Have you watched my video series here, "Hallmarks of Hijackals?"
If so, you know a whole lot about the person you have in mind.
Now, it's time to focus on you.
When you're first with a Hijackal, you don't know it. You're involved in the joy, wonder, and newness of this delightful, charming person who has popped into your life. You cannot believe your luck. Fate sent you a soulmate...at last.
That's how it feels...at first.
Soon, you begin to think you might have been a bit hasty. Who is this person really? Certainly, s/he is not seeming like that perfect match you thought you'd made.
You begin adapting, bending, and changing. Soon, you're a pretzel. Now, how does it feel?
This video gives you some insights into how you know you're with a Hijackal, by how you FEEL most days.
See if this is true for you.
What does being with a Hijackal™ actually feel like?
Is this going on within you? (Transcript below)
Hi, I'm Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor and I thought you might want to just have a really strong description of what it feels like to have a Hijackal™ in your life because if it feels like this that’s what’s going on for you.
So, if you have a Hijackal™ in your life they I hesitate to say they charmed the pants off you early on, you actually felt that they just knew you better than anyone else, you were astonished how well they could anticipate your needs, and how attentive and wonderful they were and you weren’t noticing they were trying to quickly move you to a place of being connected to them, just them being committed to them, maybe pushing you to move in or getting hitched or getting married quickly and you are having this wonderful hormone haze and you say this is fabulous and both of you are just so perfect for each other that your rose colored glasses are working overtime and you almost fail to see the red flags and you can’t be blamed for that because that’s the whole purpose a Hijackal™ is to have that actual experience with you so that they can get you and once they get you every day thereafter it will be a “gotcha”. They have something to complain about, something to make you wrong about, and something they don’t like. You are making an agreement with a Hijackal™ and you think you’ve got it nailed down when there comes time to enact that agreement they say, ‘I would never have agreed to that, what you were thinking? There you go again making things up.
Now you begin to see that this may sound familiar to you because it’s just what they do. So a Hijackal has to win, you have heard that in my videos, read that in what have written and so think about how that feels if every time you go to bring out something, like even setting the table and you have a disagreement because the Hijackal has to win, you begin to question sanity and second guess yourself and that’s not a good place to be because the feelings that go along with that are defeating. And the more you try to please because you are a good Christian, a nice Christian you are trying to extend yourself, you are trying to make the relationship work, the more you try to please that person the pickier they get and the moodier they get and just when you think you know exactly what they like they change their mind because Hijackals™ have to win. So if you thought you were going to please a Hijackal™ by doing something they would recognize that immediately and they would now not be pleased by that because now they will then have nothing to focus on, nothing to make you wrong for.
So being with a Hijackal™ is a crazy making experience and it starts sometimes slowly you know a little slip of the tongue, a little group comment here and there and you say ouch! and they would apologize but pretty soon escalates and it tends to slip through your relationships in two different places and you probably notice that being with a Hijackal™ is a first time experience in this way because they treat you at home in ways that nobody else ever sees and that’s very very purposeful on their part because they can keep you down, they can keep you uncertain, Hijackals™ traffic in uncertainty and guilt and as long as they can keep things vague and uncertain so that you never are working on anything excels then they feel they have control over you and they do, right? And that’s how you feel, you feel controlled, you feel uncertain, like how can I move, in which direction can I move to be safe? That’s what it feels like to be with a Hijackal™ and then you can’t trust them when they are not with you because they say things that are outrageous and then you would hear about them when you say that they are not true, damage already done.
So you can feel very alone and that’s when hallmarks of a Hijackal in the treatment of their partner not just within themselves but in the treatment of their partner they wanna call you from the herd, they wanna separate you from your friends, they wanna separate you from what you knew is your reality and create a reality for you and you know that you have seen one of my videos on gas lighting. Now gas lighting is when they want to tell you what your reality is even though you don’t agree, even though it’s not what you said or experienced that you went through they would you what it is that happened and they would try to get you to feel like you are going a little crazy. And that’s how they traffic in uncertainty.
Another way the Hijackals make you feel is small. It’s the little looks, it’s the little putdowns, it’s the slight remarks, it’s the supposedly funny one liners in front of people that they hope they know you well enough that you won’t respond negatively to and then you are beginning to show the world that is right with you that the Hijackal has you trapped because you don’t respond to those zingers and the one liners and the dirty looks because it will cost you that nice person who is not going to make waves and I want to invite you to think about the fact that you can be a nice, good, assertive person. You have that right; you have the right to be nice, and good and assertive, all at the same time.
And assertive simply means that you know that you deserve to take up space and draw breadth that you can say how you think, what you feel, what you need, and what you want without speaking about anybody else. Just within you, you know what you think, feel, need and want and you’re willing to say so. We get into trouble when we appear to judge other people and we blame people or accuse people or suggest that they made us feel a certain way, that’s never true. However, you absolutely have the right to be assertive to say that I think this, I feel this, I need this, I want this and you are not saying from you or you are not saying anything about another human being its talking about what’s going on with you and I have two chapters on that in my book “Kaizen for couples” and what I call this is “The personal weather report”, you are giving a personal weather report, what’s going on in here and you have that right and that’s what it means to be assertive.
So if any of this things that I am saying are what is going on within you, if you are feeling this way, if you are feeling the putdown, you are feeling degraded, you are feeling the belittling, you are feeling the dismissing that’s if you don’t matter, the invalidated. Sit up and think about that, it’s not that you are a bad person; it’s not that you are not thoughtful or considerate good or nice, it is that you are not assertive; it is that you are not setting boundaries. And when I work with my clients, the very first thing that I have, and you know I work with people who are the partners, the ex’s, adult, children or chronically difficult people that I call Hijackals. When I first work with those people, it’s really important for them to do their own work, to be able to accord themselves their right to be assertive and sometimes that’s so lost, so buried so deeply and that we have to work to bring it to the surface and says who am I now? Because other people have been telling you who you are and you have believed them. Not happily but you have been believing them and you have been thinking you are stuck and you are not.
If you have a #Hijackal in your life, or think you might have, get my free ebook, How To Spot A Hijackal, at Hijackals.com Need help to know your next best steps? If you would like more help, subscribe to my Tips for Relationships, and listen to my Podcasts. Start with an introductory session. Talk soon!