Tips for Divorcing a Hijackal® When Children are Involved – Dr. Rhoberta Shaler

When you considering divorcing a toxic person, or when you ARE divorcing a #Hijackal, and you have children, there are many considerations that might be more important than in other divorces.

#Hijackals MUST win. They don’t really want the children as much as they want to have control over whether or not YOU have them. And, of course, they want control over the children, too. People–you and the children, in particular–are what we call “supply” to Hijackals. You supply the Hijackal – or narcissistic person – with validation, attention, interest, and all other things each one needs to feel large and in charge.

Whether you say you’re leaving, or a Hijackal is discarding you, that #Hijackal still want to control the situation in every way possible.

When you have children, there are very specific things that are different and MUST be considered.

Aside from the co-parenting, there are other details it’s important to stay mindful and aware of when divorcing a Hijackal.

Protecting your children’s emotional and mental health needs to be top of the list in this process.

Machine Transcript: (apologies for typos)

No, no matter how you sync about it to voice is just different. When a Hijackal is involved, I know it might not seem that way because you have friends who are having an acrimonious divorce where they just don’t like each other, but that’s on steroids when you’re with the hijack all and leaving a Hijackal. And why is this? Well, hi Jekyll’s have to win. You know that we talked about that so many times. So if you’re the one who wants the divorce or they’re the one that wants to divorce, makes absolutely no difference. They still want to win. In fact, they need to win. They must win. They can’t imagine life without winning in every situation. So a divorce. Okay. The children are one of the assets to be divided and a Hijackal wants as much as possible usually. Is it because they adore their children and can’t imagine being separated from them?

Not so much. It’s more like I don’t want you to have them. I want them just because I don’t want you to help them because I need to win. So there’s a new family order when most people divorce, either they’re divided everything or they’re collaborating. So there’s unhappy, I don’t want to talk to you anymore. And then there is where collaborating and everything is going well. And I often work with families who are experiencing divorce and it goes from when they’re deciding to stay or deciding to go or a long gone. Um, there’s a lot to think through. And then that’s of course why they come to me because they want to talk about it. But when there’s a persistence of anger and blame and injustice and inequity and even revenge, the family remains divided and highchair calls her excellent at all those things. Anger, blame and justice, inequity, revenge there.

They’re really super at it and they like to perpetuate it. And you know, some co-parents don’t seem to able or willing to refrain from mudslinging or offhanded comments and living in the past. You can be absolutely sure a hijack hall will not. They are not going to back away from that. Now there are some times when the Hijackal goes with the new supply. That new person that they’ve gone off with who now thinks they’re wonderful and God bless that person, they’re going to find out that the Hijackal is not wonderful. But in the beginning it’s all heaven and honeymoon. So you know that they are going to the maybe paying a whole lot of attention to that other person. They don’t seem to even be particularly interested in the children. So the divorce goes quite straightforwardly. They just want everything they want it over with and they move on and you don’t see them.

But if there are children involved, there may be a time when they don’t see the children and at that time that’s a good time for you to be going to court and make sure you document absolutely everything because when they’re not seeing the children, they’re demonstrating that it, they don’t care that much. So always remember if you haven’t got a divorce yet, always have excellent documentation of every time that they made an arrangement, they changed the arrangement, they ask to change the arrangement. They came late, they came, they, they kept the child over time, everything that they have done. Make sure that you document because when you get a divorce from a Hijackal for a little while, as they said, they have their new supply and everything is about the new supply. So the children are not that important. You are definitely not important, but of course they will text you about how wonderful the new supplies, but you have to recognize that the children are going to have a relationship with the other half of their DNA, the Hijackal and is appropriate.

You know, unless there’s physical or sexual abuse, it’s appropriate, but you want to make sure that you’re taking care of your children really well. And when there is this blame and anger and injustice and all that’s going on, some parents don’t seem to be able to to get the other to stop. You know, one person might be absolutely willing to stop and the other one isn’t. I’m in, I’m not suggesting for a moment that divorces easy for anyone. It usually isn’t. It represents that your dreams are shattered, your future’s altered, your trust is broken and it’s difficult, painful and complicated. But when the dust settles, this situation can be assessed and that’s the time that you have to make good decisions in the best interest of the children. So how do you do this? It may, did you divorce divide your family? AR? Did they take sides? One of the things Hijackals do extremely well is to go and charm your family into thinking that they’re wonderful and they’re probably something wrong with you. You know, i’ve had clients whose hijab call partner has gone and told their their family that they really are concerned about you because they think you may be having problems or you may be a little off or you know, maybe you’re crazy. Anything to get your family on their side so you get a divorce. What happened there?

Different things happen in different Hijackals situations. It all depends. If the Hijackal came from a hijackal family, then they’re going to want to press and be against you. If the hijack came from a family who’s shaking their head and saying, I don’t know where this person came from, then they may very well understand what happened to you and still want to see the children. It’s very difficult. I know really difficult and I talked to so many people who are, who are fighting and fighting and fighting in court and being taken back for ex parte after ex parte. Even after the divorce is settled, they’re still going to court because the Hijackal has to win. So the hydrogel wakes up one morning and makes up something about you and then you’re back in court in an instant and it just seems endless. I know that, but if your family divided for good reason and one of you has the willingness, I’m stumbling over my words here.

One parent has the willingness to provide a stable environment for the children. Then that parent has so much to offer. The Hijackal will demonstrate that they have so much to offer that they are the better parent. Even if all evidence to the contrary would be found. If you ever went to the Hijackal’s house, they have nothing. They are not prepared for the child, but just let a child protective services person or a court person pay a home visit and all of a sudden it is paradise, a child’s paradise. I’ve  seen them even go to the lengths of having they child protective services or the attorney’s person go to a different home and pretend it’s theirs. I don’t know how they get away with that, but they do. So when divorce is a problem,

You can make it multiple problems. If you’re a Hijackal now, sometimes the Hijackal leaves you and they think they’re really punishing you by leaving you, and you may be caught in that place where you really love them and you feel like they’re punishing you. Please give your head a shake. They’re not punishing you, they’re releasing you and you get as far away as you can with as much as you can at that moment. And I know that sounds harsh, but they’re going to come back when they, when they supply is not working for them. They’re going to be back and they’re going to want a fight for it. So take your moment, jump in there and see what you can get. If your children are used as pawns in an unending game, then you’re going to have no end of difficulty. And you have to put a stop to that.

Now remember that when you go to court, you want to be the most factual person on the planet. That’s why you need all the documentation. So be very, very clear with your documentation, dates and times and exactly what happened. No emotional language. Simply the facts, ma’am. And as you prepare for this divorce or as you go through this divorce or even after the divorce is final, continue to keep the documentation because you never know when an hi Jekyll is going to make an allegation against you that has absolutely no foundation. So I have two segments and a wonderful conversation with Karen coffee. She’s an attorney and a mediator and a divorce coach. You’re going to want to listen to that because our two segments are on co-parenting agreements and co-parenting in general and visit for relationship. Help for anything further that you might want to know about living with loving or leaving a hijack. All talk soon.

I’m so glad you spent this time with me today. I hope you heard something that touched your heart and empowered you to move forward. You can have the life and relationships that you most want and that begins with you within you today. I’m always here for you. Life can get better. And you heard that from me. The relationship help doctor. I’m a British shader and I work with clients throughout the world through video conferencing. We can talk, so learn or visit me on youtube at for relationship help. Join me for next week’s show.


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