How Having a Hijackal Parent Can Mess With Your Life & Relationships

When you have a #Hijackal® parent, you tend to either model their traits, or be set up to be the unwitting “prey” for other predators like them.

Having a narcissistic parent can turn you into “Hijackal Bait.” Hijackals are attracted to you, and you are attracted to them.

Why? Because they seem so familiar. You feel somehow comfortably uncomfortable with them…at least for the first while.


  • Insights into motives of the narcissistic parent
  • What you may not realize about your upbringing
  • Why #Hijackals must make you wrong
  • Why you might take on too much blame in life
  • The impact that a narcissistic parent has on your future relationships

Having a Hijackal parent often means that you become the Golden Child in the family, the one who can do no wrong. Or, the Scapegoat, the one who can do nothing right.

It’s important to realize the potential pitfalls for life and relationship that having a Hijackal parent set you up to take. It certainly wasn’t your fault, and you did not create it. It’s important, though, to recognize what actually happened to you.

This episode gives you some insights into this.


Machine Transcript

Today I want to talk to you about having a hijackal parent. If you had a hijackal, narcissistic parent, you are looking at a longing for something that they are never going to give you. And that’s love. Just because you breathe, just because you take up space, just because they gave you birth or brought them in, brought you into their family. They are not capable of giving you the love You’re longing for and looking for. And it’s not your fault. You are not alone. to blame. It is not a deficit on your part. It’s a deficit on theirs. They do not have it to give. High jackals don’t have parents have children for the same reasons that others do. Because they want to nurture and care for and raise up children who are wise and and loving and a marvelous no hi jackals have have children so that they have someone to have power over. They have someone who will love them no matter what. That’s what they’re hoping anyway. And they have someone to blame, who won’t talk back. And they’re always absolutely devastated when at two or three years old, their child begins to talk back and that just really makes them angry and it blows up into a more fully expanded relationship that is dysfunctional between a hijacker parent and their child or children. They see kids as a burden. I Instead of being excited about the developing life and the nurturing all the abilities and bringing out the best and having the child have self esteem, now they’re not doing that they did, they got into this parent business so that they would get something that they wanted or needed, or felt was definitely lacking. So by bringing a child into the world, they made a big sacrifice because they wanted that so badly, but they didn’t want all the other stuff that they thought they’d get the good stuff, and then they don’t or maybe they do… and it’s a horrible situation for everyone.

So that they thought that they would get something from the child forever affirmation validation, someone to push around someone to tell them that they’re always right. Then when they don’t get that they get even more angry, and they take it out on those very children. Now remember, a narcissistic parent can’t be wrong, can’t be blamed and can’t be mistaken. You’ve probably listened to many of the videos that I have. So you know, you This there is no point confronting directly a hijacker. They cannot be wrong, they cannot be blamed, and they cannot be mistaken. So hi jackal moms, they raise you on a script of what’s wrong with you. You’re oversensitive. You’re overreacting. It must be your fault that things are not going well for you. And they instill it that there’s something wrong with you. This is sounding familiar. I know I had a high jackal mom. It’s all familiar to me. And I was an only child. So I was the only target of blame that she had. I was the only supply she had for affirming her. And I was a bit caught as only children can be because no one else was experiencing it.

And as I’ve said before in other videos, hi, jackals are very careful. They usually keep all of this nastiness at home. And so out in the woods They look like sweetness and light and unicorns, and the salt of the earth the pillar of the community. And if a child goes outside the home and says, you know, my mother’s a high jackal, the community will say, oh, we’re gonna nasty child. How could you ever say that? Look at all your mother denser all your father’s given. And there you are doubly caught again, because no one believes you. So, when we have hijacker parents, we’ve got these parents that are resentful. They don’t like the work it takes to interact with us to take us where we need to go to do things that we’d like to do rather than have it be all about them. They resent that their money goes to looking after us, when that’s not what they want at all. They want it all for themselves. So they become resentful and the children become a nuisance. And children soon begin to pick up on that. Whoa, I better be careful here. I better tread very lightly because you know, I don’t want to be swept to the side I don’t want to be wrong. And it’s very hard to avoid being wrong if you have a hijacker parent. So one of the other things they do in the average control you because high jackals remember are relentlessly scavenging the relationship for power status and control. So in order to control you, they can be very smothering and overprotective, and they won’t let you out of their sight. I remember I could not learn to swim because I might hurt myself. I couldn’t play sports because I might damage myself. And because I was a musician. I couldn’t possibly take the risk of having anything to happen to my hands so that I couldn’t play the piano so that my mother couldn’t get the reflected glory of my doing it well and winning things. So she had that overprotective piece. Some high jackal mothers go and fathers go in the other direction. They’re neglectful. They’re mean they’re dismissive, and they have constantly Of course, still making you wrong. So there you are. Probably stuck in your house, unable to do anything and get any help for yourself. So they believe that kids should be seen and not heard. That’s kind of a hijacker thing that they pick up from parenting, and that they think they’ve raised these little workers to do everything for them. They will make you do all kinds of housework and do all kinds of chores and go out in and make the family look good and do way more things than they’re willing to do. So that you can give them reflected glory. And you know, if you were raised by a hijacker parent, that you will never be good enough and you will never do well enough and you will not do things well enough. Even if you’re at the top of your game, they will start to complain about something else. Remember, as an adult, I really got to see this clearly with my mother because I was doing quite well in life and my mother would say to her friends, you know, oh, my daughter shops in that store and she she spent This much money on a blouse. I heard her say that one day and within two hours I was at home with her. And she was saying, You are just so wasteful you have children imagine spending money on yourself. So here she is using me as a vehicle to say look at my daughter, she’s she’s being successful, but at home still when I was 40 years old, she’s telling me that what a terrible mother I was because I bought this particular blouse so our hijacker parents want our adoration and they deny all wrongdoing. There’s never anything wrong with them. Did you notice that? They always have an excuse or justification or rationalization for everything that they do.

And mysteriously, it all comes back to being your fault, right? You’ve seen that.

And if you have brothers and sisters, and in my practice with people all over the world, I’ve certainly seen this although I didn’t experience it myself. They will play you off against one another in order to set up dynamics between the siblings so that you’ll be arguing with each other and you’ll have to come to the parent. Now, because I was an only child, they did that a different way. They would set me up in situations with my friend’s parents. But they’re, they’re jealous. They’re jealous of you. They’re jealous if your relationship they’re jealous of your accomplishments, at the same time, wanting to say, Oh, well look what I did, I created this person who could have these relationships or has these talents or skills. And so it’s really kind of a horrible, macabre delight. When you fail at something. And therefore you you learn quickly not to try things in case you fail, because then they’re gonna jump all over you like some kind of vultures on on a carcass, you know? Oh, she failed. Look, she failed again. And it’s a very difficult situation.

So they’re somehow delighted when you Fail.

And the other thing is that everything comes with strings. You know, I remember one year I was quite young, and maybe 14 or something and my mother gave me a watch for Christmas. And he might relate to this story because every day Where’s your watch? Why isn’t on your wrist? Where did you leave it? Don’t you appreciate it?

Excuse me constantly, constantly. Everything came with strings on it. And as I got older, the strings turned into ropes, you know, and I had to cut them and you might have had to do that too.

So they like it when you’re beholden to them. They like it when they can give you something particularly if you’re stuck and they bail you out. You will never live that down. Have you noticed that? That’s one of the hallmarks of a hijacker parent. That you just cannot live it down. You cannot do well enough. You cannot be good enough and you can never pay back enough because They want the image they want the recognition and they want you to be beholden to them. Now another big and sad part of having a hijacker parent is you really lose your childhood You are so busy catering to the needs of the hijacker parent that you don’t have the opportunity to just be a child. And as that progresses what you become to the hijacker parent is a messenger upon a confidant, their cheerleader, or if they happen to be at each other’s throats with they often are or even divorced, then you become a weapon of war. And they work to create some alienation in you at the other parent, and you feel like that con once again. So all of this may become familiar to you and if it does, and it may be it’s the first or second time you thought about this. It’s really well worth working with someone like me who’s been through this, whose profession is this an experience and expertise can help you because you don’t want this to be limiting your life. You don’t want this to be something that you didn’t take care of and it’s affecting your life, the life of your children is being perpetuated. It may be intruding upon the love that you could be having in your relationship. So if all this sounds familiar, get some help. Because a hijacker can’t really love you. They don’t have the capacity to love you. They do however, have the capacity to use you. So no matter how well you do in life, you will be useful to them because they can brag about you. And they can also defer any negative emotions they have by saying they’re yours. So the words you longed to hear from a hijacker parent, I love you. I love you unconditionally. I’m so proud of you. You will sell them here those long for words.

It’s because you had a hijackal parent.

So I invite you to think about these things. And if they’re ringing true for you come to my website at


What folks have said…
I stumbled (by no accident) across your podcasts 2 years ago after my X had raged and then was giving me the usual silent treatment. I credit all your sound advice for my finally understanding and getting out of the most abusive relationship I’d been in. I’ve only been with Hijackals. I’m blown away how much more discerning I am of future Hijackals. I spot them immediately and don’t have the urge to help them. Your work has transformed my life. I’ll keep reading/listening and learning.… Read more
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