When you are in a relationship with a chronically difficult person, aka a Hijackal™, you have likely given up on expressing your boundaries. Unfortunately, that's the truth.
Over time, Hijackals both tear you down and wear you down. At the beginning, perhaps, you were more clear about what's OK with you and what's not. In the beginning, the Hijackal made you think s/he cared. It was not true, but you wanted it to be true.
If you're like most folks who have fallen prey to a Hijackal, you gave up wanting things your way because the fight was just not worth it.
Does this video sound like what happened to you? If so, it's time to be empowered, time for a positive change! (transcript below)
Hello, I’m Doctor Rhoberta Shaler, the Relationship Help Doctor, and today I wanted to ask you the question, “Do you have boundaries?” Now, you’ve probably heard about boundaries, and you know you should have some, but do you have some? And did you have some? Because sometimes when you’re with a Hijackal™ those boundaries that you did have got slowly eroded, and if you didn’t have strong boundaries, that was one of the reasons that you were so attractive to the Hijackal™ in your life.
Hijackals™ like to look for people who want to please them, people who are easy to manipulate. I know you don’t want to think about that, that you may have been easy to manipulate. Because when I say that, they know they are people who are nice, people who are considerate, people who are thoughtful, people who are interested in others. Those people are the ones that they look for because they think. “Ah, there’s somebody that I can get control over. They want to please me. They want to be nice. They’re willing to go the extra mile. They’ll make excuses for me. They’ll justify my behavior. They’ll rationalize what I do, and I will be able to quickly become my not-so-wonderful self and they may not notice or they may not complain.”
So, don’t beat yourself up if you’re with a Hijackal™. They saw you coming. They groomed you. They called you from the herd. They knew that you were a good, nice person, and I’ve used those phrases before but it is so true. If you’re a good, nice person who is interested in others, raised well often, or if you come from a home that nobody was really quite functional, that will leave you in a pattern of wanting to find somewhere to belong, wanting to have your person, wanting to have a relationship that you can count on and they look for that, too. So, boundaries become very, very important.
And a boundary is simply a line that you draw in the sand in ink that says, “Here’s what’s all right with me and here’s what’s not all right with me. And then, I want my partner to clearly know where that line is.”
Now, when you are with a Hijackal™, the entire modus operandi is to get that line to disappear. So, think about it for a minute. Have you found that that is true in your life? Have you found that already, as I just say these few words, you think, “Oh, I gave up. I quit trying to hold a boundary because it was always a fight. It was always a problem. What I wanted did not matter. What he or she wants always seems to matter more. And so, after a while, I just put down fighting. I did not feel it was worth it.” And after you’ve had children in your life, you don’t want them to witness the fighting, so you stop. And I don’t mean you don’t stop fighting, I mean you stop standing up for yourself.
So, I want to invite you to think about the relationship you have with a Hijackal™. Maybe it’s with your mom or your dad. Maybe you’re not even living in the same country as them anymore, but there is still that Hijackal™ influence that comes across because you’ve brought it with you from your childhood. And I know my mom was a Hijackal™ and I still have moments when I hear her voice: criticizing, complaining, putting me down. You know, in my worst moment, she creeps. You know, one of my worst moments is when I am peeling potatoes because she would always complain, “You’re taking off too much skin. It’s too much trouble to ask you to do anything. Why do I bother? You’re just such a mess in the kitchen.”
And, you know, on a bad day when I am feeling a little disempowered, I can hear that voice. Now, I don’t peel potatoes very often, so I supposed I do not hear it often. But, you know, maybe you have the influence of hearing your Hijackal™ parents’ voice, or maybe you have a Hijackal™ that you are living with.
If you had a Hijackal™ parent, it is probable that you have a Hijackal™ that you are living with, unless you’ve been very lucky or you’ve done your own work and find high jackals very transparent early on and you move away from them quickly. And I had my fair share of Hijackal™ relationships and yes, they’re terrible. Of course, I married a Hijackal™. I divorced a Hijackal™. I co-parented with a Hijackal™ and I attracted other Hijackals™ into my life. I came by this information that I share with you very honestly and very organically, believe me. I struggled, so I know what it means to have to teach yourself to clarify your boundaries, express your boundaries and then maintain those boundaries.
So, in another video, I’m going to tell you how to do that, but right now, I just want to plant that seed in you. Have you given up holding boundaries? Have you given up standing up for what you believe in? Have you given up standing up for yourself in your relationship with a Hijackal™? And if you have, then one of the things that is really important for you to look at is: “How do I clarify, express and maintain a boundary now?” Because you need that for yourself. You need to be assertive yourself. You need that to be an example for your children and if it doesn’t come from you, it’s not going to come from the Hijackal™. So, then it’s really worth it. It’s worth it to do it for yourself, and it’s worth it to do it for your children.
So, take a few moments and sit quietly, and ask yourself, “What boundaries do I have? What boundaries do I allow myself to have? What boundaries do I express to my partner? Any Hijackal™ in my life, or other people in general? And how comfortable am I with being assertive?
We are going to talk about all those things in other things in other videos. So, think about that now and you’ll be ready for the other videos. Watch for them, and if I can help, remember, you’re always welcome to have a one-time free, half-hour consultation. Just go to the website and exercise that right. Talk soon!