Of course, you want the intimacy that is part of a loving relationship, especially the emotional intimacy of having that one special person who knows you better than almost everyone else. That’s natural.
You long for closeness and safety. But, you have a tumultuous relationship with your partner, a relentlessly difficult person, a Hijackal*.
You get something resembling a moment without fear or conflict, and you grab it. This is what you’ve wanted. So, to make the most of it, you share a secret, a fear, a desire, or a story that you want kept safe. You think–hope, more accurately–that that semblance of intimacy is real, that you just got closer.
You hope it happened, but, if you’re with a Hijackal, it didn’t. Moments after that supposedly intimate moment has faded, you realize that you are already feeling uncertain about what just took place. You wonder if believing intimacy was possible was foolish.
Then, your Hijackal makes a snide comment in front of your best friends, dropping his or her newly gained insider information. And, it’s delivered up with a smirk. That’s what Hijackals do! And, you shrivel. You hope the ground will swallow you up and comfort you in the pain of your betrayal.
Or, if your Hijackal doesn’t want to risk losing face in public, s/he waits until the next fight between you–usually started for the purpose by the Hijackal–and throws your vulnerabilities in your face. That “power over” move is always just waiting in the wings.
S/he uses your desire for intimacy to gather “intelligence” to hurl at you, to hurt you and show you who’s supposedly superior. It’s a pattern: Hijackals love to win, have to win. And, they will do their best to do so, even in the smallest ways throughout each day. You’ve noticed, right?
The intimacy you long for is forever beyond your grasp in relationship with a Hijackal. They can mimic empathy and intimacy. (Sad, but true, and you usually don’t notice until you’re committed to them, until they’ve “gotcha.”) You sooooo want to believe them. Don’t!
You want intimacy: that’s not just sex.
They pretend to care: a good strategy for getting what they want.
You share: they’re gathering fodder for controlling you.
You think you’ve connected: they want you to believe that.
They win: you hurt.
They win: you lose.
Ssssh! Don’t share secrets or vulnerabilities with a Hijackal. It gets you more of exactly what you don’t want.
P.S. There are Hijackals at work. It applies there, too.
*Hijackals are people who hijack relationships for their own purposes, while relentlessly scavenging them for power, status, and control.
Wonder if you’re with a Hijackal? Free ebook, How To Spot A Hijackal. Hijackals.com Need help to figure out what’s best to do to improve your relationship? Ask for a free half-hour consult with me. Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.