Have you started second-guessing yourself and questioning your sanity around your partner, parent or boss?
Do you have a totally version of what happened in any situation than s/he does?
You could be experiencing "gaslighting." That's when another person purposefully wants to be in control of your experience of a situation.
In fact, they want to tell you what your experience of reality should be.
Are you being gaslighted? Is it happening to you? Watch this video and find out.
Hello, I'm Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor, and today I want to talk to you about how Hijackals™ engage in a really crafty and miserable practice which is called “gaslighting”, you may have heard about it.
Gas lighting is the thing that happens to you when you always with a Hijackal™ and you really begin to doubt yourself, you begin to question your insanity, second guess yourself and if you are doing those things I would invite you to look at the possibility that you are being gaslighted on a regular basis.
Now, what is it? It's psychological manipulation. It’s when you think something happened and you think that you are right about something. Maybe you made an agreement, maybe you had a conversation with your partner and you both agreed to meet at a certain place at a certain time and then when the conversation happens because the meeting didn’t happen they tell you that well you are wrong, what were you thinking, you forget everything, you are really not trustworthy at all or reliable, there you go being like that again. And you start to say, wow! Am I really untrustworthy, am I really unreliable I was absolutely sure that it happened.
But this psychological manipulation called "gaslighting" is to make you always be questioning yourself and your sanity. And it’s really a cruel thing to do but it’s one way that Hijackals™ manipulate you, and they seduce you and they exploit you and then you become used to it. It starts in a little tiny way and then slowly it builds. And you remember from other videos that I said that one of the hallmarks of the Hijackals™ is what I called incredulity. They do something and it’s so off the chart, so outrageous, so mind boggling that you just simply say who does that, who says that, who would ever think to do that.
Well, this is part of that incredulity, it’s a disbelief that this is happening and so you begin to second guess yourself and therefore the Hijackal™ gets control over you and now you begin to rely on the Hijackal™ to tell you how things are because you now have accepted that you are unreliable or that you are unthinking or that you can’t remember anything. It is a very very difficult thing and what it really comes down to is your Hijackal™ partner is attempting to define your reality for you.
Now, this may sound awful that you will allow someone to define your reality for you? And it is awful, it makes you feel absolutely horrible, it makes you feel like you can’t do anything rightly, takes all of the joy out of life, you feel like you did something terribly wrong and something is terribly wrong but you can’t quit but you think you are on it.
And the term gaslighting came from a movie from the forty’s’ it’s a psychological kind of quarter film you can look that up, but it was called gaslight and that’s why we use that term. But first of all we have a disbelief and there is a whole book about this if you would like to read it called “The gaslight effect” and it is by Robins Stern so you can look at that.
But first of all, we have this disbelief like, really is that going on? Or really, am I that stupid? Or was I under stress or do I really need guidance and then the next thing we have is if you want to fail yourself so you want to say no! no! for what didn’t happen. No! that can’t be and then slowly we begin to defend the other person for doing it, we slowly move over to the other side where we are saying oh yea, do you know you are always telling me am stupid and we begin to believe that or at least behave from that if we don’t want to believe it. We begin to feel like we need that Hijackal in order to define our reality and when we put in those words it's really unpleasant, isn’t it? So, I hope you remember that.
And the key to getting out of this is to not go into a depression about it, even if you are in that depression about it now, giving it a name, beginning to lift yourself out of that, that’s what’s important. It is so important you recognize it and begin to refuse to accept it, to begin to stand more upright and firm and assertive and know that you did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say what actually happened and refuse to accept the fact that your reality is questioned and their reality so without question.
That’s the moment of breakthrough when you realize "no! sorry I'm sticking with my story , no that’s what I saw, no that’s what I agreed to, no that’s what we agreed to, no that’s what we decided to do" and stick with it and that will begin to shape such dynamics so you become stronger and remember when you become stronger you will be more assertive and assertive means that you know that you deserve to take up space and draw breath and that at any time you are a 100% free to tell anybody what you think, what you feel, what you need, what you want as long as you don’t use the word you and talk about them .
Speak only about yourself, and I wrote extensively about that because I call that “The personal weather report” in my book “Kaizen for Couples” and you can certainly go and find that. And this gas lighting business is something that is so subtle in the beginning and it just takes over you like a cloud and slowly it closes over you. So I hope that I have put a little sunshine rays through that cloud today and there you go wow! This is the way am being manipulated far too frequently by the Hijackal™ in my life whether that’s your partner or parent or boss. They are asking you to allow them to define your reality and I hope from this moment forward you will stand up and say ooh no! You are not going to do that and start believing in yourself.