Save Your Sanity: Help for Toxic Relationships

by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD on July 1, 2019 at 4:43 AM

Being abused is a BIG deal! Not recognizing it is also a BIG deal.Often, when it happens when you are young, it becomes buried in the fabric of your life and you don't realize that you are operating from it. That happens too often.Maybe, you've downplayed the emotional abuse, or any other kind of abuse, in your mind to somehow make it alright, or at least, tolerable. Maybe, you've made up excuses for the other person. Or, worse, you've taken on the blame for the abuse on yourself!No. The very […]

by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD on June 23, 2019 at 8:08 PM

You're been in the relationship for a while. Maybe, it's even your parent! Or, a new partner?Or, you're waking up to the fact that you simply cannot please your partner because s/he WILL NOT be pleased, no matter what you do! Your partner may be a #Hijackal®.Your partner may have narcissistic behaviors and self-centered motives.Your partner may have anti-social behaviors.Your partner may incapable of empathy, and therefore, incapable of real love. You need to know these six red flags! These […]

by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD on June 17, 2019 at 5:24 AM

Are you caught in The Hijackal Trap? You really need to know, so you can make clear choices. The Hijackal® Trap is often very hard to recognize because it is often subterranean, deep in the murky areas of the relationships only showing up every now and again. Or, maybe, it's showing up increasingly frequency now, and you need to know right away. You get glimpses of it in confusing early moments in your relationship, and if you're like most people with a desire to be in love, you ignore […]

by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD on June 10, 2019 at 4:44 AM

You're out! You likely took a long time to make the decision to leave the narcissist, or in my terms, the #Hijackal. You also likely talked yourself out of it more than a few times, right? Then, you make your move for all the right reasons. It's difficult AND you do it. Uh-oh! Now, you're second-guessing your decision, and beating yourself up a bit. NO! Please don't! Remind yourself that you left for all the right reasons. Not so easy when you're feeling unsure, alone, and maybe even a little […]

by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD on June 3, 2019 at 4:36 AM

Oh, my! I can imagine that for a few folks the title of today's episode caused them a brief moment of near apoplexy!No, I didn't choose it for its shock value, nor did I choose it to be controversial. I chose it because there are a few things about unconditional love that you may not know, and maybe, you may have a little blind belief that to be a "good" person. you must strive to be unconditionally loving to all people at all times. Not so.Before you set your hair on fire--or want to do that […]

by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD on May 27, 2019 at 4:00 AM

You've left, or you're close to leaving. It's scary! Sometimes, you're so sure you need to leave. Too often, you're second-guessing yourself. I hear clients, and people in my groups, say, "I want out of this relationship, no matter what the cost." And I understand that too well. When there is physical or sexual abuse, you may need to leave immediately. You're saying, "I'm at the end of my rope and I don't have the energy or will to tie a knot! I've been there. I know. I also know, though, that […]

by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD on May 18, 2019 at 8:08 PM

Don't make your children feel like pawns, messengers, or casualties of your divorce! In a perfect world, after divorce, your children would only know that life is more peaceful with two homes, and that they miss the way things used to be with both parents in the home. (Of course, if there was a lot of tension, bickering, and anger, they won't miss that at all!) When you co-parent well, you eliminate exposing the children to adult issues. Right? I sure hope you said "Yes!" Children have enough […]

by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD on May 7, 2019 at 12:44 AM

#Hijackals--those relentlessly difficult, demanding people--NEED to be the center of the attention, the star of the show, the center of your Universe. And, they have to come first. You, then, are expected to be their adoring, validating audience, clapping at the least of their ideas. Exhausting, and inappropriate...at the least! Whether they take center stage by being charming, or by being nasty, doesn't matter to them, as long as they occupy that space and garner your attention. […]

by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD on April 28, 2019 at 7:12 PM

"It's crazy-making! No matter how wrong s/he is, it's always my fault!" Have you ever said that about a parent, partner, ex, friend, sibling, co-worker? Infuriating! Frustrating! Endless! It has to stop. And, unfortunately, that's up to you. A #Hijackal--a relentlessly difficult person with narcissistic, anti-social, borderline or histrionic behaviors--will never entertain the remote possibility that s/he has made a mistake, or is wrong. Right? Nasty! #Hijackals have been damaged in ways that […]

by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD on April 21, 2019 at 6:51 PM

Do you bend over backwards to keep people happy? Do you try to live up to other people's expectations? If you answered "Yes" to either of those, you may be accepting a relationship that is actually emotionally unsafe for you. It may be a toxic relationship! Another way to know if you need to question your emotional safety is to recognize that you fell in love with someone who swept you off your feet, and seemed absolutely perfect, and now, you find yourself with a person who puts you down and […]