Why Narcissists Insist You’re NOT GOOD ENOUGH…even though they chose you!

Hijackals insist you’re not good enough…even though they chose you or gave birth to you. What’s up with that!@##%%!? It’s crazy-making and it’s important to understand why this happens. And, why it continues throughout the relationship unless you change. It’s not OK.

This episode will help you clearly see through this crazy-making habit of emotional abuse: making you feel not good enough. It serves the Hijackal but it does not serve you. Understand these things so you can make positive changes right away.

When someone needs to put you down in order to feel better about themselves, there’s trouble. That’s what happening with narcissistic Hijackals. Do you say or feel any of these things:

  • “I’m constantly being put down.”
  • “They make me feel not good enough.”
  • “I am exhausted and feel worn down.”
  • “I’m losing my ability to think clearly about myself.”
  • “Am I really a terrible person?”
  • “Am I the problem in this relationship?”

That’s JUST what a Hijackal┬« wants you to be thinking. Let’s change that!!! Listen in.


  • Why this quote is significant: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
  • How making you feel not good enough is key to gaining coercive control
  • Why you may need to change your internal dialogue
  • Why Hijackals and other narcissists like to amplify and magnify the message that you’re not enough

I’m here to help. Let’s talk soon.



Other episodes you may find helpful, when you’re feeling like your partner or parent think you’re not good enough:


Episode Transcript:

Are you in a crazy making relationship feel anxious, angry and unsafe? Welcome to save your sanity, Insight skills, strategies and inspiration for emerging empowered from toxic relationships and breaking the bonds of emotional abuse. Keep listening, we’ll figure a few things out.

Hello, and welcome. I’m Dr. Roberta shader. In this episode, we’re going to be talking about why narcissists insist you’re not good enough. And it’s a complaint that they continuously make. It has no truth in it, there is no validity to it. And yet it helps them have power over you. And that is the entire intent. So it’s very important to listen to this episode to realize how narcissists and other Hijackals Those relentlessly difficult people who scavenge relationships for power, status and control, have the absolute need to take power over someone else. And if you’re in a close relationship with them, particularly if you’re their partner, they will exert that power and control as much as they can.

They will do that by making you feel not good enough.

It has nothing to do with who you are, it has everything to do with who they are. So stay tuned and listen to these very important point. And how you may be stuck with a narcissistic Hijackal, who is constantly telling you, you’re not good enough, and how you can become unstuck.

Have you ever wondered why you cannot feel equal in your relationship, why you can’t be equal, why you can’t be accorded equality? Well, mostly, it’s because I Hijackal a narcissistic person needs to have power over you. And in order to do that, they will not allow equality, they simply will never allow you to feel as good about yourself, as they insist they feel about themselves. It’s not true. But that’s a matter for another time.

So when there cannot be any equality,then you cannot have a healthy relationship. And I’ve spoken about that before. I’ve written about it a lot. So we may refer to that a little later. But they make it so that the person closest to them, particularly the person that they’re in a supposedly romantic relationship with, although some parents will do it to their children as well. They need to make the person feel like they’re less, so they can feel more, they need to make the person feel wrong. So they can feel right and righteous. They need to make the person feel flawed. So they can feel flawless or mistaken. So they can catch them doing things in a way that’s not right. Therefore, they are going to invest a lot of energy in making you feel not good enough.

And it’s a power over strategy. Because it’s their number one go to strategy in order to feel good about themselves, which they don’t, contrary to public opinion. But they need to make you feel less than, and they’re going to persist in that view, no matter what.

Now, this power over will be achieved by any means at any time. And they will be vigilant about it. At any time that they think you may be getting a little too big for your britches or planning a little too much, or spending a little too much, or wanting a little too much, or needing a little too much. They will put you down to make your own.

And the idea is to make you feel less than. I hope they’re not succeeding. But they usually choose people who have an internal fear that they’re not good enough. And then they prey on them. Because Hijackals are predators. And so they’re looking for a little weakness, and then they’ll push and they’ll they’ll turn and they will twist and they will connive and they will manipulate in order to keep pressing on the places where you’re vulnerable. And that makes you shrink. It makes you feel smaller. It makes you feel like receding. It makes you feel like disappearing some time and that’s very sad. But it gives the Hijackal great satisfaction when that happens, and Hijackals will do this, when they’re stressed when they’re not stressed, when they’re afraid, when they’re in public just wanting to show how much power they have, when they need validation, when they are validating themselves, they can they just whip out the finger and pointed at you and say you’re not good enough. And then they demand that you agree with them, and that you comply with that. And I want to really invite you right here right now to say no more to that. Because if you’re agreeing with them, they are always going to have the upper hand, they are always going to be in control of the relationship. And that’s not okay.

You are good enough.

If someone else is deciding to be the judge who tells you that you’re not, that’s not up to them.

And that’s very important to see, it’s extremely important for you to be aware of, because you will feel less than at all times, and then you’ll begin to be afraid that they’re going to find another flaw, they’re going to find another reason to make you less than.

And pretty soon, you’re internalizing all of those messages of being not good enough and being less now. And when you get those messages, you are consenting to be that person who is not good enough. And you know, Eleanor Roosevelt, the wife of, of former President of the United States, she said something very important. And sometimes we say it so quickly, we don’t sink into the meaning of it. But she said, No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

So maybe as a small child, when you didn’t actually have any consent, you started agreeing with the messages that a Hijackal parent told you that you weren’t good enough, or that you didn’t measure up, or you weren’t wanted. You know, my mom used to say to me, too good thing, you’re smart, because you’re fat and ugly. And she would say that at least once or twice a week. Or she would say that thing that many parents say, I brought you into this world, I can take you out, or I wish I’d never had you you interfere with my life. And then you begin to feel like you just are a mistake that like Why Why did you have me? You know? And I remember when I was seven years old.

It was a Sunday. And I went to my mom. And I said, would you come and play with me? I was an only child. So there wasn’t anybody else to turn to? And I said, would you come and play with me? And she said, No, I’m busy.nThen I wasn’t your average seven year old child, I guess. But I remember saying to her, I don’t know why you had a child. You’re always too tired, you’re too busy.

Now, not every child is gonna speak up like that. But to feel like you’re not worth your parents time that can make you feel not good enough. And then if you had that experience, you could move on to somebody who makes you feel the same way. And why would you do that? Even though you don’t want to, you would do it because it feels familiar. And the feeling might win out.

So it’s really important to handle these issues. It really is. And if these things are sounding, like something that you need to work on, do that, you know, listen to more of my podcast or watch the YouTube videos, they’re there for you. There’s over 700 of them. Now, if you want to talk to me personally, you can go to be a b But do something take steps, read, listen, do some of my courses. And really get into it. Because you deserve from this moment forward, to be doing things differently. And if you wonder if you’ve ever been emotionally abused, and you’re looking to identify and recognize what emotional abuse really is, go to relationship Relationship and take the course is that emotional abuse so you can really understand if you’ve been emotionally abused, if you are being emotionally abused, because being told you’re not good enough.

So emotional abuse, that is not okay on any level. You know, if you had a friend who said, you know, my partner tells me all the time that I’m not good enough, you wouldn’t say to them, yeah, your partner’s right? You would say that’s not true, you’re my friend, be a friend to yourself, it is not true that you are not good enough.

And if you believe you’re not good enough, do some work and find out if it is true at any level that you have accepted that and work it through. So important, because the Hijackal will just keep drumming on it, they will keep drumming it into your head, and you will internalize it, and you won’t step up, you won’t speak up.

And then it just gets worse. Because they get more power over you.

And then you feel more confined, more repressed, more depressed, more conference, none of those things are good.

So when someone who tells you you’re not good enough, is demonstrating that know that that person is also telling you that you are not loved by them? Because if you love a person, you don’t tell them they’re not good enough? How could you possibly be okay, they chose you.

They chose you.

So is there something wrong with their ability to choose? If they choose someone they don’t think is good enough?

It’s a conundrum, isn’t it? No, don’t be bringing that up to Hijackal that will never work. You know, I tell people all the time, don’t poke Hijackal. Just don’t do it.

But think about it. You know, for someone to tell you, you’re not good enough. And yet they chose you that does really call into question. Their reasons for choosing you. Don’t they think they deserve someone who’s good enough. It’s all very, very odd. So when someone tells you that they don’t love you, the parent who tells you you’re not good enough, does not love you, those two things cannot stand together. So disabuse yourself of the notion that that person loves you. They don’t, they can’t, because you’re not good enough, they tell you. So therefore they can’t love you.

Or if they say I love you, if you changed, then they don’t love you.

It’s all very, very devious. It’s very manipulative. It’s very conflicting. So when someone tells you that you’re not good enough, examine the site. Okay, where did that come from? How do I relate to it? Why am I taking it in?

And then move from there to say, Do I believe it?

Well, there’s this and that, that I can see they have a point, but to I believe it?

Maybe, maybe not. But examine it, and then reflect? Where did I get this start? Where did I get this feeling? Have I had it all my life? Did it come with this relationship? Hmm, what’s going on here, and the recognize what’s going on. And that decide if you’d like to change that feeling that you’re not good enough, or you want to accept it, I hope you won’t accept it. I definitely hope you won’t accept it. And then you can move on to validating yourself. But don’t take it on and repeat it to yourself.

That’s the problem with it. When someone judges you criticizes you blames you shames you. Sometimes it can become part of your internal dialogue with yourself. You start saying those things to yourself to and now it’s being enforced and reinforced and reinforced? Because it has become part of the way you think about yourself.

You know, if you catch yourself saying, Oh, I’m such a mess, stop at that moment. Say, where did I get that idea? Who am I parroting? Who told me that who said that to me? And why have I now accepted it into my inner dialogue? Why am I now saying it to myself? I didn’t like it when it was delivered to me. And now I’ve it’s become part of my inner conversation.

That’s a big thing, isn’t it? A really important big thing. So watch for it. Don’t take these things on and repeat them to yourself. Because then you will begin to deepen and deepen that belief about yourself. And you won’t ask for better and better treatment. You won’t set boundaries you would express boundaries.

If you won’t maintain boundaries, and you will never have those three must haves have a healthy adult relationship that I talked about in episode 115, equality, reciprocity and mutuality, you won’t have them. Because you have decided to adopt what someone told you is that you’re not good enough. And that is a terrible feeling. It is an awful feeling. And it’s an awful person who would ever tell you that you’re not good enough. Those people don’t love you do you get that? It is really important. If someone ever tells you that you’re not good enough, know that it’s a big red flag that they do not love you.

And that’s hard to take in sometimes.

But if you now just even listening to this episode, say, I am repeating that to myself. I am taking it in as though I believe it. Now is the time to examine that and change it. Change it. Ask yourself, where did I first accept that? Where did I get that from? Who is the first person to tell me that? And did I like that person? Did I? Do I admire that person? Do I believe that that person has a qualities, qualities that I like qualities that I admire.

Because many times we have taken bad information about ourselves from other people from people we actually don’t like.

And yet still, we’ve taken it in. So it’s important to ask yourself, Well, where did I first accept that? And do I have an act of inner critic that has now taken that on and started beating myself up with it internally, not only is it coming at me from other people, or another person, but now it’s it’s started to drum inside me. And I’m the one who’s playing that drum. And your inner critic, by the way, is not always right. In fact, it’s often very wrong. And then who taught the inner critic? What to criticize?

We’re back to where did you accept it from? And how did you internalize it. And that is not happy making that is not going to be a good way to live. And there is not going to be any way to have a healthy relationship with yourself or with someone else. It just won’t be the Hijackal. We’ll jump on over that you’re not good enough. And you accepting that. And they’ll magnify it. And they’ll amplify it and they’ll find every way to send a to reinforce that message. You a little jibes here little blindsiding, they’re big chunks of gaslighting over and over and over until you’re just so worn down and torn down and put down, that you’re exhausted.

And that’s when you need to find help to find those root causes of it. Because remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said, No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. withdraw your consent. No, you will not make me feel inferior. I will know myself so thoroughly. I know there are things that I have a strengths. I know there are things I have as weaknesses. I know there are things I’m working on. I know there are things I want to change. But I am not. Not good enough. Remember that say that to yourself. I am good enough. I am and you don’t want to give anybody else that power to make that decision. And you don’t want to be around people who have an absolute need to tell you, you’re not good enough. So you’re meeting their need for power and construct control.

By allowing them to tell you you’re not good enough and to call leaves, or to even take it in. And that’s how coercive control starts.

Every way they take every way to make you wrong to make you small, to make you dispensable to make you invisible, to make you insignificant, to squash you down, to compress you to depress you to repress you, and then sometimes you join in and you start doing that too.

And they will take away your worth. Because they’re so afraid that you have worth that they are working overtime to take it away. Don’t let them take it away.

You are worthy.

And you are good enough.

Sure we all have things we can change. We all have things we can improve. But that doesn’t make us not good enough. It really doesn’t.

So it’s important for us to realize that we need to take up space and draw breath. And that’s our right, and then stand up in our bag. And our backs, well, there was some would suggest, we’re not good enough, don’t believe. No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent. Don’t agree with them, that you’re not good enough. If you had parents, like I had the tool you’re not good enough, then it’s easier to believe when a romantic partner comes by, or a boss tells you that or a friend tells you that or a sibling tells you that it’s all you’ve known, so you will believe it. But you know what, even if it’s all you’ve no one you can change it. You can decide that no, that’s not true. I am worthy, I am acceptable. I am, you know, and you are, you really, really are. And it’s important to see it, because even the internal messages that you have internalized can be changed.

No, it’s not quick. It’s not particularly easy. But it can be done. Anything worth doing is worth doing, even if it’s hard, right? Because it’s worth it to you. And I hope you’re worth it to you. If you’ve been torn down and worn down, you may be exhausted. And in from that exhausted state, maybe you can raise a finger and say, No, I don’t believe I don’t believe, then maybe you can raise a whole hand, and then maybe a whole arm. And slowly you’ll come back up and say, I do not believe I believe I’m worthy. I believe that I am enough. And I know that I deserve to be treated well. Because the Hijackals hold point, narcissists and any other Hijackal trait that may be evident, their whole point is to put you down to get you to second guess your worth. second guess yourself and begin to believe the Hijackal.

That’s what they want. They want you to believe that they are right about you.

And they’re not.

Because they don’t even really know you. Yeah, they know all the things about you that they can weaponize and make you feel small. But they don’t know you. They don’t want to know. They don’t want to know your aspirations and your dreams, and your values and your vision. They just want to have power over you. So they can feel better about themselves. So a Hijackal is not using truth. They’re just using power. And when you can separate those things out that what they’re saying about you is not true. Not true. They are doing it in order to have power over you. You could say not anymore, that is not going to work. And take back your personal power.

You know, I’m my Facebook page, my own personal Facebook page, I wrote this definition. And it says every moment, we have the opportunity of choosing our thoughts, words, actions, relationships, and points of view. That is personal power.

Once again, every moment, we have the opportunity of choosing our thoughts, words, actions, relationships and points of view. That’s personal power. And you can have it, you can reclaim it. You can rebuild your life after you reclaim it. You can make new decisions. You can express your boundaries. You can say, I don’t want to be with this person anymore. I will not put up with that behavior anymore. People will not speak to me like that anymore. Because I am worth it. I am good enough. I am good enough for me. I am good enough for the world. And I’m good enough to take on the world. And you are and you can and it’s important that you see that power and you do it because a Hijackal may need you to believe and act as though you’re not good enough. But know believe and act knowing you are enough. And you deserve honesty, safety, trust, respect and reliability. And you deserve equality, reciprocity and mutuality. And nothing less is okay.

Nothing less is okay. You want to shoot for those things? Those are the five relational gifts in my book Carson for couples, honesty, safety, trust, respect and reliability. That’s the way we demonstrate that we are offering equality, reciprocity and mutuality.

And those are the things that are in a healthy relationship. As they say, you know, you can go to relationship, that’s my website, one of them. And you can you can read the eBook there. What Healthy Love is, and how to know if you have it. Or you can take a course to really understand is what I’m experiencing emotional abuse and go deep, deep, deep into understanding that all in the comfort of your own home, just go to relationship All of that is there so that you can say, I have been told perhaps, I have been told that I don’t deserve more than I’m getting. I have been told that I’m not good enough. I have been told that I am not deserving.

Change that. Change that within yourself first. Don’t argue with the Hijackal. Don’t poke the Hijackal. That doesn’t help. But what you can do is when a Hijackal says something disparaging about you, or push you down, you can affirm, you know, I know that I have value. I know that I am a good person. You can say those things out loud, just say them in a neutral tone. Don’t be argumentative, but be validating yourself.

I know that I deserve to be treated well.

I know that I deserve to be believed when I speak about my feelings. Those are all things that you can affirm that you can remind yourself, nobody’s going to take that away from me. Absolutely not. And Hijackal If you try, it says solid No.

No, you may have to work after you may not be quite, they’re quite so bold and ready to roll. But you can work up to that. Now, as I said, if you want to work with me, you can do that be Just go there. But if you’d like a group experience, come on over to my emerging empowered community. And you can That’s where you join the community join in great conversations and three opportunities a month to be part of a group call where you can ask me anything, go to

So if you’ve ever had this feeling of not being good enough, or somebody endeavoring to make you feel that way, I hope that this episode has given you permission and ideas to say, that’s not true. I don’t actually believe that. And I am no longer going to accept that. I am going to work within myself to realize that no, nobody else gets to define me. Nobody gets to say whether I’m worthy. Nobody gets to say whether I’m worth it, and nobody but needless to say, if I’m good enough.

That’s power. That’s your personal power. When you take that opportunity to choose your thoughts and words and actions and beliefs, and relationship and points of view. You are really beginning to step into your personal power. And I hope you will, I really hope you will. And that you will demonstrate great self care because self care demonstrates that you matter to you.

And I hope you will do that until we speak again. Take great care of yourself. And we’ll talk soon.

Thank you for joining me on this save your sanity podcast today. I hope you’ve had some insights, ideas and strategies to help you gain clarity and confidence for moving forward toward greater emotional health and safety. You deserve that and so do your children.

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