Ever wonder why you want to run after love, even when abuse is present? Here’s the answer. Knowing this can help you take charge and keep yourself safe.
Hooked on the rush of falling in love?
Hooked on the feeling of not being able to get enough of another human?
Wonder why you want to go running back to the nasty human you knew to leave?
It’s all about hormones at the most basic level. Your body has its own agenda. It wants you to not think too much so you’ll have babies. Yes, I know that sounds a bit simplistic, but it’s true. Your hormones go into overdrive. Your hormones override your recognition of danger–emotional danger, physical danger, sexual danger.
#Cortisol, #dopamine, #serotonin, and #oxytocin all play a significant part in how you get hooked on #Hijackals! Once you recognize this, and really think about it, you can begin to override your body’s urges, and overrule the hormone’s effects with logical thinking.
HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:
- How hormones reduce your ability to think clearly
- Hormones make risk-taking more attractive and acceptable
- What hormones do to your ability to make decisions
- Why you get hooked on #Hijackals
- Why you get hooked on hope that #Hijackals will change
- Why you want to go back to an abusive relationship
- Why you must take charge and understand your body to keep yourself safe in all ways
You may feel like you have absolutely no choice when it comes to life with a Hijackal (my trademarked term for a relentlessly difficult, toxic person) because you just feel that internal pull.
It’s like you go somewhat brain dead and you can’t figure things out. Things get all fuzzy. What’s happening? It’s the “Hijackal Haze!”
There’s hope there is a way to stop being controlled by another human being… a hijackal…and even if you don’t feel you are being controlled, maybe your feelings are being controlled or your thoughts about yourself are being controlled.
So today I’m going to talk about how hormones keep you hooked on high jackals and hope.
You know love is great. There is no question that is great. It’s an upper, it says feel good. Your step is lighter, Your smile is wider. Your cares are diminished. And your judgment is off by 10 miles, right? You’re hooked.
You know, you’ve got those rose colored glasses on and they obliterate the red flags that are flying everywhere.
So what keeps those rose colored glasses cemented on your face? Hormones. Those hormones help you respond to primal things and reduce your ability to think. You feel more than you think. Hormones make risk-taking more acceptable and attractive, especially for men. And hormones make decision-making calamity in both men and women.
You know, there’s that old song from the 70s by Trooper and they say “We’re here for a good time, not a long time.” Well, that’s what hormones are having you think… that it’s fine in the moment …you don’t think about the long term effects.
Studies show that females showed faster response times for high-risk options when their progesterone levels were higher, but they chose low risk more often when estrogen was in balance. So progesterone isn’t associated with falling in love. But cortisol is significantly higher when we’re falling in love. And it’s kind of suggested stress and arousing conditions are associated with that initial social contact.
And the study concluded that falling in love, provoked transient, hormonal changes. So, okay, let’s get to the gritty nitty gritty:
You meet a new person. Chemistry is in the air. What’s happening? Neuro chemistry.
Falling in love lifts your spirits, gives you more energy. You don’t even seem to get sleep deprived. You’re more optimistic, often too optimistic. And that clouds your judgment. You may think you found your soul mate. Oh, and every hijackal in the world wants you to think that, you know, so here comes the hormone haze.
First the dopamine. loves newness and novelty and it’s oh so exciting. And dopamine? Yep, it makes you dopey because you’re flooded with euphoria. You feel floaty, your feet are off the ground. Ah, love.
You know, I made some videos (on my YouTube channel) with Dr. Helen Fisher, who did the research behind match.com and other places. She discovered that the brains of people in love, have similarities — ready for this— similarities to the brains of cocaine addict. That, too, is why new love creates a withdrawal effect. You super miss them and want them when they’re not around. Right?
Huh? Is that how you get stimulated by the craziness of hijackals? They give you increased affection when they want you and they want something. And then they reject you and refuse to engage when they say you displease them. Ooohh .. chemicals heightened, and then withdrawn. Fun times.
The only solution, just like other drugs, is to quit.
So let’s learn a little more about the hormone, serotonin. It regulates your mood, and it falls when you fall in love. Problem with serotonin is linked to obsessiveness. You can’t stop thinking about the new love. Who cares about eating or sleeping? You’re hooked on hormones. In fact, there’s a reason we say people are crazy in love. The hormone evidence shows that when falling in love, the same parts of the brain light up on an MRI as when you’re acutely mentally ill. Are you beginning to see a pattern here?
That’s important because it’s a chemical soup when you’re falling in love. And yes, it’s lovely. There’s no taking away from that wonderful feeling. But, you know, I want you to be able to prevent yourself from falling for a hijackal a relentlessly difficult toxic person, a narcissistic or sociopathic person. I really want that.
You have to see the chemical soup here. When you’re not in love, or when you’re not feeling very loving, this is a good time for you to learn these things. So I hope that’s today.
So, this chemical soup is nature’s way, I think, of a messing with your judgments so that you’ll populate the world. If you could just get thought out of the way, and go with bodies, you know, there’ll be more babies. (chuckle) Is your heart racing? Have you got sweaty palms? That’s likely adrenaline. It’s increasing your levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. So you’re excited. Oh, it’s just thrilling. Really what you’re in is fight, flight freeze or faint, just as you would be in any stress situation, but we interrupt it and we interpret it as excitement on the dating front.
Now that’s scary, because toxic people, those charming, focused, exciting hijackals – are out to ensnare you as quickly as possible. They need you to be thinking cloudy ways, and you need to be thinking clearly. And they need you to not be noticing the red flags. And you need to be clearly seeing the red flags.
So, unfortunately, with heightened awareness in the body, like falling in love, an important part of your brain shuts down–your prefrontal cortex. What do you suppose its function is? Well, here you go: Critical thinking, decision making, planning. And here’s the biggie, judgment. Whoops. Again, your body wants to shut down critical thinking in favor of biology and baby making. So, even though hijackals are totally unaware of all this research and what’s really going on in bodies biochemically, they have an innate ability to play on this.
Now, they don’t know this operating system and they don’t know what’s really going on, but they benefit from it. And here’s how: they charm you, chemicals are released, you fall for them even when you sense danger, but there’s something kind of intriguing about that too, right? And your brain-body connection betrays your long term well being. So you make some shady decisions, but they seem like a good idea in the moment while your hormones are activated.
This can lead you to getting caught in a hijackal relationship that you simultaneously hate and are excited and intrigued by. That’s a big hormone hit. Now, the biggie, you’ve probably heard of this if you’ve ever had a baby, we talked about oxytocin.
But oxytocin is the big reason for all this mayhem. It’s called the love hormone, the bonding hormone, the attachment hormone and what activates it? Intimacy. And when we’re in lust, we think it’s intimacy. So just think of the thrill when a new lover, or an old one barely caresses your face in a tender moment. Oh, an oxytocin rush. That that’s what happens with skin to skin contact and enhances oxytocin.
Research from 2013 shed light on a big issue though, about this oxytocin thing. It showed us that oxytocin is two faced, it makes us love. It makes us want to bond and cuddle and leap into bed …and it can cause emotional pain. Now this study from North Western University shows a link between the stimulation of oxytocin in stressful social situations like being bullied at school, having a hijackal parent, and how you feel in the long term and how you get hooked on the hormones? Because it seems oxytocin is the reason why these stressful situations reverberate long after the event. And they can trigger fear and anxiety in the future.
So that’s why when people ask me always say yes come and work with me because you have these things in your past that are resonating and making you attracted to and attractive to high jackals. This oxytocin from all stressful situations, creates a familiarity and it sets things up in your body. And isn’t that exactly what happens with hijackals? They trigger the love hormone and then they reject you. And then they pull you close when they want something only to reject you again.
It’s this constant triggering of closeness, then rejection, that builds fear and anxiety. You know that’s true. If you have a toxic parent, if you have a toxic partner, a toxic ex, a toxic sibling, the same things are true. You didn’t fall in love with them. But the same things go on. This constant triggering of closeness, then rejection sets up a chronic fear and anxiety. Do you recognize that in yourself? Now you know the reason? And it’s why you long for them after you’ve been discarded, or after you wisely walked away. You sitting thinking, oh, maybe it was me. Maybe I can get them back. Oh, it was so wonderful. It wasn’t. But you have this oxytocin thing.
So these are the hormone horrors, and I’m going to talk about this and hijackals and how they’re stimulated in those very relationships in another episode. Hormones keep you hooked on hijackals, and hooked on hope. And there’s excitement in them loving you. And there’s fear and anxiety in them rejecting you, and there’s suspension of good judgment in the love bombing process. And there’s obsessiveness of the suspension of serotonin.
So no, don’t use your hormones as an excuse. No, no, no, no, you must not succumb. Now you know why? You don’t want your hormones running your life. So it’s time to wake up and smell the herbal tea. Recognize that high jackals keep you swimming in hormone soup. And you’ve got to get out. That’s why I say often say and people think, you know, okay, she always says that you need to do your work, you need to get some help. Yeah, when you’re drowning in hormone soup, you can’t think straight. And if you’ve been drowning in it for a while you’re exhausted. So I’m here to help you get out of the soup. And understand how to never get into it again, except in positive, wonderful ways with positive, wonderful people.
I hope that this really is something that stimulates your thinking and not your hormones. Think about this. You don’t want to be ruled by things that are going on in your body and when you use this education I’ve given you today, you’ll understand why and what’s being triggered. And you can say no to it. You can put yourself in better situations. And I hope you will you know why? Because you’re precious and you matter. And I hope you treat yourself that way. And you don’t stay hooked on hormones or high jackals talk soon.