**TW** AUDIO and transcript CONTAIN some brief references to sexual abuse.
We all have things we fear, things we may not even be conscious of. Hijackals exploit your deepest root fears to manipulate and control. They make those fears worse and more real. Recognize these fears and how the Hijackal feeds them.
HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:
- How Hijackals are attracted to people with wounds
- How your root fears can turn into your beliefs about yourself and others
- Why Hijackals want to keep you hypervigilant and afraid
- Reclaiming and regaining your personal power
Oxford Languages defines fear as “an unplesasant emotion caused by the believe someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” There are many roots to your fears: the places things grow from. When you were raised by, lived with, or left a Hijackal, you will have had your fears magnified by the experience, in most cases.
Time to recognize these ten fears (there are many more) and how Hijackals prey on them to keep you scared, small, restricted, confined, and controlled. Nasty!
Once you listen to this episode, you will be empowered to see how Hijackals use your fears and wounds to manipulate, control, and coerce you. With that knowledge, you can recognize the emotional abuse.
Want to talk about your relationship? . I’m here to help.
Let’s talk soon.
Other episodes you might also find of value on this topic:
Intimidation and Coercive Control: How and Why It’s Holding You Hostage
MACHINE TRANSCRIPT –
tonight, we’re going to be talking about 10 Root fears. Hijackals pray on relentlessly. And it’s important for us to look at these because these are root fears that are in many people. And then some people more than others, because you may have had neglectful or hijack call parenting, maybe some adverse childhood experiences. And so these fears may be even more real to you.
So I want to look carefully at these 10 route fears because Hijackals love to find someone who is vulnerable, vulnerable to what they like to prey on vulnerable to them taking control of the other person. And they like people who are what we call pre groomed, the people are already upset, they’re maybe feeling a little needy, they may be badly hurt, had trauma. And so the hijack call who is somewhat lazy, in most cases, picks the people that they will have the easiest time to control. And so these root fears are what Hijackals prey on.
It’s important to understand that as I said, because you might not have thought about it, you may not have thought about these very deep things within you that the Hijackals going yep, I can get them there. And they’re and they’re and they’re so want to bring that to your attention tonight.
So let’s talk about these 10 Root fears.
So what is really going on when we have a fear, you know that that seems so basic to everything. But Oxford languages tell us a fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat. Or it’s something or someone is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. That’s what gives us fears. And what these people can do. These people who are dangerous, can play into our fears. And they love to do that. They’re very, very happy to be doing that.
So knowing what root fears are, and there are many, of course, but I’m going to talk about 10 particular ones tonight. And then you can extrapolate from there. If you have other fears. Once you begin to see how the Hijackal recognizes it taps into it and says I’m going to prey on that and you are going to be insecure, you are going to perhaps feel trapped, you’re going to feel controlled, manipulated, deceived, and they are going to have some power over you if you allow it to continue.
So let’s look at these things, their root fears because what is the root Well, a root is the place that things grow from. So they have been in you and they have growing within you. And then they have been fed by the people in your life, if you didn’t have that feeding, if you’re you recognize that you didn’t need to be afraid of these things, these weren’t fears in your life, that’s pretty much how we tell that you had a healthier childhood.
And if these fears are deeply embedded, and they really affect you deeply, then they have been triggered in your earlier life in most cases. And so they become very real to you. And of course, they’re very real anyway to anybody. So I’m just going to go through the 10, and talk about what they are, but also how the Hijackal plays into it. So number one is the fear of abandonment. It’s said that we’re born with that fear, because basically, we know that we’re just a blob.
We’re not like cows and sheep, when we’re born, that we just slip out of our mothers get licked off, and then we can leap up and run around the meadow and go and find food. We can’t, we intrinsically know that. So we are afraid of being left, we’re born, we can’t move, we can’t feed ourselves, we can’t protect ourselves, we can’t find clothing, we can’t find shelter, we can’t do anything. So we are completely at the mercy of the giants who brought us into this world.
Then if those giants were benign, and they were kind, and they were compassionate and loving, we will have one experience, if they perhaps weren’t so keen on having a baby, if they didn’t have time, they didn’t want to pay attention. They felt competitive with the child and a number of reasons, particularly if you had a Hijackal parent. I did I had two of them, then it was all a competition. It was on all the time. So the fear of abandonment of just being left helpless. powerless, is a huge fear.
Now, how do Hijackals trigger that fear? Well, they simply walk out on you don’t they? They yell, scream, throw a few fits, and then slam a few doors as take off with the gravel spinning. And they don’t tell you when they’re coming back. They don’t tell you if they’re coming back. They tell you nothing. And that plays into your fear of abandonment.
If you had a history of that in your younger life, then when it shows up with the Hijackal in your adult life, you are going to be finding that familiar? And the fear is familiar. Will they come back? Am I safe? I need them, I need them, I need them. And that’s what they’re hoping that you’re thinking, I need them.
So when they come back home to anything you asked, just don’t leave me again. So the fear of abandonment is huge, really huge in most of us. And particularly if we’ve had Hijackal parenting or neglectful parenting, and the Hijackal themselves are feeding into that. Never knowing if we’re secure or not. Will they return? Will they leave? Will it be my fault? And unfortunately, many people think that the Hijackal Leaving is their fault.
No, always remember, another person is autonomous. They are deciding what they’re doing. And their behavior shows you who they are. Don’t think you caused it. You didn’t.
Okay, number two is the fear of rejection and criticism.
Now, you’ve heard me say in other episodes that I think that perfectionism that desire to be perfect to get it right so that the the parents will like you, the parents will validate you, the parents will approve of you. I think that we need to turn that on his head. And I talked about that at length in another episode, that the the fear of not being perfect. This desire for perfection, I believe is really the fear of rejection, that we’re just afraid to be abandoned and left and not wanted.
And so we have a fear of rejection and a fear of criticism that leads up to the rejection. So many times we try to sort of perfect ourselves. But on the other hand, we try to constrain ourselves to get smaller, to appear almost invisible, so we can’t offend. So they can’t be rejected and there won’t be anything to criticize. But the Hijackal wants to criticize the Hijackal needs to criticize in order to feel superior.
So They play on that fear of rejection and criticism. And you know, they can say the nastiest things. It’s not true, in most cases what they say. But because you have perhaps been damaged earlier, you are afraid that it is true. And you’re afraid that they are right. And so you hand them the power.
Now that you see that, perhaps you will see that you can take that power back. But understanding this fear of rejection, and fear of criticism that will lead to that rejection can keep us very small, keep you very constrained, keep you very fearful of making a mistake. And of course, the Hijackal, what do they love to do? Find fault and blame you for everything.
That dynamic is always at play, if I can keep you afraid of rejection and criticism, and I can play on those things. Well, then I have power and control over you.
So number three, is the fear for our own safety, for having control of our environment, or at our fear of being controlled, or not being controlled, or being out of control. So we just talk about safety, we have a fear of not being safe.
And that leads to hyper vigilance, you know, we’re always what’s happening, who’s doing what, am I seeing everything? Is there something that I’m missing? Am I safe? You know, just think about the fear of abandonment, which was number 1am, I safe is part of that. And if you’re constantly thinking about your safety, you’re afraid that you’re not safe, that you have to be looking over your shoulder in a hyper vigilant way, that you’re walking around with your shoulders up by your ear lobe somewhere, thinking, Oh, I’m going to hold myself up and, and I’m going to be okay, I’m going to be okay.
No, that’s too much fear running, just way too much fear. And we should be safe in our world. Now. I use the word should advisedly, that would be ideal. We know there are lots of ways in which we’re not safe in our world. But when we have a person that we believe we’re in a loving relationship with, or we think is supposed to be a loving relationship, we tend to let down our fears, because we think that we are safe.
And then when you’re with a Hijackal, you start learning that you’re not safe, you’re not safe, so you don’t let down your fear. Because you know, you’re not safe. And you keep trying to keep yourself safe. And that is very, very tension producing and chronic anxiety producing, just because you don’t feel safe.
If you find yourself always thinking, you know, perhaps you’re with a Hijackal and that person is coming home and an hour before they come home, you’re already feeling tension and pressure, you know, what are they going to say? What are they going to do? Is there something that they can complain about? Is there something they can find fault with? What kind of mood are they going to be at, you can’t count on them to be safe to be around, it is a big deal. And when you’re with a Hijackal that plays into this is they tell you what they want. You give them what they say they want. And when you give them what they said they want, they want something else and not what you gave them. Because that’s how they maintain power and control. They will never let you be approved up.
You know, I’ve told a story before about realizing after my mother’s death, that there was still a part of me wanting her approval. And when I really worked it through and sought it through. I didn’t approve of her. So why would I be wanting the approval of someone of whom I didn’t approve. Now that was a big moment for me to figure that out.
A really big landslide moment.
Because I wanted the approval of people that I don’t approve of, do you? Why would I want their approval? I don’t even like them. I don’t like what they sound for. I don’t like the way they do business. I don’t like the way they speak. Why would I want their approval.
So you may be wanting the approval of a hijack call and you don’t even like the way they behave. So it’s very important to understand how deeply this fear of for our safety goes that we are willing to forego some larger core pieces and rationality into your logical pieces of it, that I want the approval of someone of whom I don’t approve. That’s a key piece to have a look at in your life. So that is number three.
Now, number four, is a fear of changes and endings.
It’s a fear of loss. When we choose someone to be our partner, we are choosing to add to our life, we are really quite confident sometimes in our choice. And if we’re not confident, and people tell us we shouldn’t be with that person, sometimes we listen. But more often than not, it seems that we then want to fly in the face of the people who told us not to have a relationship with that person. Because we think we are going to change them, they are going to be better for us, we are going to be the person who turns them around.
It never works with a Hijackal. Never ever, ever, ever. It just doesn’t.
And so if you’re in that dynamic, where you are the fear of change, or endings, the fear of loss, then you don’t want to change the relationship, and you will stay stuck, and they know that you will stay stuck, they know that you will want to stay stuck because you don’t want to unsure the relationship. Because you have this fear of loss and ending. Does that make sense to you, that you can be caught in your own reality, they’re of being afraid of change and endings.
And they then know that about you, and count on the fact that you will not end the relationship. And you don’t want to be wrong. So you don’t end the relationship. So they play into your fear of loss, and change and endings. And then you’re in a dynamic that can go on for a very long time and is very, very unhealthy. And that’s a root fear, the fear of change the fear of loss, loss of our life. You know, we certainly have that as well.
** TW **
And so number five is the fear of being restrained or confined. You know, if if you’ve ever been sexually abused as I was by my father, I couldn’t figure out as I got into my teens and early 20s, why I absolutely panicked. When the bedsheets were caught, and I couldn’t get out of the bed immediately. I just couldn’t get out. And I would get really panicky. And it was what that was one of the clues that I had going back to find out what really had happened to me, because I had this fear of being restrained and confined. And even the bedsheets represented that to me, that might make sense to some of you.
And we don’t want that feeling. We don’t want that confinement. That is, you know, we like to have a hug, because it’s mutual confinement in a sense. But when someone else restrains or confines us, we don’t like that at all. And that’s the beginning many times of reactive abuse, because you want to leave room, and the other person, the abusive person doesn’t want you to leave, and then you go to leave, and they grab you. And then that’s the beginning of some physical violence. Because we don’t want to be confined, we don’t want to be restrained. We don’t want to be controlled in that way.
And so, this is an important fear to realize, because when you’re with a Hijackal You are constantly kind of find and restrained by what their idea of who you should be and how you should act is emotionally constraining. And then they may add to it by being physically constraining.
Now they may only be in their minds touching you or for your own good, or whatever kinds of things they say. But they may be physically restraining. And we have a deep desire to be freely able to move about the planet. And when someone nails us down and restricts us reduces our ability to be free, we react to that usually strongly. And in doing that, then we struggle to get free and in doing that, then somebody will turn in turn become more violent.
So it’s important for us to realize that this root fear of not wanting to be constrained and restricted, can be played on by the Hijackal by boxing you in You know, maybe taking the outside seat in a restaurant booth so you can’t get out, getting you in the car with them and then starting an argument and then they drive very fast, so you can’t get out. All of these things play into the fear of being constrained or restricted and confined.
Very basic route fear. We don’t want that. Yes, when we’re little, we like to be swaddled because we’ve been inside in a very tight cocoon. But once we learn how to run them play, and somebody tries to say, no, come here, you got to sit down. No, we don’t want it to say, we have energy. We want to express it. We want to be interactive with our world. And then somebody says, No, you can’t be. We don’t like that. And yet, isn’t that what Hijackals? Do? They’re constantly telling him no, you can’t be? No, you’ll do what I want you to do. No, we’re not going to do what you want to do. No, you’re wrong. No, we’re not leaving the house? No, are you going out in that, you have got to be kidding. All kinds of little constraints. We don’t want that.
Number six is the fear of not being seen or valued.
We, we want to be seen and valued, we want to know that someone else acknowledges our right to take up space and draw breath on this earth. It’s not some sick thing where we need to be told all the time that we’re wonderful. And the neatest thing since sliced bread.
No, it is an F fear that we have of not being seen, and not having any significance in someone’s life. And if you weren’t neglected, when you were a child, if you maybe weren’t, as wanted as you hope to be, you can have that problem where you really feel like they don’t see me, they don’t want me, they don’t value me. They certainly don’t validate me. And Hijackals are the kings and queens of not validating you, because their need to be validated is so enormous, that when they are the only person in the room worthy validation, and you want some Whoa, no, how dare you?
No, no, no, it’s all about me, you know, that’s the way Hijackals Are and when you have a need or you want to them you are an inconvenience. And so you do not deserve their attention. And that plays right into that root fear of being insignificant, not seen and not valued. And they will do it in so many ways. They will cut you down be little you degrade you name call, and cast aspersions on your background, make you less than tell you you’re never enough, never good enough. All of those things will, will play into your fear of not being seen, valued or validated.
This big, isn’t it? I mean, there’s a lot in this list. And it’s not an exhaustive list. I’m only giving you 10 In this episode, but there are so many more. But I hope it will get you thinking about things.
And if you’re finding that, oh, I want to talk to duck Shaler about that knows that you can, you know I have a new client when our opportunity go to be a client calm, and we can talk for an hour is one time for new clients. And it’s there for you. And if you were wishing to be part of my membership program, the emerging empowered community go to join in today.com. And there we talk about these things to join in today.com.
So we’re thinking about this not fear of not being seen or valued, validated or being significant someone, a baby are to be very significant to their parents. They added this human being to their family into the world. And that’s a really big significant thing. And you are it very many people that wasn’t the way it was you did not achieve that significance. And it could be very detrimental to you know, many people come to talk to me and they said, You know what, why does my childhood matter so much?
Well, you can see that many of these root fears were poorly attended to when you were a child perhaps and so because they haven’t been attended to. It makes you easy prey for Hijackals and that’s why we need to work together. so that you won’t be. And if you currently are in a relationship with a Hijackal, we really need to talk every relationship every person is different. But know that if you go to be a client calm, we can talk about your particular circumstance. So let’s move on.
Number seven, is actually the flip side of number six. Some people have a fear of being seen, you know, they would just like to feed into the woodwork, they’d like to be insignificant, they would like to not have any attention paid to them. And so they’re, they have a fear of being seen of being a parent of being noticed. And Hijackal is really good at building you up in the beginning. And sort of taking that fear away, telling you how wonderful you are, how perfect you are for them, how delighted they are with you, and then they get you to spill the beans on all your vulnerabilities.
And then what do they do? They weaponize those vulnerabilities and hit you over the head with them later. So this fear of being seen, is also an important one to recognize. Because if you had an early beginning, where you just weren’t paid attention to when you cried, or laughed or did anything, then the idea of someone paying attention to you could be fearful.
And number eight is the fear of pain.
That’s emotional pain and physical pain. We have those fears of pain, we don’t want to be in pain, who wants to be in pain except a few sadistic people. And who wants to cause pain except people who don’t care, or maybe are masochistic. But we have a deep fear of pain. And a hijack all those rules can cause you some pain, not consciously, but in order to feel superior in order to feel that they are the ones who are running the show.
They want you to be in fear of pain, that could be inflicted verbally, it could be emotionally, could be physically, it could be sexually, it could be financially, it could be spiritually, but they want you to have the fear of pain. And if that is route fear for you, that was homegrown. And they learn that, then they say Ha, you’re predisposed to be groomed by me, and do that a little bit further. So Hijackals play into our fear of pain, and they threaten.
Now many of them never carry out the threat. But they get great joy of threatening you with emotional or physical pain. Because they can see you cower, they can see that they have power over you immediately in that moment, it likely shows on your face, or in your body language. And so they’re very happy to see that you are concerned, you know, going back to that definition of fear, as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief someone or something is dangerous. Well, there you go. The Hijackals says, I want you to believe I’m dangerous, I want you to believe I have power over I want you to believe I could take you out. And then they behave that way.
So if your root fear is that you are afraid of pain, which most of us are painted verse, then it’s a very basic one that they can tap into and prey on. And they just, you know, they do it so carefully. They, they make you fearful. And then they keep you there for a while and then they take their foot off the accelerator. And you say Ha, I’m okay. And then they put it back on. And it’s very, very evident that they are in charge of your pain level or want to be. And so that again can happen very clearly.
Now, number 9 is a fear of poverty, a fear of scarcity, a fear of not having enough and always ideal for a Hijackal Who wants to perpetrate financial abuse, have control over the finances, have control over the assets and leave you without a bank account. Leave you perhaps without a car, leave you with nothing except what they give you or that you have to ask for. And so there we come into the fear of poverty.
Poverty is not just about money. It’s a lack of things. It’s a lack of scarcity of things. And that fear of scarcity, not enough love. to go around not enough money to go around, not enough attention to go around, you learn that when you’re young, and then you you move toward it, you know, I, I often use the analogy of a plant that’s thriving in a window, and someone takes it and puts it in the bathroom that doesn’t have a window. And so, after a while, the door opens in the bathroom, the plant, realize light comes from there and they lean, the plant will soon be leaning toward the door. For each time it opens, there’s going to be some light. And we get to be a bit like that plant when we’re in a relationship with a Hijackal. Like, where do we turn for some sunlight for some growth medium, for something that will give us a little abundance in our life, give us a little attention, give us a little tenderness. And that’s the home of trauma bonding. Because the Hijackal will give you everything that you think you want. And so you will think oh, they are the source of what I want a need. And then they will hurt you. And they will take all that away.
And then they magically sweep in and comfort you in your pain. And there’s the trauma bond, I will put hurt you and push you away, and then I will pull you towards me. I will be your savior, but I will be the one who caused you the pain. And I will be your rescuer who will take away and cause the pain and comfort you very confusing dynamic. But once you see it so clear, you must see it. So this fear of scarcity of poverty, of lack, important to notice that Hijackals pounce on that.
And the last one – number ten – is the fear of illness and death.
Many people are afraid of being ill. And rightly so being ill is unpleasant at a minimum. Death is inevitable, but many people fear death. How do Hijackals play into that? Well, first of all, I’ve talked about it a lot. If you are with a Hijackal for a long time, particularly as an adult, it starts to change the way that your body works. It you take on all this charge, and you have nowhere to put it. So you’re taking it in but it goes into your body. And one of the things and I’ve talked about that and other episodes.
One of the things that is common with people who are in this type of coerce of abuse, or emotional abuse is that they will develop autoimmune diseases, maybe even cancer, because the body is turned on itself. Because it couldn’t turn to the other person for healthy interactions. So and you couldn’t do anything with the unhealthy interactions. So it turned on itself. And so very important to see.
So all of these pieces, I think the illness and death is quite obvious. So I’m not going to pay a lot of attention and time to that. But I hope that you can see that these root fears these things that you grow from the very base of what you grow from.
These root fears of dangers and control concerns are used by Hijackals to play on and prey on. And a Hijackal wants you to be hyper vigilant so they can play on all your fears. It’s really sad, isn’t it, but it’s also really true. They want you to be afraid, and they want to be the author of your fear. That’s not healthy, but it’s true. And that’s what we need to break apart. That’s what we need to break down. And that’s what we need to just connect because you are in charge of what you choose to believe is dangerous.
What will cause you pain and what will threaten you. And when you see things that cause you pain or will cause you pain, or you are being threatened, I hope you look to the right place. You do not deserve to be in pain caused by another human or be threatened to be in pain or threatened in other ways by another human you just don’t. And if you don’t believe that you deserve better treatment, we need to talk we need to talk really really soon.
So make sure that you go to beaclient.com and begin the journey of realizing and recognizing that you deserve to take up space and draw breath on this earth and to be treated with respect and if you are not Alright, let’s talk about it be a client.com is the Hijackal, who’s doing is the Hijackal, who’s perpetrating it is the Hijackal, who’s playing on it, and it’s the Hijackals is preying on you.
And they are tapping into these root fears, and exacerbating them, making them greater, making them stronger, making them more powerful, making them more extreme. And this is happening to you. And it’s up to you to see it and say no more. And I know that’s unfair, but you deserve so much better.
You deserve to have peace, you deserve to have a healthy interactions, just by virtue of your breathing. Nobody deserves to be hurt. Nobody deserves to be belittled or degraded, or discounted. Nobody deserves to be gaslighted or scapegoated, or living in a relationship that’s fault finding and blame shifting. No, these are aberrations, that’s not healthy. You know, I’ve totally given up the word normal, because I don’t know what it means. And it would be different for every human. But we do know what healthy is. And we need to be in healthy relationships with ourselves and other people.
I know it sounds simple, and it’s just not easy. But it’s worth it, it’s so worth it, then if you recognize that you’re in a relationship with a Hijackal partner, or parent or sibling, or adult child, because that can happen. You know, you can have a child with a Hijackal, who turns into a Hijackal. And you’re trying to have a relationship with them that is somewhat healthy, and it cannot happen.
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