The Scam, Sham & Spam of Pseudomutuality

How & Why Hijackals® Create a Lie of Loyalty

You know how some people and families both “put on a front” and are “a closed shop?” You can sense that something is off but the story they tell sounds good. They may be SO good at the story that you can’t help but believe it. Why would you question it? And then, you marry into it and the legs fall off!



  • What is Pseudomutuality
  • How pseudomutuality compares with healthy mutuality ( Kaizen for Couples )
  • The scam and sham of creating an agreed upon “family story” to look good to others
  • The double bind of living within pseudomutuality
  • Why it is crazy-making and will cause you to question your sanity
  • Why the “appearance” of bonding in healthy ways is not necessarily what is true

Mutuality is one of the three MUST-HAVES I talk about in order to have a healthy adult relationship. In my book, Kaizen for Couples, I described it this way:

“Mutuality is for emotional grown-ups. It is based on an interest in each other as whole, complex people living in the present. When dependence or do-dependence are consistently present in a relationship, mutuality cannot be. Mutuality, then, is a defining condition for a healthy mature relationship.

…When there are imbalances in mutuality between partners in a primary relationship, they can lead to significant psychological pain. This pain is elusive and hard to pin down or describe. It feels like a loss without a number: something’s missing but what is it?

…Mutuality demands much more from you both. It requires your active interest in each other as different, complex and fascinating individuals.

…What is important in mutuality is that you magnify your attunement and responsiveness to each other.”

Now imagine that you honesty believe that mutuality exists in the person you are creating a long-term relationship with, or exists in the family in which you are joining, and then, you find it doesn’t. A false story was presented to look good to you, but it has no substance. In fact, the opposite is true. That’s what happens when Pseudomutuality is presented.

Now you know why it is important to learn more and listen in.

Do you see more clearly now that the partner or family you have been experiencing this through is troubled?  I’m here to help.

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