Originally published on Codependency Recovery Council
A doormat is a person who doesn’t take a stand in life for their values, vision, purpose, beliefs, desires or worth. They are more interested in keeping the peace, or living up to the expectations of others. Does that sound like the kind of person you want to be?
Start by recognizing that relationships are two-way streets and no one deserves to be treated like a doormat.
That means you need to not let your partner walk all over you or take advantage of you. No one deserves to be in a relationship where they feel taken advantage of or like they are always being walked on. If you find yourself in a situation like this, it is important to take a step back and reassess the situation. It may be that your partner is taking advantage of your good nature or that they are simply used to getting their own way. Either way, it is important to communicate your needs and set boundaries.
Be sure to communicate your needs clearly and directly. It can be difficult to express how we feel, especially if we fear that doing so will lead to a verbal altercation. However, it is important to remember that verbal abuse is not an acceptable form of communication. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel like you’re being verbally abused, it is important to be assertive and speak up for yourself. This may mean having a difficult conversation.
Finally, don’t be afraid to set boundaries in your relationship or walk away from it altogether if necessary. We all have a need for connection and intimacy; it is part of what makes us human. However, in order to have healthy relationships, it is important to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Boundaries provide a sense of safety and security, and allow us to feel comfortable sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others. When boundaries are weak or nonexistent, we may feel overwhelmed, taken advantage of, or even trapped. On the other hand, overly rigid boundaries can lead to isolation and feelings of disconnection. By striking a balance between too little and too much, we can create relationships that are characterized by respect, trust, and communication. Ultimately, healthy boundaries are essential for any thriving relationship.
Healthy relationships are NOT barter systems.
Healthy relationships are ones that demonstrate mutual respect, love, attention and trust. The partners care enough to learn how to communicate well, how to create true intimacy, and how to manage anger and conflict effectively. Barter relationships happen in marketplaces, not homes. Sure, occasionally we’ll trade off chores at home, or take turns selecting the movie to watch. That’s not a foundational barter system.
Do you feel like you’re always giving, and never getting anything back in return? You may be involved in a barter system.
Healthy relationships are ones that demonstrate mutual respect, love, attention and trust. The partners care enough to learn how to communicate well, how to create true intimacy, and how to manage anger and conflict effectively. Barter relationships happen in marketplaces, not homes. Sure, occasionally we’ll trade off chores at home, or take turns selecting the movie to watch. That’s not a foundational barter system
Barter systems are based on give-and-take: I’ll do this for you if you do that for me. It’s a way of trying to get what we want from our partner by using threats or guilt trips: If you don’t do this for me, then I won’t do that for you. This is not only ineffective but can also be damaging to the relationship over time. If this sounds familiar, it’s time to break the cycle and find a healthier way of relating to your partner.
What you have to be on guard for is the score keeping!
That’s the tell-tale sign. You know, the sign that comes on in neon lights when you have a disagreement, argument or fight. You may be disagreeing over the credit card bill. Instead of keeping the conversation to the credit card bill, the conversation escalates to the “You always….” and “You never….” and “The last three times….” You get the drift…and the further you drift away from talking about that credit card bill, the further back you will have to come to EVER talk about that credit card bill!
Now, doormats cower at the idea of score keeping. They are almost afraid of it. Perfectionism and low self-esteem play a part in this. They are afraid to be in the wrong, and also afraid of being made wrong when they are in the right. Big neon lights again! This relationship is unhealthy.
Everyone deserves to be listened to, not just heard.
Doormats listen, but they don’t speak up. Some don’t think they deserve to take up space or take breath. Some are just tired of fighting. In either case, relationship help is what you need…and, right away! If you need communication, anger management or conflict management skills, get them…now!
When two people come together in a relationship, it is important that there is a sense of equality and balance. Both partners should feel like they are valued and respected, and neither should feel like they are being taken advantage of. Unfortunately, some people stay in relationships where they are constantly being treated like a doormat. They may put up with their partner’s bad behavior out of fear of being alone, or because they believe that they deserve to be treated this way. This is not healthy for either person involved.
In any relationship, it is important for both parties to feel valued and respected. When one person consistently disrespects or takes advantage of the other, it is a sign that the relationship is unhealthy and needs help. If this sounds like your situation, reach out for help today.
If you are seeking support to create balance in your relationship, or have recently recognized that your relationship may be toxic and emotionally abusive… join us at Emerging Empowered Community. Or, reach out and book an introductory private session with me, one-to-one.
