Housebound with a #Hijackal? We all need to be self-isolating right now. It’s the best thing for everyone – but self-isolating with a narcissist? That might feel tougher than getting through the virus itself.
Did the first moment you realized that you might be quarantined with a Hijackal parent or partner send shivers through you?
This is NOT THE TIME to try to work things out or point things out. Difficult though it may be, when you are 24/7 with a #Hijackal, that the time to be the coolest you have ever been!
Nothing you say will change them. Save your breath. Take them to heart right now, especially when housebound with them!
HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:
- Fears about being housebound with a toxic person
- Know what to do to maximize peace
- Know what to do to minimize rage
- Why expectations need to be low
- Why to stay in “Observe” mode to save your sanity
- 10 basic things that #Hijackals do that you cannot change no matter what you say
- What to do while you wait it out. SO IMPORTANT!
Difficult, toxic people freak easily. What do they do when they freak? They demand more power and control.
OK, tell them they MUST stay home, and they are going to do two main things: refuse to stay home because “No one is gonna tell me what to do!” or stay home and be miserable, self-centered, and annoying, at a minimum. You know that.
Today, I’m giving you these ten truths clearly so that you will not expect the Hijackal in your life to be different. You won’t expect them to change. You’ll save yourself the time, effort, anxiety, and stress of hoping they will change.
Home 24/7 with a Hijackal? You’ll get all the exercise you need walking on eggshells. These ten truths will help you see how to avoid blowing the roof off…or, at least, do you best to keep things to a dull roar.
Big hugs!
One of your best tools is to go for walks – alone. Or meet up with friends – STAYING 6′ APART OF COURSE – somewhere out in the open. Social distancing and self-isolation are our best defense against spreading the COVID-19 virus.
When you’re at home with a narcissist, this will feel hard – but if your Hijackal is convinced that they are impervious to the virus, and coated in teflon so they won’t pass it around – you need to protect yourself above all else. Find ways to seclude yourself within the house. Wash your hands. A LOT. Don’t let them breathe on you. Require them to wash their hands when they come home from being out. Create some strong boundaries using this virus as the catalyst. Now is great time to establish some new lines in the sand.
TRANSCRIPT
Okay, it’s happened. The thing you didn’t want to you did not want to stay 24 seven in the house with the hijacker a toxic person, a relentlessly difficult person and now here we are in self isolation or quarantine or lockdown or whatever is happening. I’m going to give you today 10 basic truths you need to accept because you can’t change them about Hijackals. It will save you from getting into unnecessary and difficult places. Stay tuned.
Welcome to save your sanity podcast. I’m Dr. Rhoberta Shaler are you living with a chaos, confusion and uncertainty that a toxic person loves to create? is a partner parent x sibling, child or coworker, causing you to second guess your Pack can be crazy making. I’m here to help you save your sanity. So let’s get down to it and figure some things out now. Stay tuned.
Hello, I’m glad you’re here as usual. Today, you may be just on the verge of dancing on your last nerve or tearing your hair out or thinking about it. And maybe even the idea of more time housebound with a high jackal is just crazy making an unthinkable to you, but it’s going to happen.
So I wanted to talk about 10 basic truths about living with Hijackals that you really have to accept as the truth because you can’t change them. And this would be a really good time to recognize that they are the truth and that you can’t change them. And that the more that you rail against them, getting angry at them, the more you break, it, the more you pointed out, the worse it gets, the more likely you’re going to have periods of reagents silent treatment. And that is not worthwhile, especially if there are children in the house. And if you want to truly save your sanity, so there’s 10 things that are important.
And in the next episode, I will be talking again about other aspects of being housebound with a high jackal.
So number one thing to accept about Hijackals is that if there’s any stress or tension, they are a big, big, big babies. Right? You know that they are babies. You barely touch them and they go off like a roman candle. Everything is blown out of proportion. And they need to be taken care of. And they want that and they want to demand that. So the first thing is keep in mind that basically they’re big babies and if anything happens in emotional terms that they can’t deal with, they will return to somewhere between the age of three and seven and have a tantrum. And they will behave badly. You can’t change this. So what you can do is not push that button.
Okay, so number one, know and remember that when you look at them, they are a big baby. No matter how they’re looking at the moment, behind that face is a big baby.
Number two Hijackals do use extremes and superlatives. They are the best at everything. It is the worst of times. It always happens that way. You never do anything. Always extremes and superlatives is the greatest it’s the best is the worst is the most awful. It’s the you are 100% the love of their life. 20 seconds later when you don’t do what they want you to do. You are the scum of the earth and nobody wants you. They work in extremes, they will speak in extremes. And there are no middle grounds. There are no gray areas. You know, I’ve talked about this a lot. One of the hallmarks of Hijackals is what we call all or nothing black and white thinking. So they don’t have a middle ground. They don’t have, I hate to say shades of gray, it is black or it is white. It is all or it is nothing. So know that about them. Don’t expect them to be different than that. That’s how they see the world. That’s how they think. And that’s how they engage. Okay, so they’re big babies, they use extremes and superlatives.
Number three is they must dominate. They must be on top of the pile, they must be winning. They must be right. They must have control of the situation, you the narrative, whatever it is, so they must dominate and they like to take up a lot of airtime. And when they take up a lot of airtime in a conversation, it’s all about me calm, right. You know that. So if you use any of your precious energy to be sitting there rolling your eyes and thinking they should be different, don’t take a breath and go oh, yeah, hi jackal. Oh, yes, that’s one of the 10 basic truths that I have to accept. That’s how they are. And it’s crazy making to expect them to be different, right? So I’m all about helping you save your sanity. So don’t expect them to be different. Big babies extremes and superlatives and they must dominate they must win.
Number four, they will minimize you, they will dismiss discount you, they will make you smaller, they will make you less than they will tell you that what you want doesn’t matter what you think doesn’t matter what you feel doesn’t matter because they matter and you don’t matter. So they’re going to minimize you. They’re going to make it so you are pushed against the edge and they are going to take up the majority of the space. And if you’re having difficulty, it’s not going to be nearly as bad as what they’re going through. And they’re going to put you down and devalue you for having needs. This is a basic truth. There may be no other time, then when you are 24 seven forced to be with these people that you will be able to truly see and comprehend that these are basic, unchangeable truths and this could really help you when we get out of this situation because Because then you will see no, that’s how they really are. And that will help you think your way through your next best steps. So big babies extremes and superlatives, they have to dominate and they’re going to minimize you.
Number five is going to be them first. They need to use what’s in the house, they need to take what is for the children, they need to have what it is they want, and you don’t need it and get along without it. They are going to have to be first in the bathroom first everywhere and taking care of themselves what their needs are. Their need to take up the sofa, their need to have what they want on the television, their need, their need their need, it will just continue that way. Now you know that that is one of the basic tenets of when we think of narcissistic behavior. It is going to be them First all about them calm, but watch it in their behavior at home. Now that you see it 24 seven, you know, they don’t have to do anything. They don’t have to pick up after themselves. They don’t have to do these things. They shouldn’t have to do these things. That’s what they have you for. They don’t need to be concerned about what’s going on in the world. They don’t have to take care. In fact, they not may not even self isolate. They may think that they are somehow superhuman and able to not collect any kind of problem during this isolation self isolation lockdown shutdown situation. They may just simply not believe it because they are bigger than the virus. Okay, big babies extremes and superlatives. They must dominate they’ll minimize you and they must, must, must be first.
Now number six poking a high jackal is never a good idea at the best of times, right? I talk about that all the time. Don’t poke them. Don’t make them angry, don’t push their buttons don’t trigger them. Because you don’t want to deal with a fallout. And you know, there will be Fallout. So this is a very important time to just be an observation mode. You know, you’re watching the lion in the cage, you’re not getting in the cage with them. So keep that, that distance, just watch. Oh, there they are another basic truth about them. And when you poke at them, when you tell them, well, I can’t do everything around here. You know, they’re going to react badly to that. If you ask them to do something, they’re going to procrastinate because all Hijackals have a tendency to be passive aggressive, and it goes with the territory of passive aggressiveness that they are going to procrastinate, and then if you stay on their case very long after they’re procrastinating, then it becomes that you’re a nag or you’re a terrible person and they still haven’t done what they’ve said they would do. And between you and me in the gatepost they never intended to do that anyway, they were just trying to appease you in the moment they saying yes, and hope that you wouldn’t ask again or notice that they didn’t do it. So don’t be surprised.
But if you poke a hijacker, it leads to two things, it will lead you to them turning into a rageaholic and being angry and everything will be your fault and there will be a screaming match, or they will go into the silent treatment, and they will shut themselves down and then they will try to ingratiate themselves to the children and alienated from you. And that’s not a good idea. And if you don’t have children, then they’re going to pull a pouting fit. They’re going to go and not talk to you because you’re not nice to them. What not nice to them means is you won’t give them what they want when they want it and preferably before they even ask for it. And that’s the way they roll. And that’s why I’m calling these the basic truths. You know, in my program, seeing the cycles, there are 13 videos on the 10 hallmarks of Hijackals. This is another list because these are the ways they behave, especially if they get into attention, anxiety filled room that they don’t want to be in 24.
Seven. They don’t like anybody telling them that they have to stay home. They don’t like anyone telling them they can’t go to work. I mean, the rest of us don’t like it either. But we understand why. But a hijack call. Who do you think you are to tell me that I can’t do something? No, no, that that gets really big in their minds right away that someone else is trying to have control over them and they’re not having it. You know how they hate That. So number six is poking them is going to be the worst strategy. Now. This is not the time to try and solve problems, this is not the time to talk things through. This is not the time to do anything except Keep your distance. Stay calm, stay as neutral as possible. observe these 10 basic truths so that you really see that it’s true that they really do behave these ways. store that in your memory so you can use it later when you’re making decisions. So don’t poke the hijack call. You don’t want them to go into rage, and you don’t want them to go into the silent treatment. Although if we had to choose one or the other, oh, yes, please go silent. That could be the best thing that ever happens. And if they do go silent, don’t try and talk them out of it. Enjoy the silence. You know people ask me all the time in my Facebook groups. What do I do when they’re they’re giving me the silent treatment? I’d say treated as a blessing and enjoy it. Don’t do anything. Just go about with your life, do it your way, they’re not going to talk to you. So that’s, that’s fine. That can be a really wonderful experience. So number seven on the 10 basic truth, you can’t change and must accept about Hijackals expect limited to no help. They are going to be in anxiety and they are going to need to rest or they are going to have to do their own thing or they need downtime. How do you expect me Who do you think you are to expect me to do anything? It’s not my job. I should be at work right now. And just expect that to happen. That if you start expecting them to help or expecting to get things done, expecting them to take this wonderful opportunity that you usually don’t have at the time you usually don’t have in order to achieve that. things, they will get their backup and they will say no to you and it will be a fight. And that is no good. You do not want to go in that direction. You’re the Hijackals needs everything they need all the time, the energy, the television, the food, the alcohol. They don’t want to be asked to do anything. And so they’re not going to respond well to it. And I know it’s not fair. It’s not fair at all. Nobody said that anything about being with a hijacker would be fair, right. We’ve all heard that life is not fair. But being with a high jackal, nothing is fair. And we have to understand that so if you are housebound with a high jackal right now, don’t expect help. Don’t go into resentment because you’re not getting it. Just pretend that there’s only you to do things and if you ask and there is a no or there is nothing happening. Don’t expect differently. I’m not suggesting that you don’t ask. I’m just suggesting that you don’t expect the answer to be as, or their behavior to be forthcoming. It’s not going to be.
So then number eight. This is for people with children.
Remember this Hijackals are involved with their children, when their children make them look good, or when being with the children can isolate them, and have the children alter themselves so that you don’t have them and it’s alienating. But what’s important about number eight is the children will annoy the Hijackals the very presence of the children will annoy them because they can’t get any validation from the children. Yes, they like it when the children are behaving well. And they tell them that they love them, the children tell tell the parent that they love them. Now, remember There’s an equal number of male or female Hijackals. So it’s not about mommy or daddy, it could be either. And yes, they like it when the child likes them, but they don’t like it when the child is difficult. They don’t like the children when the children won’t do exactly what they want or stay silent when they want them to. So is this a basic truth? The high jackal will be annoyed by the children’s very breathing unless they’re being validated by the children and you can’t make that happen. It can only happen if the high jackal does lovely things for the children and the children are happy and they give the hijack call love and praise and attention. But don’t expect the hijack call to think that oh, this is wonderful, good quality time with my children. That is unlikely no just talking about Hijackals here but Hijackals are not likely to be thinking that this is a wonderful time to spend with my family. How lucky could I be? They want to be out, because you’ve heard me say so many times that Hijackals paint a public picture of perfection. While at home, they’re creating a private place of pain. So if you tell them, they got to stay home all the time, the pain levels going to go up in all likelihood. Now, I’m just telling you all these things, so you have a realistic expectation. I know sounds awful, can be awful, might be awful, maybe even will be awful. But I’m telling you these things so that you won’t think that you’ve done anything terrible. This is how they’re likely to behave. So they’re big babies extremes and superlatives. They have to dominate everything. They’re going to minimize you. Everything is going to be them first. Don’t poke them because they’ll go to rages silent treatment. Don’t expect them to happen. Much may be limited, they may not give you any help, and the children will annoy them.
Number nine, do not, do not, do not I know you’re going to have scars on your tongue, but do not Do not Do not comment on their parenting. Do not that will only turn up that tension. Probably turn up the volume. Oh, so many things could happen if you comment on their parenting. Instead when they do something that is poor parenting that is hard on the children or is wrong or alienating or shaming or blaming to the children. Invite the children to do something with you. Tell them Oh, well, this would be a good time for us to do something, distract them, get them away. Do not comment on the Hijackals parenting or lack of parenting skills. It will not help it will only hinder and it could be blow things up. You know how little they like being told that they’re not parenting? Well, if at any point none of us do. So if you’re in isolation with them and you are in this little cause and that is just your own your family, you’re stuck in the house, you’re stuck on the property. I mean, hopefully, you’re stuck in a place that has a little bit of property so you can go outdoors, at least that that could help or you have a balcony or something. But don’t don’t don’t comment on their parenting.
Now, the last one, I’ve alluded to it during these nine but this one is so so so important. Do yourself a huge favor, stay neutral don’t give anything the wow factor don’t get in everything. They ain’t it awful. They definitely wrong factor. Just stay neutral. Hmm. Oh, this is happening now. Oh, lie that just happened. Oh, that’s just the way it was. There it is the 10 basic truths I can’t change happened again. Observe, observe, observe, but stay neutral. It’s how you’re going to save your sanity. You’re just going back up in your head and just observe what’s happening. And then bring your best to the table. be your best self. And if that requires you to be your best silent self, be that if that requires you to distract yourself by putting on headphones and listening to beautiful music that calms you do that. If it means that, that Hijackals wants control of the television at every moment, then be disinterested in something to watch on television. Get out your iPad and watch what you want. Just stay neutral, do the best you can to stay neutral. It’s good practice for when you are Night 24, seven and housebound with a hijack call. It is good practice at all times to stay neutral. Because then you can calibrate then you can see then your nerve endings are not involved, then you are not in fight or flight, then you’re not living in chronic stress and anxiety. If you just stay neutral and observe, then that is your best shot at staying calm. This will end we will not be in isolation forever. And this is a good time to just observe. Just observe as though you’re looking at some kind of animal or some kind of, I don’t know, microcosm micro organism and just observe how it behaves. Just take note of it, and then you behave from a neutral place. Without high expectations of things being good or bad. Just Serve. So in all things be your best self. Your so often people say to me, Well, should I interact with this person because they bring out the worst to me. No. allow that to be so solid in you that you just be the person that you want to be the person living from the values that you say that you have. And don’t let them pull you off that and I know, I’m talking pie in the sky here. I know that I know. It’s hard. I am not suggesting it is easy for one minute, nor is it simple. I’m just saying to save your sanity. Have no high expectations that things are going to be good. Don’t get into the end and awful things are going to be bad. Just go Oh, this is the way things are. and observe it and just observe it and say Is this alright with me? No, it isn’t. All right. Let me let me notice. Oh there. That’s not all right with me either. No, again, that’s not all right with me, so that when you get through this housebound with a high jackal period, you will know clearly what it is that you can deal with you’re willing to deal with and you’re not willing to deal with and then you can deal with it later. Remember, I always say, you don’t leave a high jackal unless there is physical or sexual abuse in which case you go to the police and you go to the hospital. And if there isn’t, then you need to be practicing and preparing. And right now, if you’re 24, seven with a high jackal housebound, you are practicing, you’re practicing being your best self you’re practicing being your neutral so you’re practicing being your observant self and that’s the best you can do.
So I hope this will help you.
You know I’m always available to you if you need to talk to me new clients get that great offer $97 for a full hour go to be a client calm, be a client calm. If you need insights, go to transforming relationship calm Everything is there you’ll find my podcast episodes there you’ll find my youtube channel there you’ll find my blogs you’ll find writing you’ll find all kinds of things. Lights there for you transforming relationship calm. If you enjoy getting my podcasts, I really invite you to make a donation go to patreon.com pa t ar e o n comm slash save your sanity. And you can make a donation $1 a month $5 a month you can help keep this coming to you for your support. So I wish you well with this time it’s difficult. Let stay as calm as we possibly can. as neutral as we can and as observant as we can. We’re not going to do anything about it except take the very best care of ourselves in each other. We can And until we talk again, stay safe.
Thank you for joining me on the save your sanity podcast today. I hope you’ve had some new insights, some ideas and strategies to help you gain clarity and confidence for moving forward toward greater emotional health and safety. You deserve that and so to your children. If you found value here and would like to support this podcast with $1 of five each month, please do so at patreon.com/saveyoursanity. Learn more about how to work with me by a video conference. Join me optimize circles, or subscribe to this podcast on my YouTube channel at my website, transforming relationship calm talk soon
Support the podcast.