Have you started second-guessing yourself and questioning your sanity around your partner, parent or boss?
Do you have a totally version of what happened in any situation than s/he does?
You could be experiencing "gaslighting." That's when another person purposefully wants to be in control of your experience of a situation.
In fact, they want to tell you what your experience of reality should be.
Are you being gaslighted? Is it happening to you? Watch this video and find out.
Today I want to talk to you about how Hijackals engage in a really crafty and miserable practice which is called “gaslighting”, you may have heard about it.
Gas lighting is the thing that happens to you when you are with a Hijackal and you really begin to doubt yourself, you begin to question your sanity, second guess yourself. And if you are doing those things I would invite you to look at the possibility that you are being gaslighted on a regular basis.
Now, what is it? It's psychological manipulation. It’s when you think something happened and you think that you are right about something - and your Hijackal contradicts you and says you're imagining things.
For example: Maybe you made an agreement, you had a conversation with your partner and you both agreed to meet at a certain place at a certain time. Then, when the conversation happens because the meeting didn’t happen they tell you that well you are wrong, what were you thinking, you forget everything, you are really not trustworthy at all or reliable, there you go being like that again. And you start to say, wow! Am I really untrustworthy, am I really unreliable? I was absolutely sure that it happened.
But this psychological manipulation called "gaslighting" is to make you always be questioning yourself and your sanity. And it’s really a cruel thing to do but it’s one way that Hijackals manipulate and seduce you, and they exploit you and then you become used to it. It starts in a little tiny way and then slowly it builds. And you may remember from my other videos that I said that one of the hallmarks of the Hijackals is what I called incredulity. They do something and it’s so off the chart, so outrageous, so mind boggling that you just simply say "who does that? who says that? who would ever think to do that?"
Well, this is part of that incredulity, it’s a disbelief that this is happening and so you begin to second guess yourself and therefore the Hijackal gets control over you and now you begin to rely on the Hijackal to tell you how things are because you now have accepted that you are unreliable or that you are unthinking or that you can’t remember anything. It is a very very difficult thing and what it really comes down to is your Hijackal partner is attempting to define your reality for you.
Now, this may sound awful that you will allow someone to define your reality for you? And it is awful, it makes you feel absolutely horrible, it makes you feel like you can’t do anything rightly, takes all of the joy out of life, you feel like you did something terribly wrong and something is terribly wrong but you can’t quit.
The term gaslighting came from a movie from the 40s, called "Gaslight" (starring Ingrid Bergman) and that’s why we use that term. There is a whole book about this called “The gaslight effect” by Robin Stern .
After it's been happening long enough, we begin to defend our gaslighter, and say that we are stupid and we don't know what we're talking about... and eventually we stop having any kind of voice at all! We give over all our power to the Hijackal and lose ourselves in them as they define our reality.
The key to getting out of this is to not go into a depression about it, and even if you are in that depression about it now, giving it a name. Starting lift yourself out of that, that’s what’s important. It is so important you recognize it and begin to refuse to accept it, to begin to stand more upright and firm and assertive --and know that you did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say -- what actually happened and refuse to accept the fact that your reality is questioned and their reality so without question.
That’s the moment of breakthrough when you realize "no! sorry I'm sticking with my story , no that’s what I saw, no that’s what I agreed to, no that’s what we agreed to, no that’s what we decided to do" and stick with it. That will begin to shape dynamics so you become stronger. And remember, when you become stronger you will be more assertive and assertive means that you know that you deserve to take up space and draw breath. You are a 100% free to tell anybody what you think, what you feel, what you need, what you want as long as you don’t use the word "you" and talk about them .
Speak only about yourself, and I wrote extensively about that because I call that “The personal weather report” in my book “Kaizen for Couples”. This gas lighting business is something that is so subtle in the beginning and it just takes over you like a cloud and slowly it closes over you. I hope from this moment forward you will stand up and say ooh no! You are not going to do that!
...and start believing in yourself.