One phony way narcissistic people keep you hooked.
All those promises! All those dreams! Was it future faking? That’s a very common way that #Hijackals keep you engaged in the relationship. Learn how it works…and, what really doesn’t work about it. You need to see this clearly, or you’ll be hooked on hope!
All you ever wanted and more…one day. That’s the promise of future faking: when a Hijackal promises or alludes to giving you something you want in the future to get what they want in the present. And, so much more.
HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY’S EPISODE:
- How #futurefaking hooks you into staying in an abusive relationship
- Why it can become a pattern that you really don’t see
- How F.O.M.O. plays into the #futurefaking dynamics
- Parents and future faking you grew up with
- Red flags of future faking during dating. BIG!
- How narcissists and other Hijackals paint beautiful pictures of the future
- Why you need to believe the patterns and change your direction
A Hijackal makes big moves early on in the relationship, feigning great interest in knowing you. Sorry. It’s not because they’re so interested in who you are: it’s they’re so interested in what they can get from you. Sad. And, this is why they #futurefake! To engage you in the dream!
Lean in and listen to all the ways narcissists use this ploy to get what they want. You’ll want to recognize each one for what it is.
So disappointing! Being with a #Hijackal is a roller coaster that has great, occasional highs but goes mostly downhill. Future faking is a part of this that can keep you staying when you need to be going. Create a better future yourself.
In this article, we are going to be discussing future faking. Which is a one big phony way that people with narcissistic tendencies, endeavor to keep you hooked and keep you with them. Because they are suggesting that there is going to be something wonderful that is going to happen, and they want you to buy into that future.
Now, if you’ve been with the Hijackal for very long, you know, they’re full of promises and no delivery. But there is still a part of you that wants to believe. So we get really hooked on hope. We get hooked on the hope that the person we fell in love with is going to return one day.
And then we slowly have to get our head around that that person was in gotcha mode, they were looking to be the perfect person for a shortest period of time possible, so that they could get you and then they could be their true selves. And so many times we’re hooked on hope that that love bombing person from the beginning is going to show back up.
And while they may show back up, they only do that when they really want something or they don’t want to lose you. But it is all an act. That’s not the real person.
So future faking is one of the other phony things that hijackals do. And I really want to give you lots of examples about it, so that you can think it through carefully. Because future faking is what narcissistic people do to keep you hooked.
And future faking is when a Hijackal promises or alludes to something you want in the future in order to get what they want in the present. So they all promise you all kinds of things. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we did this? I think that all of this is possible. And you say oh yes and you buy into that possible future because that’s what you want. But remember, they know who you are, they have listened to you when you have exposed your vulnerabilities and they are ready to weaponize them and use them against you.
And future faking is just one of those ways that they weaponize your dreams, and then use it against you. So you buy into what they’ve said, in order to stay because maybe it will happen. You get hooked on that hope. And then you buy into it, even though you know it’s a pattern. But if you sat down in the cold light of day and asked yourself, has this person ever promised anything and delivered on it? your answer would be no and no.
Am I going to continue to buy into this future faking, presenting this beautiful picture of what could happen, which is exactly what they know you want to happen. And then, lo and behold, it doesn’t come to be. And that’s important thing for us to realize. And it could be a parent that did that to you. And you were just finding it familiar, when you find another partner. No, in other episodes, I’ve talked about that, that, that you have a familiarity in which you are comfortably uncomfortable, but it feels familiar. Even though there are things you know, you don’t want, the familiarity often wins out. And that’s how you find yourself in a relationship with a Hijackal.
Future faking can also be in really simple little things like, okay, I’ll call you tomorrow and they don’t. And if you bring it to their attention, they will say, well, I would have if I could have, but obviously I couldn’t. And they pass it off. At worst, they will say, you know, don’t nag me, I won’t call you ever, if that’s the way you’re going to talk. So, you learn not to question the future faking. And that becomes a habit, it becomes a pattern in the relationship. And you know, those two words that they like to throw around all the time, some day, and one day we should do this, someday we’ll do that. They know what’s important to you, and what you’d like, and then they future fake it. Because it’s like come here, I know who you are, I will give you what you want. But they have no plans of ever doing that because they are using it as a tool as a manipulation.
I know it’s sad, that you have to second guess when somebody offers you something you want so bad, or something you desire to happen. And they go into great depths, you know, one day we’ll move to France, and we’ll have a beautiful farm and you’ll have the kitchen you always wanted. And I will have the workshop I always wanted and or vice versa. And they paint this beautiful in depth picture. And you just say Oh, yes, and then you lean into the future fake. And then it never happens, but you want to keep buying into it. And they know you will want to keep buying into it. So you get hooked on it happening. And then you stay on because of FOMO or the fear of missing out.
Because you are thinking what if it’s just around the corner? What if it’s just about to happen, and I leave, because you know, they will continuously up the ante, and they will give you the idea that their big break is sooner than you think. So you get the idea of what this future faking is on small scale, short term, large scale, long term.
It’s a big red flag when you’re dating. Which is why when people ask me which they sell them do, how long do you think that I should wait before I get engaged or move in or marry someone? And I always say at least one trip around the sun, you need to see who they are in many seasons of the year, in many seasons of their life. What do they do when there’s joy? What do they do when there’s a celebration? What do they do when there’s sorrow? How do they handle disappointment? Maybe you’ll have an event in your life like a death or losing a job or having to shift homes, how do they respond?
But remember, the Hijackal is always in a hurry in the beginning when you’re dating. And so if a Hijackal ever says to you, I know I hardly know you, but I love you and we’re going to be together forever. Future faking, makes you lean into that because there’s something that you really want, and they can then speed up the process. And then you will buy it and you will think you’ve died and gone to heaven until the day that it turns in the other direction, which is often too soon.
And also, in the dating world. Future faking is a great way to charm you into bed and charm you into distracting from what your gut is saying, because you’ve been future faked. And so that will happen and they lean in and they listen well to find out what are your dreams and where are your vulnerabilities and where are your hopes and what seems like you couldn’t possibly do it. And they will say that you can and it’s natural to want to fall into that situation. It is natural to want to say, Ah, this is perfect, this person really knows me. And we’re going to get there eventually.
It’s part of the love bombing phase of things when you’re dating, and you love it, and they get you. And they really seem to get you who you are. And it seems so wonderful. And then once you’re hooked, you want to keep the dream alive. And so they work at keeping that dream alive. They bring it up every now and again.
And then, you know, hijackal parents future fake as well. One of my parents was a covert narcissist while the other one was borderline narcissistic and so my childhood was very difficult. Now, in my opinion the narcissistic and Hijackal parents, have children for three reasons. One, is to have someone to agree with them. Second is to have someone to serve their purposes. And thirdly, to have someone to validate them and make them look good.
And so when I was little, maybe around seven years old, I decided to be a medical doctor. And was a long time ago. So people would say, Well, you know, girls can’t be doctors. But I was going to be a medical doctor. And it meant so much to me. My parents always talked about it, our daughter is going to be you know, all of that stuff. But then when it was time to go to university to do premed, they said, Oh, but we’re not going to pay.
That was a future faked. So but I still wanted to do it. And so I took out loans, and I did it. But for all those years, it was like, I have clearly said that I want to go to university and become a medical doctor. Now, I didn’t become a medical doctor, because I had my first child, just between pre-med and medical school. And I couldn’t do that. So I switched and got a PhD in psychology, but same thing and still ended up being a doctor.
But you can see them see the future faking. They got all the juice out of me wanting to be a medical doctor, and they could talk about that. And they could talk about the good grades I got and all of that. But when push came to shove, they were not having any of that. And then when I was admitted into college, my parent’s response for about a nanosecond was great. And then it was, well, I don’t know why you need all that education, you should stay home and look after your children.
And that’s the way Hijackals work. And if that sounds familiar to you at all, I’m sorry. But that’s ultimate future faking, right? How about the person who says, oh, I’ll support you? How about we do this? You put me through school? And then when I set up my working life, have you can go back to school? How many times have I had a client come to me and say, Well, you know, my partner has this fabulous education. I had one whose partner was a thoracic surgeon, and she’d put him through medical school. And when it came her turn, what did he do? He had an affair and left her right future faking, keep you going with the promises, you’re going to get what you want, and then pull the rug the rug out and never give that to you. And so that could be something like that.
You just get hooked on that hope. And then in that situation, if they if they said something like, Well, you know, you can go to school, I can afford it. And then when you want to go to school, they have taken over the finances and they tell you, oh no, you can’t do that. You can’t do that. Now you’re not working. You thought you were going to go to school, and I have control of the finances. Therefore I have control over you. And that’s another form of future faking that you wanted to trust you wanted to buy in. And if you ever questioned it, they said, Don’t you trust me? Right? That’s what they say. Well, there has to be trust in a relationship. And then you’re caught, right? That’s how it happens. And they love to paint the picture.
You know, they paint a really romantic picture like, Oh, I think it’d be wonderful if we moved out in the country in another state or in another province or another country, we’ll get ourselves a little place way out there, we could have the life that we wanted, we could do everything our way, we could start fresh.
And what is the purpose of that with the Hijackal? Isolation, marginalization and control, but they create this future fake picture of a romantic, you-and-I-against-the-world. And then they have ultimate control over you. I was had a client who went along with that move to the country, and ended up in a position where she didn’t even have a car after a while. So, she was stuck. She had no access to money, no access to transportation, she was at home with the children. And he would just come back when he felt like it, whether they had food or not. She had made the mistake of buying into a romantic dream, because they’re very good at painting a compelling picture.
And so of course, you want to believe them. Don’t beat yourself up if you believed them. It was meant to have you believe it. And you wanted to believe it, because it was what you wanted. And you felt seen and heard and known. And then of course it didn’t happen. And the reason was, well, I wanted to that, but it didn’t work out. So no, you can’t do that.
That’s really, really difficult. But it keeps the supplier, they keep you as supply. And they keep you nearby, because you don’t want to miss what’s promised to you. And as I said earlier, it might just be around the corner. It might be Oh, it’s only another six months, you can wait six months, right?
And so you say Oh, yeah, I could wait six or only six months. Great, that’ll be terrific.
And six months comes and goes with no acknowledgement of the six month timeline, then if you bring it up, it’s like why are you impatient? Why are you always bothering me about this? Nothing about Oh, honey, I’m sorry that it’s not gonna work like that.
Because they give us the excuses. And then we make excuses for them. Because we don’t want to be too demanding. And we want to be understanding. And we think that that’s what collaboration in a marriage is supposed to look like. And in healthy marriage or relationship, it would go like that. But remember, when you’re dealing with a Hijackal, it’s never a healthy, equitable reciprocal or mutual relationship.
And even though we didn’t want to see it, and we didn’t want it to be true. In the end we come to realize that we actually are being manipulated.
They put the dream out there, it was always our dream, and so they shine the lights on it and say, we’re going toward that, and you bought into it. And you knew it wouldn’t be immediate, because Hijackals are very clear and careful to tell you it’ll take a while. So you bite into it, it won’t be immediate. And you keep telling yourself it will happen. They claim they want it to happen but they haven’t done anything about it. They haven’t looked into anything. They haven’t saved any money. They haven’t changed jobs, they haven’t done anything, but they really want it to happen. So we buy into that. And then we just believe with everything in us. And we don’t want to think it could be different and we believe and we stay back because of the fear of missing out the FOMO.
And it is kind of an emotional sleight of hand because they make this promises to distract you from the abuse. If they could just keep pulling you into the dream, then you won’t be thinking about the abuse. So it is almost that magician’s trick the sleight of hand that keeps you confused.
So it could also be daily future fakes, you know, I’ll do that tonight. But then they don’t stop at the store and bring home those groceries you wanted. They never had any intention of stopping at the store, you know, but they love their future faking because it gets you off their back, they give you the right answer the one that they know you want to hear. And then they do what they want.
Future faking can also come from your hijackal boss who keeps saying, you know, if you just work harder, just work harder, let’s get to that next level, and then you’ll be rewarded. They you push and push and it never comes in, there’s always a reason why you’re not going to get the raise, or you haven’t gotten the promotion
And you have to be able to determine what’s real and what’s not. So yes, sometimes these things happen, and they’re legitimate. But when you’re with a Hijackal, there’s a high likelihood that it’s not about legitimacy.
You know, so many times I remind you of my formula, the most important thing is ABB, always believe behavior and not what comes out of the mouth until it’s supported by behavior. So when you think about this future faking business, maybe now you can say, all right, I’ve been engaged in this dream, but what actions are actually being taken to secure that dream. And maybe that would be a moment of clarity for you. a wake up call, to maybe realize that we’re no closer to that future that was promised then we were on the day that it was promised. But every time there’s a little fear that I’m leaving, or I’m unhappy, and they think they’re losing their supply. All of a sudden, magically, the dream gets reignited.
And it’s important to see these things because you could go on for years believing the dream. Don’t beat yourself up for it, you long for it, you want it. Someone’s saying that they engage and they hear you and they know you want it.
You want to believe it? Of course it’s natural, it’s human. But when you start seeing that this person is playing with you, then it’s important to really take that into account. Because you may be buying into someone else’s promises.
And you may think that buying in keeps you on the team keeps you a team player, you may think it’s a wee thing. You know, I’ve talked before about there being three entities in every relationship to me’s and a we. And that’s what makes the three legged stool. And they need to be in balance. So you may think it’s a wee thing we’re doing. But then when you step back, and you put it in light of what I’ve been talking about, you realize that it isn’t a wee thing. It’s a manipulation.
And that’s a sad moment. I know. But it sure is a wake up call worth listening to. It truly is. Because it’s a hook that keeps you on the line but never gets you into the boat. You know.
You’re always out there in the waves, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, but it never lands.. And if you ask, When is it my turn? You’ll be put down for being selfish or impatient or not trusting? Oh, any number of things, then a Narcissist will say I really meant it. But when I said it, life intervened in and I can’t I can’t do it. Yes, sometimes that’s legitimate. But if you are beginning to see a pattern of that you may be engaged in a relationship that is based on future faking. And it’s really, really important to see that. And that’s the most important thing from this podcast episode is that you see it, don’t blame yourself for the patterns. But see the patterns, don’t blame yourself for engaging, see the patterns and say, What would I like to do differently about this? How would this be more useful to me?
So how long have you been hooked on hope? And are you ready to realize that it’s not coming? It is a dream, it’s a manipulation and a technique to keep you hooked? And they’re playing into your fear of missing out.
So maybe today would be a good day to say I see this clearly. Now, what do I want to do about it? How would I like to handle it? So take very good care of yourself. Step back and see things clearly. take steps to be in the best place in life you possibly can.