with individuals and couples for more than twenty-five years, she offers her opinions for your consideration only.