Wonder why you feel so alone even though you’re in a relationship? Hijackals–those relentlessly difficult, toxic folks–want to affect you, want to control how you feel. Abandoning you while with you creates a very lonely place. Notice these 6 ways so that you will be able to see them coming and not take them as personally.
Hijackals are constantly searching for places to exert power and control. This episode will also help you to recognize that, although Hijackals make these things your fault, they are NOT YOUR FAULT!
HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY’S EPISODE:
- How Hijackals–narcissists, and other toxic folks–desert you even when they’re in the same room with you
- How Hijackals show their lack of interest
- Why it’s important to understand feeling abandoned when the person is still there
- 6 ways this abandonment shows up in your relationship
We’re going to be talking about six sad ways Hijackals abandon you when you’re with them, not afterwards. It’s not them leaving the house, it’s right while you’re there with them! And they’re sad ways because that’s not what you signed up for. That’s not your probable definition of a good relationship. And you think that you’ve made a terrible mistake, and you may well have, but you also feel less than when somebody abandons you, right while they’re sitting there.
So I wanted to go into this in some depth so that you would see how it is that we get caught up in those relationships, and to be able to pull back and have some distance, to get a larger perspective to get a bigger picture of what’s actually going on. Because when you’re right in it, it just feels so terrible, that sometimes you can’t see it clearly. So I wanted to help you do that. There are many ways to get in contact with me. So if you hear things tonight that are important to you, or that you would like help with, please feel free to reach out, then I do have an offer for you. If you’re a new client, you can have a full one hour session for only $97 Go to beaclient.com.
So abandonment, we hear about that a lot. People use that term, we know what it kind of feels like to be left to be we talk about abandoning things at the side of the road just sort of left there and people leave. But the actual definitions of it are even more graphic. So in one dictionary, in the Oxford dictionary, it says having been deserted, or cast off. How doesn’t that just feel like low for the Hijackal You thought you were together. But you find that only one of you is going in this in a direction. When you saw you both would be going so you feel deserted and you feel cast off. Like go away. Get out of here. I’m going to do it my way. And in another Merriam Webster’s Dictionary, abandon is is described as to leave and never return. And even though they may be sitting there, their emotional selves, the Hijackals emotional self has left and may never return. Now we all know that Hijackals pop back in and do their little love bombing or appear to be interested in you. When they really want something or they’re really afraid of losing you. That will happen.
But if you recognize this feeling of abandonment, even while you’re in the relationship while you’re in the room with a person these six sad ways that they abandon you may really ring true and help you put your finger on what it is you’ve been feeling. And that’s a big step into deciding what to do about it. So the third dictionary definition comes from dictionary.com and that abandoned means give up or have a disinterest in; to discontinue any interest in… It feels like that doesn’t it?
A Hijackal tells you you’re the most wonderful thing in the world. Can’t wait to get married, can’t wait to move in with you, can’t wait to have a baby. They’re overwhelmed. Sometimes they even do all that on the first date. Because they’re in a big hurry. You know, as I said, in my book Kaizen for couples, there are lots of ways to make a healthy relationship. And they seem to be showing when you first meet a Hijackal. But then when I write about in escaping the Hijackal trap, there’s a whole chapter called the gotcha factor. Because these Hijackals, who are really in a hurry to nail you down, and are doing their big show of love and protestations of love, and, and thinking you’re wonderful and showing your wonderful and being all thoughtful, they’re in a big hurry to be able to get you. And then they can stop doing all that. Now, some of them stopped quickly, some of them stopped over years, but they will stop. So let’s talk about these ways that they abandon you the number one way, not because it’s at the top of the hit parade is just the first one is that Hijackals, don’t want to listen to you. They’ll listen to you really well, if you’re telling them how wonderful they are, or if you’re telling them what they want to hear. But if you need to talk, if you want to engage them in something, they are not interested, you’ve noticed that right? That reciprocal ability to hear one another kind of equal airtime overtime. It’s not there with a Hijackal.
They may ask a question, how are you doing? But are they actually listening for the answer? That’s a big sign. They go through the motions, but they don’t have any interest. And if they have discontinued their interest in you, you’ve been abandoned, you feel that way. So you just want to talk about your day, you want to talk about something that happened with the children, you want to talk about something that happened to work or in the world, just like to average healthy people would do. And they’re not interested, they would turn the conversation back around to them. Or they put down your desire to have a conversation with why would you think I’d be interested in that.
And so they abandon you, they leave you high and dry and deserted, just because you wanted to have a natural, healthy discourse with them, not about anything do just to have an healthy interaction with another human. But they were not having any part of that. So that’s where they leave you. They don’t even want to listen, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t ask questions that don’t have some reason for them to ask something to do with something that they want. And all you’re there is wanting to have conversation, wanting to be together and hoping to be heard a little bit.
But no, the Hijackals not going to do that. Why? It’s not about them. It’s not about them. It’s not interesting. And they’ll tell you things like, you know, you’re harping, you’re nagging you’re always negative, you’ve always got something that you want to talk about that, you know, there’s a problem somewhere in the world, I don’t want to hear about it. So they will abandon you, they’ll cast you off, they’ll desert you, they’ll they’ll leave emotionally there’ll be emotionally unavailable or absent.
Have you had that feeling? You know, even if it was your mother, did your mother want to hear about what your day? Did your mother show an interest in how you were feeling? Or what your dreams were or your father? And then how about your partner? And what happens if a Hijackal parent has a relationship with a healthier human, the offspring may in fact turn into a bit of a Hijackal and they won’t be interested in you either. So that’s a big one. You know, that feeling of being abandoned is real. Sure, there are a few people in the world who will choose any dramatic emotion at any time. But for most people, have feeling of abandonment hurt so much because it’s real and healthier. humans tend to take it on and say what am I doing wrong?
What could I change and that’s a healthy thing to do. However, the Hijackal is counting on you to think it’s your fault. Meanwhile, they’re abandoning you. So that’s a big issue. The second sad way that they abandon you is, when you express that you need them. It’s as if you need them is a sign to say, Oh, you need me, I’m not going to be available. They don’t want to be needed. Because that asks too much of them. In a matter of fact, they they wanted to be needed because they like to be able to not meet your needs. But you feel abandoned, because you go to this to a Hijackal.
And say, I really need some company right now. You know, I’m going through a rough time. Not my problems is the Hijackal not my problem. What would make you think I want to listen to that. And there you are, you’re baring your soul, you’re vulnerable, you’re sad, you’re upset, you’re devastated even worse. And you just want that other human, who has pretended to love you to listen to you to actually hear beyond listening, that you need them. You need them to help you feel better. You need their support, you need their input, you need their time. You need their attention.
Well, Hijackals are all about me.com. So you have a need. How dare you. It’s about me, says the Hijackal. So there you are thinking that you’re going to have some semblance of partnership. If you haven’t already been in a relationship long enough to realize you’re not, you start to say, it isn’t available to me. Here I am, in that lonely, lonely situation. I don’t think there are many places lonelier than being in a relationship with a person who is abandoning you emotionally. So you need them prime reason for them, to walk away, to not listen, to make you needy, to blame you for having needs.
Have you experienced that? You went to the person that you thought was your partner? And your partner says, No. I’m not here to meet your needs. I’ve had examples, too many examples, where one partner would be my client told me stories of, you know, going into labor Hijackal wouldn’t take them to the hospital. I have a story of one woman who, who got a really bad reaction to COVID. And her husband wouldn’t take her to the hospital because sick people go there. She had to drive herself to the hospital.
The Hijackal was needed, not excessively but in a normal way. And the Hijackal said, No, you have a need. Hmm, let me exert some power, and not meet that need for you at all. Watch me. So you’re abandoned while in the relationship. The third sad way they do things is when they abandon you, when they don’t think you make them look good. Now they can abandon their children in this regard. Many times we have a Hijackal, who doesn’t want anything to do with a special needs child or a child who has a medical condition.
Now this goes both ways. Some of them go way overboard by being at the hospital all the time going to every visit being the primary person the doctor talks to and then starting a foundation for children with that ailment. So they can get attention for that. But the majority of Hijackals Go the other way. My child would not have that difficulty. No, it must be your side of the family. My child would never have that difficulty. And because it reflects poorly on them. They abandon the child and you emotionally if not physically. Because they see it as a poor reflection on themselves.
Or maybe you have an accident and you end up needing crutches or whatever. All the jokes will be at your expense. Because you don’t make them look good anymore. It can be subtle, it can be overt, you can get very ill, and they’re too busy, they’re too busy to help, they’re too busy to come visit, they’re too busy to take care of you, they shouldn’t have to. It’s not what they signed up for, you know, all of those things, they will abandon you, especially when you need them. As I said in number two happens over and over and over. You know, I have clients all around the world, not every single country, but many, many countries and have had over the last years, the stories are the same, the behaviors are the same. And if you ever want my help to beat with by being my client, I told you earlier, you can go to be a client.com be a client.com. And we’ll talk about what’s going on in your world. Or if you’d like to, to support this podcast, you can go to patreon.com/save, your sanity patreon.com/save your sanity, and if you’re not familiar with Patreon is a simple way to make a one time donation or a small monthly donation. And it really helps defray the cost and keep us on the air reaching more and more people with this information. So there are things for you. And there are things for other people, and you can help that happen. So the Hijackal has to look good. And if they don’t think you’re making them look good. They will avoid and they may abandon you. If you put on weight after having a child, if you’re a woman with a Hijackal partner, they might have been proud as punished to pat your stomach and say, Look what I did. I’m so potent. Look what I did. But then afterwards, they’ll carry the baby. And they will take all the attention. Maybe because that’s who they are. But also maybe because well, you you have some weight to lose Hijackals are great. Body shamers No, they are they are really low in the ways that they will take shots at you. And it shows up here. You lose your job. You know, how dare you that doesn’t make me look good. And then we have the Hijackals who go in reverse. They don’t have a job. But they belittle you for not making enough money, they abandon their role, and they abandon you and then they blame you for it. I thought it’s a very convoluted road. And it is inaccurate. It’s unfair. Definitely sad, definitely nasty. But if you find yourself slipping into a role where there’s a Hijackal, who isn’t working, who’s telling you that you don’t earn enough money? Really have a Big Think about that. Okay? Because that’s really warped. That’s really screwed up. put it mildly. And you don’t want to be any part of that any longer. Because that’s totally total abandonment. Now let’s look at number four. It’s big Hijackal will abandon you when you want. This re must have so the healthy adult relationship that I talked about in episode one, five. If you want equality, oh no. If you expect to want reciprocity, are you kidding? It’s all about me.com There’s no equality, there is no reciprocity. I want you to do everything for me and I’ll do as little as possible for you. And then mutuality. They’re not interested in you. mutuality means becoming attuned to one another’s thoughts and feelings and needs and wants and wanting for your partner what they want for themselves. And you won’t find that in a Hijackal partner. You won’t find that in a Hijackal parent. As I’ve said many times Hijackal parents engage in upside down parenting. Healthier parents understand that a parent is there to meet the needs of the child. A Hijackal parent honestly believes the child is there to meet their needs.
So if that happens, you are going to have a very difficult time creating equality reciprocity and mutuality. That’s the absolute bedrock, the primary basic things that have to be present to have a healthy adult relationship with anybody If you’re in a partnership role, a romantic, supposedly romantic role, and you are not getting equality, reciprocity and mutuality, please step back and have a look and go, Whoa, that’s right, where went off the rails, right, they’re the most fundamental things are not there, and are not willing to be put there either. The Hijackal does not want equality, the Hijackals does not want reciprocity, because Heaven Knows they’d have to do something for you. And they don’t want mutuality, because they’re not that interested in you. So they don’t know what you really need or want anyway. And it’s sad, it’s very sad, and you feel abandoned, while in the relationship. If you haven’t listened to Episode 115, it’s a really good thing to do. Because it will help you think about all the relationships in your life, and see if they actually are healthy adult relationships. Okay, number five, sad, nasty ways that Hijackals abandon you while you are with them, is when you’re exhausted, and you have nothing else to give them. They are totally disinterested in you. They have made it so that you are exhausted, they have worn you down, put you down torn you down. They have created the exhaustion they’ve expected way too much of you far too consistently over too long a period of time. And yet still.
This is all happening.
So when we look at that, we have to be really aware that you have been exhausted by them. You are totally exhausted by them. And yet, they are the ones that exhausted you and yet they have no use for you now that you’re exhausted, they’ve taken all the all the joy out of you totally taken it out on you down to nothing criticized you judged you made offhanded comments made jokes at your expense, you have done everything in your power that you can think of just sustain the relationship. And now they abandon you because you’re no use to them. They created it. And now they make you wrong for it. And there you are nothing left to give all the responsibilities. And they’re having no part of it, they’re going on with their life. Unfortunately, far too common, far, far, far too common. So if you’re recognizing that, stop trying to have something to give them, they have taken everything there is don’t think that it’s your job to somehow create the energy to do more for them. Because they’ll just take that too. And healthier humans, they always want to have hope. They always want to believe that a person can change, they always want to give people the benefit of the doubt. That’s how you got so exhausted, at least as part of how you got so exhausted. So take that in, realize that by you’re over giving, and they’re overtaking, you were worn down. And now that you’re exhausted with nothing left to get all they have is scorn and criticism of you. So they’ve emotionally abandoned you. Again. That’s really sad stuff. truly sad stuff. So let’s look at number six. Another way that hardship close abandon you is when you don’t fall for their patterns anymore. When you actually maybe you’ve been listening to this podcast for a while. And you see clearly what they’re doing because I’m always inviting you to observe their patterns. And you start to see it and you don’t fall for it anymore. Or you don’t take it seriously, or you don’t engage with it anymore. Then they’ll abandon you. They don’t want any part of that they’re not going to take responsibility. They’re not going to stand there and allow you to realize that they are less than perfect. Because in their eyes there’s so petrified that they have to think that they’re perfect and don’t get all compassionate right there. and that they have to think they’re perfect. That’s their task, that’s their walk to walk in this life, you can’t walk out for them. You didn’t break them, you can’t fix them. Please take that to heart. All the love, you pour in all the stability, you try to create all the reassurance that you try to give them Has anything changed for the positive? No, you’ve just become more and more tired, more and more empty. And in this last way, when you don’t fall for their patterns anymore, they hate hate hate being seen. In that light, they don’t like to be exposed, they don’t like to feel that you’re on to them. Because they’re not particularly on to themselves. And they are not self reflective. So they do not like to hear that music from you. So think is the same as you could be, you could understand that they’re their game players, you start to realize that the conversation always goes around a particular way to make things better for them worse for you. You may have realized their pattern of manipulation. That one day they tell you that black is white. The next day, they tell you, black is red. And you say yesterday, you said black was white, and they tell you, you don’t listen very well. I can’t count on you for anything, you’re not on my side. When you get onto that, then you no longer go green with them. You’re no longer believing them, you’re no longer investing yourself in their story. They don’t like that.
Maybe you’re on to the pattern of gaslighting where they and I’ve done a whole two or three episodes on gaslighting where they are trying to define your reality for you. You know when they say these pompous things like I know you better than you know yourself. That’s a big red flag. Honest to goodness, if anybody tells you that they know you better than you know yourself. See that big red flag waving? See it? Because they don’t. And don’t give them credit for it. Please don’t. Or maybe another pattern that you see, is there blame shifting? You say, you know this happened? And you said this. And that’s why this happened? And they take that as blame and what did they say? No, that’s exactly what you do. You shift the blame back on you. I did an episode on blame shifting. I’ve done an episode of future faking, you get on to their future faking all they hate that future faking is when they make promises, this is going to happen one day, we’ll have this next month, we’ll go there, I have invested in this and it’s going to have a return that will will allow us to do these things. Those things never happened, you notice that is future faking to get you off their back, they promise you what you want down the road, and it never happens. That’s abandonment right there. You thought the two of you were were joined together on a path and you find out No, they’ve led you down the garden path, there is not going to be the result that they promised you. One day, one day One day, this lake the married person who always tells their lover, well, soon I’m going to get a divorce soon I’m going to get a divorce. And that doesn’t happen. So you will be abandoned when you start to see their patterns. And you start to not believe what they tell you because the pattern tells you that you shouldn’t believe it. So in all these ways, we feel abandoned. We feel cast off, we feel deserted. We feel the lack of interest that they’ve given up on us they have no interest. They think they know everything about you. And it leaves you with that feeling of being all alone. And yet there’s another person sitting right there is sad. It’s empty. It’s difficult. We don’t want to be abandoned. We’re not people need one another’s nervous systems. We need a person we need our person. You know, and and I say need because we do have a need is very biologically oriented. You know, if you didn’t live with somebody else, you could get killed by a wild animal. Right? We have this very biological imperative from a long time ago, that to be with other humans, we should be able to trust those humans to have our best interests at heart as we have theirs. But there’s never so with a Hijackal. Never, ever so. So I hope that these items have made you recognize that feeling of abandonment, where it comes from, and how it shows up in your relationship, not to mention the fact that they’re always threatening to really abandon you to walk out leave you with nothing. That’s real, too. But this very sad feeling of being abandoned while in a relationship is really difficult. And know that you don’t have to endure being deserted or cast off. You do not have to endure it. I’m here to help you. I’m here to help you understand. I’m here to help you be emerging empowered. And if you are not ready to work with me directly, you can certainly become a member at emerging empowered community. Just go to join in today.com lots of discussion threads, people supporting people, many member perks one of which is to group Ask Me Anything calls with me every month, special videos, special books, all kinds of things go to my members every month. So come on over to join in today.com and have a look, see if it’s good for you. And until we speak again. I won’t abandon you. Come on along, but don’t abandon yourself. Remember that you’re precious, and you matter. And take very good care of yourself until we speak again. Talk soon.
Rhoberta Shaler 31:52
Thank you for joining me on the save your sanity podcast today. I hope you’ve had some new insights, some ideas and strategies to help you gain clarity and confidence from moving forward toward greater emotional health and safety. You deserve that and so to your children. If you found value here and would like to support this podcast with $1 of five each month, please do so at patreon.com/save your sanity. Learn more about how to work with me via video conference. Join me optimize circles or subscribe to this podcast on my youtube channel at my website transforming relationship.com Talk soon