“Too much drama in my relationship?” Is that what you say?
Constant drama can wear you out and wear you down. You feel that right down to your exhausted toes!
“Again, really? You’re going to bring that up again?”
“It’s all your fault. I don’t even know why I stay with you.”
The other big drain that drags you down is the constant hope that things will magically change. You keep investing in the idea of change, but you don’t initiate the change. “Too much drama in my relationship” means that, at some level, you’re putting up with it.
Does that sound familiar? If so, know that nothing will change until you change! Sorry, but, it’s true.
When drama is present, predictability is not. When drama is present, you cannot even think straight. You are caught off-guard. You react, rather than respond. It becomes a pattern and you’ve become a part of it. The issue is: Can you see it?
(I created this video below to give you a few ideas to think about. Do they ring true for your relationship? Watch it and see.)
The one big thing you have to do to stop the drama is to know yourself well enough to set, express, and maintain strong boundaries. Easily said. How do you do it?
A boundary is the line between what is all right with you and what is not. Let’s use the example of name-calling. You don’t like it when your partner calls you a slob, a nag, a loser, a failure, right? Who does? Yet, some people put up with it. A boundary expressed would sound like this:
“Name-calling doesn’t work for me. I get angry and stressed when it happens. I am triggered and angry because I feel diminished by a label. I’m happy to talk about difficult things with you, however, when name-calling starts, I am going to leave the conversation because it is going nowhere good.”
The most important thing when expressing a boundary? Make it stick. After saying that, the next time your partner calls you a bitch or a deadbeat, you say:
“I said I would leave a conversation when name-calling starts. I’m doing that now. If you want to talk about this further, we can do it at a later time.”
Too many people make empty threats without every setting boundaries. They get frustrated, angry, stressed, or depressed and go into shutdown. They threaten to leave in a half-hearted attempt to change the conversation. But, they stay. The boundary is never expressed. The resentment builds. Trouble boils.
You have every right to express your boundaries. You must make them stick, however. Otherwise, your partner will just laugh and trample over you further. More drama!
“Too much drama in my relationship!” If that’s what you’re saying, what are you putting up with in the drama department? What drama are you causing or perpetuating because of fear of setting boundaries?
You deserve to take up space and draw breath. Therefore, you deserve to speak up for what you need and want. Take these actions and see how you can improve your relationship…particularly, improve how you feel about your part in the conversation.
If you need help to figure out what’s hurting you the most and how to express your boundaries, let’s talk soon. Why suffer any longer?
Think your partner might be creating drama in passive-aggressive ways? Take my free online Passive-Aggressive Checklist.
Ready to actually talk through what you can do to change your relationship equation? Take advantage of my free one-time half-hour Relationship Relief consultation by Skype.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
The Relationship Help Doctor
Disclaimer: All advice, insights and suggestions made here are not to be construed as psychological or legal advice. Any actions you undertake as a result of reading any article, book, video, ebook or blog post from Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, are entirely your own. Having worked with individuals and couples for more than twenty-five years, she offers her insights and opinions for your consideration only.