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TOXIC SHAME - Why Narcissists NEED You to Feel WORTHLESS
Unless they want something badly, narcissists want you to be in emotional chaos. In fact, they want you to feel less than and inadequate. Back-handed and blindsiding, they do their best to keep you off center and uncertain. Learn about toxic shame and how it may be playing out in your inner dialogue and in your relationship with a narcissistic parent and/or partner. See it so you can stop […]
Looking for transcripts? We are working at updating all episodes. You can find alternate posts here with many transcripts.
Straight, compassionate talk to help you clearly see the patterns, traits, and cycles of the relentlessly difficult people I call Hijackals®. Understand what’s really going on within their volatile or passive-aggressive ways.
You particularly need to tune in if you are in any way being abused: devalued, demeaned, dismissed, and discounted verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually.
Then, see the cycles and know your best next steps: what has to change within you, and between you and the Hijackal in order to make good decisions and changes to manage these difficult, toxic–often disturbing–relationships!
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Is THIS Narcissistic? Q&A with Dr. Rhoberta Shaler
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on September 12, 2023 at 3:21 AM
New! Your questions are the focus for this episode. Narcissistic or not so much? What are you wondering about? Recognizing the patterns, traits and cycles that ARE narcissistic is wise...AND so is discerning what is NOT narcissistic. Ask your questions in the chat and I'll answer them as clearly as I can. HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:Questions from audience about narcissistic traits Are alcoholics […]
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Triangulation is Manipulation
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on August 29, 2023 at 4:11 AM
TRIANGULATION. See It. Say No, Step Away,. Understanding what triangulation really is allows you to see it more clearly and step away more readily. Get the inside scoop on this in your life. Once you see it, you can do something about it. You'll feel SO much better when you do.HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:What triangulation isWhy narcissistic people use triangulationHow to recognize the abuse of […]
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Saying "NO" to a Narcissist & Making It STICK!
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on August 22, 2023 at 3:32 AM
Narcissists HATE to hear "NO!" You don't want to be a pretzel or a doormat, so you NEED to say NO when you mean it. Overtime, a Hijackal® may wear you down and try to get what they want by any means. How do you make NO mean NO...and make it stick? You already know how little a Hijackal® wants to be denied. A "NO" means that to them and they don't take it happily...or lying down. HIGHLIGHTS OF […]
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How Narcissists Create SITUATIONSHIPS NOT RELATIONSHIPS
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on August 15, 2023 at 3:13 AM
It's all rosy, dreamy, and forever in the beginning...until it's not! You try and try to recapture interest, regain emotional intimacy, and re-examine every inch of your mental, physical, emotional self, and still the connection is intermittent. That's because narcissists--all Hijackals--create situationships NOT relationships. You NEED the clarity of this distinction to really accept the […]
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Have a NARCISSISTIC ADULT CHILD? 21 Things NOT to Do
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on August 8, 2023 at 3:03 AM
Having a Hijackal adult child is confusing, infuriating, disappointing, and frustrating among many other things. (And, it's worse when your child creates children!) What you DON'T do is as important as what you do. Listen to this episode to hear 21 things to think about right away. If you can refrain from doing these 21 things, you'll be empowered and no longer feel like a hostage to the […]
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Narcissists ARE Revenge-Seekers
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on August 1, 2023 at 3:22 AM
You may not think about it like that, AND, it's true. Narcissists ARE Revenge-Seekers. Whether the revenge is subtle or obvious, small or huge, it's still revenge. Once you see what I mean, you'll see it clearly in your relationship...and, I hope you won't un-see it! It's nasty.Revenge is the action of inflicting hurt or harm on someone for an injury or wrong you think they caused you. […]
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Stuck on a Partner's POTENTIAL Instead of Their REALITY?
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on July 25, 2023 at 3:28 AM
You can get terrible stuck--for a very long time--by buying into a partner's potential. You can see how it could be, so you hope it will be. There's the mistake. See the differences today so you can make healthier decisions right away.Open your mind to the idea that you keep buying into promises that never materialize. Is that possible? When you step back and look at the patterns, it's often the […]
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How NOT to Confuse BEING USED with BEING LOVED
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on July 18, 2023 at 5:45 AM
It's confusing. You see what you think are loving behaviors. Then, you start wondering, but give a narcissist the benefit of the doubt. Then, you're in a pattern where things have gone lop-sided, pear-shaped, and somewhat south before you realized that you've confused being used for being loved. SO IMPORTANT TO SEE THE DIFFERENCE! Listen in.You SO want to believe it is love. I understand that, […]
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Narcissists Use INSULTS Because They Can't Use LOGIC!
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on July 11, 2023 at 3:40 AM
Insults are a low, low form of expressing disagreement. Not strange that narcissists stoop that low, is it? Their incessant NEED to win means they will go low in hopes of winning quickly. Sad & nasty! Insults only show emotional immaturity. Think of the playground.Insults are the arguments employed by those who are in the wrong, said the philosopher, Rosseau. SO TRUE of narcissistic […]
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NARCISSISTS = The Ultimate Frenemies
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on July 4, 2023 at 4:06 AM
You want a best friend and a narcissist won't be one. You want a confidante and a narcissist uses your words against you. At best, Hijackals® are frenemies. You're unsafe around them. You feel the lack of safety, but sometimes you don't want to admit it. You recognize the friend/foe nature of them, and don't want it to be so. Listen in to why it is important to recognize that frenemies is as […]
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Narcissists are AWKWARD. ANGRY & ARGUMENTATIVE
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on June 27, 2023 at 3:48 AM
Sure, narcissistic folks can be charming when you meet them. You just don't know what's lurking in the background, right? It can happen quickly that Hijackals® go from charming to manipulative, but it may take a while to catch on to what's going on. Basically, though, they are awkward, angry, and argumentative.In this episode, I talk about what "awkward" really means, and why it applies so well […]
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Giving TOO MUCH? Empathy & Compassion Can TURN TOXIC!
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on June 20, 2023 at 4:19 AM
In healthy situations, you would never think that empathy and compassion could have downsides, right? When you're with a Hijackal, a narcissistic, or other endlessly difficult person, you can find that you've stepped over into some strange land where empathy and compassion cause you to suffer. SO IMPORTANT to recognize when too much is too much and it's hurting you.You'll also benefit from the […]
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Is a Narcissistic Hijackal Blowing Up Your Phone?
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on June 13, 2023 at 4:10 AM
A BIG complaint I hear so often is that the partner of a narcissistic person--a Hijackal®--is blowing up their phone...daily. It's such a sign of things going sideways, and it slides into that territory too easily! How do you know when it's too frequent? Too unreasonable? Too disrespectful? Then, what can you do about it? Listen in. This is basic to your well-being....and, more importantly, your […]
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How Narcissists EXPLOIT Your Natural Longing for Love & Belonging
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on June 6, 2023 at 5:12 AM
It is natural to want to be loved and love. We organically want to belong. Absolutely! It's healthy, too. However, narcissistic people and all Hijackals excel at manipulating you and your feelings for their own purposes.You give and give, and still it's not enough. Then, they tell you that their poor treatment of you is not abuse, it's because you're inadequate. (Sad.) Not true. You are being […]
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Narcissists are Masters of Crazy-making WhatAboutism
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on May 30, 2023 at 4:58 AM
Ever feel your head spin when you're trying to express your feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs to a Hijackal? Of course, you have. That's because they are masters of this phenomena know as WhatAboutIsm or WhatAboutery. It's a powerful defense and deflection strategy narcissists use to confuse! Learn what it sounds like because you already know what it feels like. When you recognize it and name […]
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NARCISSISTS! Do They Hurt You on Purpose?
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on May 23, 2023 at 4:07 AM
People ask so often: Do narcissists and other HIjackals know that they are being mean, difficult, coercive, dismissive, and more? You want to know. In this episode, I'll lay it out and explain it all, ONCE AND FOR ALL. Listen and take it in because knowing this answer can change your relationship forever.When you recognize what the narcissist or any other Hijackal does on purpose, you'll be […]
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Narcissists: Rigid Thinkers Who Demand to be Right
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on May 16, 2023 at 3:38 AM
Rigid thinking and what-about-ism are seriously linked. Know someone who is rigid in their thinking? They are RIGHT and that's all there is to it? And, if you don't agree with them, you're wrong...and, that there is something wrong with you? Hijackals® do that! Even entertaining your thoughts or feelings for a hot second is not on their playlist. Learn how pervasive this is so that you can […]
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Why Emotional Abusers Prefer People-Pleasers Who Fawn
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on May 9, 2023 at 3:50 AM
Maybe, you're too nice. You fawn. You'll do anything to keep the peace...or, at least, sidestep potential rage if you can. Peace at any price, you may say. Maybe, you find yourself fawning. (Hear more about that in the episode, too!) Emotional abusers appreciate fawning. It's easier for them and they don't care about you. ESSENTIAL to see these dynamics clearly if they are playing out in any […]
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SETTLING for Crumbs Leads to EMOTIONAL MALNUTRITION
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on May 2, 2023 at 3:58 AM
Narcissistic people starve you in so many ways. Every now and again a narcissist--a Hijackal--is kind, offers a compliment, or shows interest in your feelings. THOSE ARE CRUMBS. You may be so starved that those crumbs feel like a feast. You make a big deal of it, and think the world has reset in your favor. NO! The Hijackal wants something from you and knows how to get it. It's important to see […]
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Narcissists PURPOSEFULLY Misunderstand You
by Dr. Rhoberta Shaler on April 25, 2023 at 3:37 AM
So infuriating! Endlessly frustrating! Trying to talk with a narcissistic person--or any Hijackal--can be crazy-making. It usually is if you dare to even remotely want to discuss the dynamics of your relationship. You've likely been upset by their purposeful misunderstanding of what you say, what you do, and what you want. Why do they do it? What can you do about it? Listen in.Hijackals--those […]
