How to Stop Letting Someone Lie To You – Dr. Rhoberta Shaler

You know they’re lying. Listen to this episode for real reasons you don’t want to believe it or confront it, and what needs to change! You’ll feel better. Promise!


  • What deception really is
  • Usual reasons for not confronting the lies narcissists tell
  • What stops you from stepping up to the truth
  • Why #Hijackals® lie
  • Why you let them
  • Big four steps to stop the lies


Machine Transcription (sorry for the typos!)

Ever been lied to. Horrible isn’t it? And when you are lied to repeatedly and you know you’re being lied to repeatedly, and when you complain, or when you point out inequities or when you point out the untruths, you’re told that you’re crazy…

That’s the kind of thing we’re going to talk about today. Deception. Being deceived by a Hijackal through lying and manipulating and all the things that go with that. Why you allow it to happen, why they keep doing it, and some good broad strokes for the next best steps to making it stop. Stay tuned.

Today I’m going to be talking about something that sometimes we don’t even want to let ourselves believe. And that is that we are being lied to. And I can 100% guarantee you that if you are with a hiJackal, one of those relentlessly difficult toxic people that I talk about so much, you are being lied to.

  • Maybe big lies,
  • maybe small lies,
  • maybe lies that are convenient one moment and they change the next,

…but you are being lied to, right? And you know that.

So, whether it’s outright deception or it’s just kind of misconstruing, deflecting or distracting, whether it’s a lie of omission… they just leave something out that is vital to the truth.

They’re all lies.

They’re all deceptions. And to deceive is to cause someone to believe something that is not true. And typically, especially for Hijackals, in order to gain some personal advantage (and  they have a deep desire to deceive because they want that personal advantage), whether it’s in the moment or all the time… they’ll make you want to believe it.

So, we want to understand this completely and I wanted to give a few good thoughts for you to consider because it is essential to recognize what’s going on, and then to know why that may be something you’re not addressing.

Maybe you don’t know how to address it. So at the end I’m going to give you some ways to address it, but I want you to get in touch with the fact that “I know I’m being lied to, I know I’m being deceived and I want to have a good look at that right this moment.”

Then you may have to listen to this episode several times.

Now if you’re new to the idea of hijackals and you don’t really understand, I do have an eCourse called Seeing the Cycles. It’s a home study program, 13 videos. Each video has written words and journal items so it will lead you through truly understanding what it is like to be with a person with Hijackal tendencies. Now a Hijackal, my term, for those of you who haven’t heard it before it, this is my trademark term because I don’t believe we need a mental health diagnosis. I don’t think we need that in order to understand the patterns, traits and cycles of toxic people. So I just call them hijackals and that saves us a whole lot of time and energy because most people are not mental health professionals so you shouldn’t be diagnosing anyone,  anyway.

I want to address the issue right this second of why do you let them lie to you?

Now. I know that that sounds like you should know that they’re lying to you and you may or may not. But if you have an inkling that they’re lying to you or if other people have told you that they’re lying to you, let me just put these thoughts out there to see if any of these are actually true for you.

You don’t confront what you think may be a lie or you don’t ask questions because you want to believe it’s true. And if it’s true, then everything is all right in your world and you don’t feel disrupted. You don’t have to worry. Your greatest fears are not realized.

So first and foremost, you want to believe what they’re saying to you. And that can be really difficult because sometimes they are telling you that you are a bad person, where they’re making everything your fault. You don’t want to believe that. But I mean when they tell you things, they make you promises, they tell you how things will be, they indicate that you’ll be together forever. All of those kinds of things deserve your scrutiny. So one reason that you may just let those lies passes. You want to believe it so you don’t have to do anything.

Another reason is you so want it to be true when it’s a positive thing. Do you know, I, I know of a man who used to pride himself on calling himself a straight arrow that he would never lie. He would never do anything wrong. He, he was always faithful. He would never be Trey. He would never lie. And then he was caught in all of it. So the woman wanted to believe he was a straight arrow, as he said he was. But none of his behavior showed that. But she really wanted it to be true because it’s suited how she wanted things to be. So that may be why you’re buying the lie. Another reason you’re just not up for the confrontation. You don’t have the energy for it. You don’t think you’ll win and you probably won’t. Um, but you have the opportunity to at least say, I don’t believe it.

But sometimes that in itself will cause such a row, such a confrontation, such as six weeks of silent treatment or withdrawal or withholding that you just don’t have the energy for the confrontation. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with these reasons. I just want us all to realize these are some of the reasons that we don’t confront the lying. So another one, you just don’t want the drama. You know they’re going to play the victim or they’re going to become the aggressor. They’re going to be the emotional vampire. They’re going to come out. How dare you say that to me and who do you think you are? Or they’re going to play the victim part. As I said, Oh, nobody ever believes me and people always say bad things about me and you know you never loved me. Either way, too much drama and you just don’t want it so you don’t confront the life. Another reason is you don’t want to change. You don’t want that change even because it’s convenient not to confront the lie or maybe the timing is just bad. Maybe you’re going through a really stressful period and you just don’t have the energy for it. And the timing would be just bad if things went sideways so you don’t do it. And the last one I want to put out there is that you may be in denial.

You may believe that that high Jackal won’t lie to you. They wouldn’t lie to you know they have my best interest at heart. And if you’re with a high Jackal and you’ve listened to other podcasts and I hope you have or been to my YouTube channel, my YouTube channel is called for relationship help for relationship H. E L. P. if you’ve been there and listened to all these things, you may recognize the fact that you really want to believe that person is telling you the truth and you have all the evidence that they’re not. And other people are telling you they’re not telling you the truth. And yet you don’t want to confront it because you are just in denial. No, no, that can’t be true because it means that maybe you have chosen the wrong person. Maybe other people told you you were making a mistake and now you have to recognize you did make a mistake.

There are lots of reasons for going in denial, but none of them, none of them will serve you well in the long run and it’s really important to be playing on your own team. It’s really important for you to be doing what you can do to have the very best life possible when that is in integrity, one that you feel good about, one that lifts you up, one where you have a partner, a partner that has equality and reciprocity and mutuality and that you, you have each other’s back and you walk by each other’s side. These are things to strive for, but if you’re with a heart, all those things won’t happen. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That they will happen for a hot minute when they really, really, really want something from you. They will go back to being that person that you met, the one that was doing double flips and being the chameleon to be just who you want and to get you as quickly as possible.

They’ll go back to that. You know, we call that love bombing and there’s, there’s a whole video on that. Um, but they’ll rush back to that as they think. You’re not going to give them what they want. But none of these things are worth the price. The prices are very, very steep. And the price your children pay are also very steep. You may think that these things will postpone the pain. If you don’t believe it, you don’t want it to be true. You don’t want the confrontation, you don’t want the drama, you don’t want change. You may think it’s postponing the pain. It isn’t. Things are getting more painful, more poisonous, more difficult. You’re getting more resentful and worn down and put down and torn down as well. And one of the big reasons you don’t do it as you’re already exhausted. So if you keep not doing it, you’re going to be more exhausted.

So better start now. So why do the high jackals lie? Well straightforwardly. High jackals want to control you. They want to control the situation and they want to control the consequences. So they have to lie because there are a lot of things you’re not going to buy unless they package it the way you want to hear it. And that’s not the truth. So unfortunately they lie and they get in the habit of it and you get in the habit of believing them. And now we’ve got a real recipe for disaster. Hydrocaus lie because they Gaslight you to Gaslight. You means that they want to be the one who does, tells you how you feel and what you think and what you need and what you warned and what you remember. Have you had that experience? They want to be the one who tells you what your reality is.

That’s gaslighting. And they lie to you in order to Gaslight you. And that is another huge reason. They also lie because it’s convenient in the moment. Now the thing about high jackals is everything is pretty much in the moment. They need to win in the moment. They need to be right in the moment. They need you to be wrong in the moment. They need to take charge in the moment. And so in the moment they will lie because it’s convenient. Another reason they lie as the truce would tarnish their image and they’re very, very afraid of being shamed. So if they told the truth, they wouldn’t look good. So they lie. And of course, every Hijacker has to believe they’re the smartest person in the room. So therefore they think you’ll never catch them or stand up to them. And when you do, they’re going to squash you like a Nat and be prepared for that.

They’re very good at that. But you don’t want to live like this forever, right? You want to get out of this someday. You want a relationship that is the loving and respectful and honest and trusting and reliable. You want some joy. You want some partnership. And so you have to get up on your back legs and say, no, this is no good. I can’t be living in a place where I am constantly being lied to. And hijack jackals was just lie because they can’t. So hopefully none of those things is okay with you on any level. So let’s shine a little light into those shadows. Shall we? So what do you do to stop? Now you know that I talk a great deal about the personal weather report technique that I wrote about in Kaizen for couples. I highly recommend you get that book. It’s available in and for download on Amazon as Kaizen for Couples: How does save, sustain and strengthen your relationship. In there, there are full of communication strategies, conflict management strategies, ways to handle things with any other human being. Even though it is written for a partner relationship, it works for everyone. And the personal weather report is something I really invite you to master. Last chapters five and six. Chapter five is how to deliver a personal weather report. And it takes a lot of practice because it’s simple but not easy. And chapter six is how to respond to a personal weather report given by somebody else. So first of all, you need that technique. So going get Kaizen for couples and learn that technique. So here’s what we have to do to stop. First of all, you have to kind of have a little word with yourself. Be yourself reflective. Do I want this to continue? Even though I have all those good reasons for not stopping it, my life is going by, my children’s lives are going by.

Do I really want my life to look like this? Being in a relationship where I’m constantly lied to. So the big question you have to ask yourself is better now. Then a year from now, you’re going to have to change. You’re going to have to step up to it at some point, or you’re just going to be exhausted. You’re going to turn yourself into a pretzel and then into a doormat and then you’re going to be so downtrodden that it may be really much more difficult than it is right this moment to pick yourself up. So first of all, timing, tell yourself no, it can’t go on like this any longer. And then face the truths. I’ve given you lots of ways to notice how they lie on why they lie. So face the truth. If you have a high Jacko relationship, and remember you can get my free ebook, how to spot a high Jackal if you haven’t already, just go to high that’s hijack a L and get the free ebook there and check it out.

Make sure you’re with a hijack call. It’ll tell you and then face the truth of that. Okay, this person does have the patterns, traits, and cycles of a high Jackal and on no level is this okay with me? So you need to see it as it is not as you want it to be. See it as it is, not as you wish it were, and then examine your options. Okay? Now first of all, you could use the personal weather report, which is a great starting point because that’s going to strengthen your own inner understanding. It’s going to strengthen your communication skills. It’s going to validate the fact that you deserve to have your thoughts and feelings and needs and wants and to express them. It’ll help you become a cert IV and those are options that you have. The high Jekyll’s never going to take this lying down.

The Hijackal is never going to take this in an easy way. So don’t think there’s an easy way. There isn’t. But you need to empower yourself by learning how to speak up now, how to confront, not how to be in their face, not how to call them out. No, you have to come from within and empower yourself to have the life that you want. So you’re going to look at your options, the communication strategies. You’re going to look at your boundaries to see are you setting any in? If the ones you’re setting, are they non negotiable? Because if you have boundaries that are negotiable, it’s just going to go spilling all over the place and then it’s time to take action. And I’m always here to help you.

You know, for new clients, I offer a one hour full session for only $97 and that way we can find out what’s going on for you and what’s the outcome you want.




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