Walking Alone Together? Answer these questions.

Feel alone in your relationship? Dr. Rhoberta Shaler helps couples in resolving relationship problems. Call her at the Optimize Center, 760.593.4604. Really, I don’t think there are many lonelier places on earth to be than in a marriage…where people are walking alone together.

Do you know what I mean?  If you have ever experienced it, you will know instantly. I’ve been there and I know. And, I’ve seen it so often when I talk with couples.

If you just had an AHA! moment, recognizing that that is how you feel right now, that is a good realization, something important to acknowledge.

There are things you can  do about this! 

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

  • Am I contributing to the problem or the solution by what I say and do?
  • Many times, when we’re lonely, we don’t reach out to our partners. We stay closed and hurting.  Then, we blame the other person. That’s why it’s important to examine yourself first.
  • Have I actually already given up on the relationship? 
  • If so, you have to decide if you want the relationship to improve or end. It’s that simple…and, that’s going to take a lot of talking with yourself, then with your partner. Don’t wonder what your partner wants until you know what you want.
  • Am I living from my values?
  • Many people blame others for their misery while they themselves are not living from what they say is important to them. If I had a dollar for everyone who says that “love” is one of their values but it is impossible to see it in action in their life, I’d be rich. Most are waiting for their partners to love them, rather than living the loving they say is a high priority to them, for showing who they are!
  • Am I reacting or responding to my partner, rather than being who I am and demonstrating that by how I behave?
  • It’s so easy to blame your partner for pushing your buttons, or ignoring you, or anything else you don’t like. Then, you think you are justified in your actions and thoughts about the relationship. NO! You are the author of your life and you decide how you think and act. Don’t be just responding, be a leader in your own life.
  • Are you willing to go first and move towards your partner, or are you waiting for him/her to make a move?
  • You need to be pro-active. This is your life. Get the rhino in the room –you know, that you’ve both been walking around pretending you don’t see–out in the open. Give it a name! Simply ask your partner, “Are you as lonely as I am?”  That can get a conversation started that needs to be engaged in.
  • Are you attached to the problem, or to complaining about the relationship?
  • You might be in love with your story of  “S/he is doing me wrong!” or “You won’t believe what s/he did this time!” That’s not going to help you get less lonely. It might gather your friends up on your side of the fence, but it won’t help the relationship any. If you want your relationship to improve, or you know you need to end it, give up the story and take action. (If you’re not sure which way to go, call me and I’ll help you figure it out.)

If you are walking alone together in your relationship, take stock of what you want, where you are and where you want to be.

Answer the questions above very honestly. Then, get some help if you need it to clarify your thoughts and feelings.

(Call me. I can help.) And, then take steps to work with your partner. No matter which direction your relationship eventually goes–and most relationships can be greatly improved, you’ll feel so much better than you do right now.

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