Listener Question: “Shall I stop reacting to him, as my therapist said, or create stronger boundaries”
Is conflict something to be avoided?
Are you uncomfortable around conflict?
How do you know when to confront?
Will you confront a difficulty head-on?
What about when someone’s behavior is crazy-making, or someone’s behavior is confusing?
What about when you’re with a toxic person, when you’re with a #Hijackal?
Today’s answer is to a question about setting boundaries with a person who is always blaming?
#Hijackals make everything your fault.
#Hijackals see you as prey. You’re not.
Good tips for knowing what to do and how to respond.
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EIGHT WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU SHOULD STAY TOGETHER
If these eight things are happening in your relationship on a regular basis, you’ve got a good thing going on:
- You are honest with each other, without a need to conceal your thoughts, feelings, needs, or wants.
If you cannot be honest with your partner, it is a big red flag that there is much more that is negative going on, as well. If you’re afraid to be honest, you need to do your own work, as well as you and your partner need to do some work together. Honesty is absolutely basic to a good relationship.
- You are safe with each other: you can be vulnerable and know that your partner will not turn your fears into weapons for future use.
Many people–particularly people with Hijackal® partners, exes, or parents–learned the hard way that, when they felt most safe and shared their inmost concerns, they were soon hit over the head with them. Those fears, concerns, or little foibles did not draw you closer because the other person turned them into a weapon to win with later. There’s no safety in that.
- You trust each other. You don’t behave–or have to behave–like a parent to your partner.
Trust is HUGE. If your partner is late for something, do you trust that s/he must have had a good reason. Or, do you have to know what happened, why, what s/he could have done to prevent, how disappointed you are, and why you’re angry? All those things mean that you’ve decided–or learned–that trust is not present. You’re on shaky ground.
- You respect yourself in the relationship. You and your partner speak to and think about each other in respectful ways.
Respect is something that starts with you. Do you respect yourself? Do you have, express, and maintain your boundaries? That demonstrates that you know yourself and you care about yourself.
Then, do you and your partner respect each other by honoring boundaries, and having great learning conversations to deepen your understanding of each other? If you don’t, you either don’t like each other, don’t know how to communicate well, or, actually don’t like each other much. Not good!
- You and your partner are reliable: you do what you say you’ll do, when you say you’ll do it. You can count on your partner to keep his/her word.
Reliability is different from trust. A person does what they say they’ll do? They are reliable. It’s the difference between knowing your housekeeper will always show up on time–reliable–and, giving her the keys to your house. That’s trust. Being reliable removes stress from your relationship, and increases partnership. It’s a good thing!
- You treat each other as equals: equals in all things.
You may rely on one another for different things: you’re better at planning, and your partner is better at executing. Great! You respect that skills, talents, and abilities of your partner and you work well as a team. You are equals. No parent/child type interactions. You speak well together and resolve problems. You respect and trust each other which are all part of equality.
- You receive, and can expect, reciprocity from your partner.
You give and receive kindness, interest, attention, understanding, compassion, appreciation, acknowledgement, and acceptance. You feel loved, and loving. There is no scoreboard, or tit-for-tat record keeping. You simply give to each other, lovingly, willingly, and daily.
- You both experience mutuality in your relationship.
Mutuality means I know what you want for yourself and I do my best to support you to find and create it. You do the same for me. You give to each other. You keep each other’s dreams in mind. You are a true team, both of you supportive, present, and awake.
If these eight things are going well for you in your relationship, you’re in a good relationship with lots of potential for long years ahead.
If they are not–or, even if some of them are not–you would do well to get help right away. The sooner you get that help, the longer you’ll have to experience a better relationship.