Do you ever have a day when you don't feeling like risking getting out of bed in the morning? I'm talking about feelings, not about facts.
You could be the president of the United States and know that it is fact that it matters if you get up, but you still don't feel like it! You're feeling beat up by other people. You're too worn-out, not by tasks, but by "haters."
I know that I get out of bed in the morning to help people who are hurting have healthier relationships with themselves and others. That's my mission, but I'm not talking about knowing your mission. I'm talking about the feeling that maybe you don't want to subject yourself to scrutiny and it feels safer to pull the covers over your head.
I carefully made this distinction because it is SO important: feelings are not facts. Feelings change and facts don't. But it sure feels like a fact when the feeling takes over, right?
This is on my mind today because of what we now seem to call "haters." That is a new popular term for people who judge you because you breathe, you don't meet their standards of perfection, or share their ideas or beliefs. You say something that they are afraid is true about them and they HAVE to reject it vociferously. And, they are happy to tell the world why you are wrong, and maybe go so far as to suggest that you should not be taking up space. Only their opinion matters.
I'm quite visible with my blogs, articles, and videos. And thankfully, most people express gratitude in their comments. But, then, there are "haters" who also show up to comment. Mostly, their comments demonstrate their hating through the limited language they use, and the derogatory labels they throw out. They show that they have limited ability to express themselves, probably feel threatened, and have little willingness to be open-minded or self-reflective. They are just lashing out because of their own pain or feelings of inadequacy. Blasting someone else doesn't take their pain away, but it makes them feel superior for a second or two. But, just because those things are true doesn't mean that sometimes their comments don't get under my skin, and make me wonder why I bother getting out of bed some mornings. That's what feelings are all about!
Maybe this happens to you: you have someone in your family or at work who just wants attention, needs to be right, and needs to make everyone else wrong in order to do that. They are not happy until other people have been demeaned, belittled, or in some way, controlled by them. You become their target, sometimes for a minute, sometimes forever. Nothing you do is good enough. It doesn't matter to them that you have the right to your thoughts, ideas, and opinions. Even if you are right about something, they have to make you wrong for speaking, thinking, or, taking up time or space! They just spew forth!
I know that's a strong example, but it happens, and that's how it feels!
When that happens, join me in remembering this:
HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE.
No one has the need to put others down unless they are struggling to feel better about themselves in some unfortunately misguided way. They need relationship help, and they are unlikely to want it.
Breathe. Let it go. Shake it off. It's not about you. It's about them. Now, get out of bed, and show up. Be you. Express yourself positively. Don't give them the power to get--or keep--you down!
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
The Relationship Help Doctor
Disclaimer: All advice, insights and suggestions made here are not to be construed as psychological or legal advice. Any actions you undertake as a result of reading any article, book, video, ebook or blog post from Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, are entirely your own. Having worked with individuals and couples for more than twenty-five years, she offers her insights and opinions for your consideration only.