You, or someone in your life, strives to control everyone and everything. That is a direct path to loneliness: exactly what you don’t want.
Being controlling, you long for love and understanding, while you’re pushing people away with both hands and feet.
You want relief from the tension, fear, and pain you feel, yet you continue to create it with your need for control. (Scroll down for a quick tip video from The Relationship Help Doctor YouTube channel.)
Quite the contradiction! The more you try to control people, or they try to control you, the fewer loving interactions you will have.
And, I know that it is fear that is driving you. You may be terrified that, if you don’t control everything, your world will collapse. You’ve learned this well in your young life when you had no choice about what to take in. You needed to keep the Giants–aka The Parents–happy in order to survive. They had the control. So, you twisted yourself into whatever shape was required to get what you needed. It was–and, maybe still is–a struggle of futility. Some parents are twisted. (And, no, that is not my psychological assessment…lol.)
That’s a shame. It’s a hard way to live. And, it doesn’t serve you at all well once you’ve grown up. Your need to control pushes away the possibility of love.
What you want is the opposite of what you get, yet you need the control in order to feel you can go on. It’s a never-ending cycle. That is, until you see it, know you want off the wheel, and get some help to make it different.
The good news: if you are being controlling, or being controlled, you can change.
The first step is realizing it’s so. The next is allowing yourself to feel the longing for the love you were–and are–missing.
If you are the controller, it is exhausting. Being hyper-vigilant for possible chinks in the armor, and never allowing yourself to feel loved, keeps you on edge while it wears you out. You deserve so much more. Fortunately, you can use this realization to get in touch with what you are longing for. That’s scary, I know, but so important!
If you are in a relationship where someone–partner, parent, or boss–is dancing on your last nerve with his or her need for control of all things at all times, you need to change, too. Somewhere in your life, you have accepted this as OK or even normal. You overlook it when it starts because you’re used to it elsewhere in your life.
At first, you take the blame and second-guess yourself. Slowly, it starts to irk you. The resentment grows, and the steam builds. Explosions happen–internal or external. The plot thickens, and the two of you are enmeshed. Not healthy!
Now is the time to see the patterns of being controlling or controlled, and break them. No need to run from the relationship screaming and blaming. Start by seeing the patterns. See how the behaviors are not getting you what you want for yourself or the relationship.
Watch the video . Get clear on what is OK with you and what is not. Express that. Get some relationship help, too. Being controlling, or controlled are very difficult patterns to break without it. In fact, it may be impossible.
If any of this seems familiar and you’re ready to have it be different, I’d like to help you. If you have a #Hijackal in your life, or think you might have, get my free ebook, How To Spot A Hijackal, at Hijackals.com Need help to know your next best steps? If you would like more help, subscribe to my Tips for Relationships, and listen to my Podcasts. Start with an introductory session. Talk soon!
© Rhoberta Shaler, PhD –
The Relationship Help Doctor
Disclaimer: All advice, insights and suggestions made here are not to be construed as psychological or legal advice. Any actions you undertake as a result of reading any article, book, video, ebook or blog post from Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, are entirely your own. Having worked with individuals and couples for more than twenty-five years, she offers her insights and opinions for your consideration only.