Oh, the big day is coming, Valentine's Day. And, you're sure s/he wants you to be their Valentine.

The big question, though, is: is it that you want to be wanted, or do you actually want this particular person to be your partner?

I know. That sounds kind of unromantic. We all like to be wanted, of course, and Valentine's Day is the perfect day to give you the illusion of being wanted. 

OK. That sounds like another splash of cold water. I know. I know. But, there is big tendency to go to mush on Valentine's Day. Somehow, Hallmark has made this day a defining moment in the life of relationships. How did they do that??

We love a good story.

"What are you doing for Valentine's Day?"

"What do you think s/he'll do for Valentine's Day?

"Do you think s/he'll pop the question?"

"Where's s/he taking you?"

"Did you get a mushy card, or a funny one because that means a whole lot of different things?"

See. We love a good story and Valentine's Day sets us up for that.

So, let's call a halt to this for a minute and look at what is really going on:

It isn't what s/he does or doesn't do on Valentine's Day that makes the difference. It's what s/he does for the other 364 days of the year! 

Anyone can put on a good show for Valentine's, right? Anyone can be sweet, giving and endearing when they really want to be. But, don't let that fool you. If s/he isn't that way most days, Valentine's Day is just a ritual without meaning!

YES, the cold hard reality of relationships is that they are based on how you treat one another daily, especially when life is handing out lemons. Good times relationships are wonderful. We can be easy to get along with, considerate, patient and loving.  Tough times relationships show you who you really are--and they show who your partner really is as well.

When I'm working with couples who think they are ready to commit to one another, or recently have, I take them through six essential conversations for starting on the right healthy, respectful, honest and truly loving feet. Most people don't have these conversations. And, that's like many people's Valentine's Days. 

  • They want to believe that this is the right person, not really find out.
  • They want to believe that things will smooth out by the magic of wedding daze.
  • They prefer the illusion of love with the flowers and candy to the harsher reality of how they treat each other every day.
  • They think that making love is the equivalent of being loving. It is not.
  • They put off having difficult conversations about their honest approaches to life, and hope that it will magically "all work out."
  • They believe that romance is connected to love. It isn't.
  • They are in love with the "idea" of being in love, not the realities of being loving!

So,  wouldn't you rather have a partner who treats you well every day, and Valentine's Day is the icing on the cake?

Then, don't settle for a one-day wonder and whirlwind of doing the right things to give you the impression you are loved when the daily reality just doesn't paint that picture.

That's why Valentine's Day mushiness hardly matters!

You can work with Dr. Rhoberta Shaler directly from wherever you are.


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