You cannot get blood from a stone, and you cannot get emotional intimacy with a Hijackal. Yes, in the beginning of the relationship, they do a good job of imitating a person with whom you could develop that emotionally intimate connection that lasts a lifetime. No, they actually don’t have either the capacity or the willingness to do it, though.
Learn to recognize the clear signs of a person who will never let you close, or want to be close with you…because they are too emotionally immature. Sad. True. See these signs early in a relationship to prevent later pain.
HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:
- What emotional maturity looks like in a relationship
- Why you cannot have emotional intimacy with an emotionally immature person
- 11 ways emotional immaturity shows up
- Why Hijackals cannot accept emotional intimacy but are comfortable with being emotional abusers
Let’s talk soon.
Rhoberta
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MACHINE TRANSCRIPT
Tonight, we’re going to be talking about the 11 traits of emotional immaturity, and things that you can clearly see that people demonstrate over and over to show that they do not have the capacity, or the willingness to be emotionally mature. And as you’re taking these off, I want you to think about yourself. And I want you to think about the people in your life that you’re having difficulty with, and how these may be traits that they have. Many times I talk about traits of Hijackals. But what’s underlying these things, we also need to understand that and emotional immaturity is definitely one of the things that’s underlying the behavior of these relentlessly difficult people that I call Hijackals. So if you haven’t been with me before, welcome, and if you’re returning, I’m glad that you found value here and you returned, know that you can always find me at for relationship help calm fo our relationship hvlp.com. And if you’d like to support the show, you can do that at patreon.com/save your sanity patreon.com/save your sanity.
So before we talk about the 11 traits of emotionally immature people want to give you an idea of the opposite. What does it mean to be emotionally mature, because we want to be able to calibrate that in ourselves and others as well. And I got the inspiration for some of the things I’m going to talk about tonight from a book that is one that I value is called “adult children, of emotionally immature parents”. And it’s by Lindsey Gibson. And is a good take on helping you understand that. So I just giving you the highlight some things that Lindsay had to say, and things that I have to say about these traits. So let’s talk about emotional maturity, how we want to be, and a person who’s emotionally mature is capable of thinking objectively and conceptually, at the same time as sustaining emotional connection. So they can do two things at once. They can be fully present in their emotions and use their brain. That’s a sign of emotional maturity, the brain has actually matured, another sign of it is the ability to function independently as a human being on your own, while still being able to retain emotional connections with people you care about. So I’m out in the world, and I’m functioning independently, I am not needy, I am not afraid, I am not anxious. And I can still have those connections with people at home. And the things are not in conflict with one another that demonstrates emotional maturity. And they can be direct. So another aspect of emotional maturity is that they can, they can explore what they want and keep going in life and have goals and they don’t have to exploit anyone. You’re mature when you can do that on your own, without having to exploit or manipulate or betray or manhandle someone that’s really important. And then they have a well developed sense of self. And they treasure their close relationships as also a sign of emotional maturity. They’re comfortable and honest about their feelings. They have well developed empathy. And they are clear about keeping their impulse control in check. And they demonstrate emotional intelligence. Are these great sounding things that you really want people to have?
I think they read AR. And for those two that emotionally mature people are interested in other people’s lives, and they’re open to being emotionally intimate. They’re not locked into themselves, but they can extend themselves to others. And they solve problems directly with people. They don’t triangulate. They don’t go behind your back, they do not engage in passive aggressive behaviors. But they are actually able to have this well developed empathy, and solve problems directly with a person with whom they’re having problems. When you’re emotionally mature, you’re much better at handling stress. That’s a big plus. And an emotionally mature person can control their emotions. Important things. So for us to understand what emotional maturity is, then we can look at what are the signs, the 11 traits that I’m talking about, of emotional immaturity, nos, any of this sounding like something you have heard, you have experienced something that you may have heard before, because that’s quite important to recognize that you may have not realized that these fall into emotional maturity, but you sure would have had the feeling because you feel like you’re dealing not with someone childlike and incapable. You feel like you’re dealing with someone who’s childish. And you wonder what is going on, because I’m dealing with this person who is demonstrating childish behaviors. So if this sounds familiar to you, this will give you another framework for thinking about the lack of empathy and things that you find in a relationship with a relentlessly difficult person. And my definition of these people that I call Hijackals, is that they hijack relationships for their own intentions and purposes and to get their needs met, and then relentlessly scavenge them, the relationships for power status and control. So once you couple that with these traits of emotional immaturity, you will see how very much it mimics the way most Hijackals Behave. That’s why the topic is an important one this evening. So number one, and we all know this about our Hijackal friends, is that they like to be the center of attention. And if they’re not, they will redirect the attention and bring the focus back to themselves. So they, you may say, Oh, I had a terrible day. And they say, oh, so did I, or I’m feeling really good about this. Oh, well, you know, you think that’s something, we’ll I tell you what I did, and they’re constantly redirecting back to themselves. That’s a very, very big sign of emotional immaturity. The spotlight can not be off me, I need to be the person that everybody is thinking about taking care of. Now we can have compassion for the fact that at some point, they maybe didn’t have this in their life, or at some point, they had it from a parent. And they just want to keep having it. And that’s what we call being entitled. So if someone was brought up in that way, they cannot see any good reason why they shouldn’t be the center of attention, and will demand to be and will make you wrong for not making them the center of attention. The second trait of emotional immaturity is they’re not self reflective. They don’t stop and say, What am I doing here? Am I behaving appropriately? Am I giving as good as I’m getting? Am I demonstrating that I care about this other person, it’s not on their radar, they’re just not self reflective, they, they can do something terrible to you, and they won’t stop and think about it. They just needed to do that because that’s what they needed to do to get what they want. So they’re not self reflective, but they’re very self referential. So if I want it I should have it doesn’t matter about anybody else. And then see number one above of course, because they want to be the center of attention. So being self reflective would not be in their best interests at all.
Number three, they can’t manage life very well in their own, they don’t know what to do, they don’t have a playbook, they’re not sure about it. So they tend to be either rigid or impulsive. So it has to be this way, it has to be this way, this is the right way very rigid, don’t talk to me about anything else, it has to be this way, it’s the only way I know to go. Or they can be very impulsive. Well, I just feel like doing it. So we’re going to do this doesn’t matter the consequences, we’re just going to do this. So they get fixated on one right way, and the right way, is their way. And that’s all they care about. And that is very much like a little child that wants to be fed, I want it now, I want only these Froot Loops. And I don’t care about anything else. And I will kick the chair and throw away anything else that isn’t like it. And I will make my niece want unknown, because it has to be my way right now. So, you know, our brain grows until we’re 30 years old. And not much in the last five years. But it grows. And brain development is a very important thing for us to look at, when we’re looking at immature behavior. Because up to the age of five or six, there are certain things that we just can’t see, we don’t feel we don’t have the brain capacity at yet to do it. And so when we meet someone who’s emotionally immature, sometimes their behavior is very much like a little person’s very much. And so this rigid, or impulsive, Stan, that it has to be my way, you see that little children, don’t you? I want what I want when I want it and not cry if I don’t get it. And so it’s a sign, obviously, of emotional immaturity. very clear, very clear connection to ways in which they didn’t mature. And you’ve often heard me say that, if you scratch a Hijackal, you’ll get the emotional response of a three to six year old or a seven year old. Because that’s where they got kind of fixated in their emotional development. So you don’t give them what they want, or you don’t say or do what they want, even if you didn’t know they wanted it. And they’re throwing a tantrum. And so that relates to their emotional immaturity. The fourth trait is to go with what they want, or what they feel is best in the moment. They, they’re very clear about not only I want what I want when I want it, but it’s what’s going to soothe me is what’s going to make sense to me is the only thing that makes sense that will make me feel like I’m okay, I got my way. And so it’s very confusing, because that will change repeatedly, it will just continue to change. So, when we’re looking at this, we want to recognize that things that you would think that little children do or sink, when you scratch a Hijackal, you will find that they still do or think it because they are emotionally immature. Now, number five is a no thought needed is that they just don’t manage stress, well, they manage it poorly, they overreact, they get very emotional about stress, they lose their capacity to think with any kind of linear rational thought. And they get lost in the stress of the moment. And so they then use that as you must do what I want, because I am stressed, and they learn to point that out quite early on. And then you then become the person who’s supposed to take care of them. And to understand all the stress they’re under, wow, they are creating more stress for you. But that doesn’t matter. Just what emotionally immature people do. Or number six, they go with how they feel at the moment and not with what’s true.
If I need to say this in the moment to feel better, or to do this in the moment to feel better. I’ll do that. And if I want to do the opposite two minutes from now, because it feels better. I’ll do that. Have you ever had that experience dealing with the Hijackal where they say something? This is how I feel this is absolutely how I feel. And five minutes later, they say the opposite? Well, this is what I was feeling. And you say but just five minutes ago you said how you felt is the opposite of what you just said. was their response, you don’t listen very well to you. It comes right back to the blame shifting that I’ve done an episode about. They cannot manage their emotions, they will not track in any rational, linear way when it comes to their behavior. So they manage stress poorly, they overreact. And how many of them ever apologize for overreacting, you’re just simply supposed to realize that they were overstressed and make allowances for them. Another sign of emotional immaturity. And again, this number six that they go with how they feel, not with what’s true. Sweat feelgood squid in the more moment, what will meet their need in the moment? What will help them feel less anxious in the moment. And you’re supposed to know that many times, you’re supposed to know that as though you’re supposed to be a mind reader. And that becomes really clear as well. So let’s do number seven. They get highly annoyed by people who don’t see things their way. You know, that’s the, I’m gonna stomp my foot until you you tell me it’s all right. Or I’m right. They get very adamant about that, that you need to affirm that I am right. Even if I am totally wrong, you need to affirm that I am right. And if you don’t see things my way, you have a problem. Of course referred to earlier, they’re not self reflective. So therefore it couldn’t possibly be there who has a problem. This is sounding horribly familiar. If you’re listening to this podcast, you may very well have a person in your life, who behaves that way. And this will sound familiar to you. Because even though this is about emotionally immature people Hijackals Your emotionally immature people. So the connection is very clear. And I’m certain that you’re checking things off as I read these lists. Ah, yes. They’re like that. Oh, that’s so true. It’s true. It just is true about people who are emotionally immature. So let’s look at number eight. They are childishly self centered, insecure, and anxious, even while pretending they’re not. And they’re always wanting to be seen as good and right. And they will be again adamant about that. They will exclude any form of logic or thought that would prove them otherwise, they will not accept your opinions. Because after all, who do you think you are commenting on me? And it’s not childlike. It’s not like, they’re they’re just coming across as not knowing better. They are childish, because they’ve gone into their emotions. And they’re not getting what they want. It doesn’t look like they what they want and need, not feeling satisfied. And therefore everything becomes again what? Well, your fault, because you don’t understand you don’t care, you you are not going to take care of them. You’re a terrible person. Because they are in their childish self, saying, I want to be seen as good and right. And you have to affirm me and validate me as being good and right. Even though you’re sitting there thinking you are bad and wrong. They will demand that you get on their side. So sometimes you’ll find yourself agreeing with them just to get them to be quiet. Because you know, it’s an argument that will go on for forever. And you may find yourself just wanting to shut it down. And you will agree with them. Well, all that does is make them do the the behaviors more. So that’s not a strategy that’s going to really help you.
So we have to be clear about how to deal with these things, which we’ll talk about in another episode. But today is important to really understand what these traits are. How do they show up? Because they are predictable when we’re dealing with difficult people. And difficult people are emotionally immature. So let’s look at number nine, the Knights trait of emotional maturity. They always focus on whether their needs are being met. Are you meeting my needs because that’s your job. That’s what you should be doing. You are here to meet my needs. And what goes along with that is it emotionally immature people never accept criticism well. And you may not even have been intending to criticize them. You didn’t even utter a breath that you would think was critical. But they’re hypersensitive to criticism. Because they are always focused on whether their needs are being met at the moment. It’s a very difficult thing to get your head around that there. Although there are two of you in the room, only one believes that they matter. And so their meet their needs are paramount your needs, what needs Why should you have any need, you are just here to meet my needs. So that’s the way it rolls with people who are emotionally immature. And they practice upside down parenting with their friends, they extend the upside down parenting that I spoke about in several other episodes. And upside down parenting is this that a healthy parent realizes their task in life is to meet the needs of their children, a Hijackal parent engages in upside down parenting, they honestly believe it act as though it is the child’s job to meet the parents needs. And when you get into a relationship with one of these people, you soon find out that they’re going to stamp their little immature foot and say you’re here to meet my needs. That’s your job, you are to be focused on meeting my needs, much like the Uptown upside down parenting model that Hijackals engaging. So if you happen to have had a Hijackal parent, you will recognize this right away that you were supposed to run as fast as you can to meet the needs of your parents, they had no concept of the fact that you did not have the emotional capacity, you didn’t have the experience, anything to meet their needs, they make you wrong for not meeting their needs. It’s very confusing for children, it causes them to grow up too quickly. The burden of it on children is enormous. Children will miss chunks of their whole childhood development, because they’ve had a Hijackal parent who demanded that they pay that child actually parents, the adult is what we call parental occasion, they turn the child into a small adult parent. And then they make the children wrong for not being good at that role. It’s very sad. Okay, and now we’re at number 10. It emotionally immature folks, they just have no interest in facts or logic or history. It doesn’t matter to them. What is true, it just doesn’t matter. It’s what they want to feel is true is what matters to an emotionally immature person. They have that need to feel what is true. As is though it is what is true. That’s very confusing when you’re in relationship with them because you as a healthier human, maybe have a grasp on what is true. And they’re insisting that that’s not right. And no amount of talking changes their mind, I’m sure you’ve experienced that. You could stand on your head and spit nickels for a decade. And it’s not going to change the fact that they are going to refute the truth for their truth. And they’re willing to argue about it for forever about whose truth is more true. We’ve noticed that too. So important to note.
Because you want to bring facts as proof or as a reason or as a complement to making a decision. And they are not interested in the facts, right. They just don’t care about that. They don’t care about logic. They don’t care if they’ve made a statement 10 minutes ago and they’re gone one ad on that statement now. They will just hold on to it feels true to me. Therefore it must be true. And when you go to court with a hijack call to to get a divorce or work on child custody or whatever. They’re masters of emotional facts. It’s not what is true, it’s what they feel is true. And then they say it as though it is a fact that it is and actually the case, which it isn’t. And many times I’ve had the opportunity to talk to attorneys of my clients to say watch out for emotional facts. In court, they like to say things like this, well, she’s never had an interest in the children. So I don’t know why we’re bothering with having a hearing, she just doesn’t care. Well, that causes the other party to jump out of her seat because she does nothing but care. But that would be very inconvenient. So in court, they kind of do this throwaway thing was she never really cared about the children. And here’s what I want, hoping that that emotional fact, will stick in the mind of the judge will stick in the mind as being true. And I all always remind attorneys at that moment, say just a minute, what do you mean she, she never cared about the children, because you have to shine light on it right away. Because if it’s allowed to stand unchallenged in court, there will have been people who heard it and accepted it and took it in, even though they didn’t focus on it. And they will have that as part of their construct of the case. So we have to be very careful, again, a topic for another time, but it falls into the same emotional immaturity, that they are not about the fact that the logic or the actual history, there in the convenient place of saying what I feel is true is the truth. And it bears no resemblance to what actually happened. If you remember that, and you’re going to court, you mentioned that to your attorney, so they can watch for that. Alright, then the last one number 11 trait of emotionally emotional immaturity, they are low, low, low, low on empathy. Later lately, I’ve been talking to clients about the fact that those of us who are not Hijackals live on the healthier human planet. And so we tend to expect Hijackals to be like us, we treat them as though they’re like us, that if I present a cogent argument, or I present the logic of a situation, or I present the historical facts, the other person will say, Oh, yeah, you’re right, that’s true. But you know very well, that that’s not going to happen when you’re with a Hijackal. Because they are low, low, low on empathy. And so the ability to put themselves in your shoes to see things from your perspective, why too much effort, who cares? It’s all about me.com. So they’re very low on empathy. And their emotional insensitivity, makes them truly unable to be emotionally intimate. They just can’t. And if you think about all the 11 things that are brought up in this broadcast, you can see why you can never have reliable emotional intimacy, if any real authentic emotional intimacy, because they are so low on empathy, and they’re so emotionally sensitive to being wrong. So no matter what happened, what actually occurred, they will twist and warp and reshape and retell things, so that it always makes them the hero or the victim, the one who has all the needs that are unmet, or the person who has done all these wonderful things for you, and why are you refuting what I’m saying? So we get into a clear understanding of what emotional immaturity looks like, then we can go back to the way we open this podcast this evening. And remember what it is that is a sign of actual emotional maturity. And just to recap that, it’s being capable of thinking about things out in the world, or historical or linear or factual things, while sustaining a deep emotional connection to other people. And having that ability to function independently and still keep that emotional attachment. Now, I did an episode recently on what healthy love it is and the beginning of the definition. I say that Healthy Love is the conscious balance between autonomy and emotional intimacy. The conscious balance between autonomy being self governing and choosing emotional intimacy. Well, if you don’t have the capacity to think about another human, because you are emotionally immature, you are not going to have the capacity for Healthy Love. And if you have not listened to that podcast, I highly recommend that you do. So I hope these distinctions have had meaning for you. And that you recognize the situation as it really is. And also, the fact that much of it will never ever, ever change. Because that can change your decision making about whether you want to stay in the relationship or not. I have a new upcoming course and program. That’s called executing my exit, going from deciding to doing and if that’s going to be helpful to you, be sure to subscribe if you catch these podcasts on Facebook, like the page if you catch them on YouTube, Like and subscribe and hit the notification bell so that you will know more about these programs. Well go to my website for relationship help calm fo our relationship help.com. So while you think about these familiar aspects of emotional immaturity, I hope that you will take very good care of yourself. Because you’re precious, and you matter. We’ll talk soon. Thank you for joining me on the save your sanity podcast today. I hope you’ve had some new insights, some ideas and strategies to help you gain clarity and confidence for moving forward toward greater emotional health and safety. You deserve that and so to your children. If you found value here and would like to support this podcast with $1 of five each month, please do so at patreon.com/save your sanity. Learn more about how to work with me by a video conference. Join me optimize circles or subscribe to this podcast on my youtube channel at my website transforming relationship.com Talk soon
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