Is everything–somehow–always your fault?
Do you so much want to believe your partner loves you, yet, you are so frequently being hurt?
Do you justify your partner’s behavior with “S/he is just having a bad day, a bad time, under stress” too often?
People who cannot allow themselves to think for one minute that something could be their fault are troubled, fragile, and very difficult to be in relationship with. Things have happened to them in their young lives that have created patterns of thought, feeling, and behavior designed to keep themselves safe and surviving. Perhaps one of their parents had the same patterns. Perhaps one of their parents were cold, distant, demanding, competitive, or neglectful. Those things lead children to develop these coping mechanisms. And, to making everything always your fault!
You can have compassion for someone with a sad, miserable, or threatening childhood, and I hope you do. No one with a heart likes to hear about what amounts to abuse for anyone. BUT, that does not justify their abusive behavior towards you. And, I hope you’re not justifying it, rationalizing it, or excusing it either. I use the word “abuse” on purpose. That’s what it is.
Compassion, yes. Condoning or enabling their behavior further, no!
You’ll suffer, struggle, and take the blame for things that are not your fault. You’ll become a target for them, a place to unload all their anger, resentment, and meanness that they could not express when they were young. All that was stifled, trapped inside them as they struggled to survive. Then, you come along. You are loving, accepting, and encouraging. Maybe, you’re even a bit of a people-pleaser. They see you coming, a perfect target of blame. They work at making you feel not good enough, too.
If everything is always your fault, and you’re to blame for everything, you may be with what I call a “chronically difficult person.”
I call them Hijackals®. These are folks who hijack your relationship for their own purposes. They relentlessly scavenge it for power, status, and control. They must be right. They must win, even in the smallest possible things.
If this is sounding familiar, watch this video and learn about other traits of Hijackals. It can open you up to realizing that you’re not being loved, you’re being used…and abused.
This video could be a turning point for you, or for someone you share it with.
I’ve been there. I know. I was raised by Hijackals, courted by them, married them, divorced them, co-parented with them…and, then, did the hard work to never be “Hijackal Bait” again. You can, too. That’s why I do the work I do to help you.
You can go for years trying to convince yourself that you’re loved when you’re actually being verbally and/or emotionally abused.
What’s true for you? Will you go on letting everything be always your fault?
I’m Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor. I specialize in helping the partners, exes, and adult children of chronically difficult people, aka Hijackals. Get my free ebook, How To Spot A Hijackal, at Hijackals.com
Or better yet, start with an introductory session. Talk soon!