If you’re always looking for someone to blame or blaming someone else for where you find yourself in life, you will never have close or satisfying relationships. It’s that simple! In your love relationship, you may stay together but you won’t be emotionally intimate. You’ll both be settling for far less than you could have if you got a little relationship help at this point. Don’t wait!
“One can spend a lifetime asssigning blame, find the cause ‘out there’ for all the troubles that exist. Contrast this with the ‘responsible attitude’ of confronting the situation, bad or good, and instead of asking, ‘What caused the trouble? Who was to blame?‘ asking ‘How can I handle this present situation to make the most of it? What can I salvage here?”
So said Abraham Maslow, creator of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs which really applies here. The basic need of love and belonging he talks about is key to having a successful, healthy and mutually beneficial relationship. When you push people away, you are working against your own most important needs! Yet, Blamers abound!
And, then there is the other side that the Blamer requires: the Target of Blame. In most cases, almost anyone or anything will do, however, some save their special blaming behavior for those folks with whom they think they are safest: the ones they believe they love and who love them. A pattern ensues: the Blamer and the Target of Blame get into a dance that can best be stopped by the Target of Blame stepping off the dance floor. That often takes real courage! Note, now, that I’m saying that it is important to step off the dance floor. I’m not saying that you leave the building entirely! You might end up doing that, but it’s not the first step.
Blaming is a habit or a pattern. It is a learned behavior that we pick up when we are very young from being blamed, being suspected, and being afraid of being wrong or punished. It is often an attempt at deflecting possible negative consequences. Many people understand the mentality–and supposed causality–of:
“He hit me back first!”
That has to be the clearest indicator of identifying a Target of Blame we can find. Unless we become conscious of this pattern within ourselves, we will not stop. Once conscious, we are then at choice. If we continue to blame everyone for our mistakes, our misunderstandings and, even, our place and condition in life, we can expect that others will walk away. Who wants to be a Target of Blame on a regular basis?? But, if you get the relationship help you need–and maybe a little individual help, too–you can change the blaming pattern to one that is much more mature, accountable, responsible and loving. In fact, you can, with persistence, become downright collaborative! (That’s where I work to take my clients.)
So, if you are a Blamer, accept responsibility for your behavior from this second forward. Get help to uncover the path to a healthier way of interacting. If you are a Target of Blame, accept responsibility for not yet getting up on your back legs and saying “No more!” Then, get some relationship help to learn to establish, communicate and maintain clearer, healthier boundaries. You’ll be glad you did.
If you want my help, you can have it. Whether we talk in person in my office or through Skype, you can book an appointment right online after creating a login HERE.
Want a little more help with the blaming issues? You’ll find it in our book, Soul Solitude: Taking Time for Our Souls to Catch Up, available online HERE.