Discard, then woo. Devalue, then profess love. You know how the love-bombing swings. It's a ploy, a sham. It's not real. Be immune. Listen in.
HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY'S EPISODE:
- How love-bombing is manipulation of the heart and mind
- The short-lived nature of promises made to change
- #Narcissistic reasons for love-bombing
- Why you may be tempted to believe the love-bombing
- How to be immune to love-bombing
- Why love-bombing is psychological partner abuse
When a #Hijackal love-bombs you, it's what you've waited for, hoped for, and finally think is proving that their love is real. It's a sham. It comes from their fear of being without readily available supply to provide validation, adoration, and someone to control Awful, but true! You don't want to play this game any longer, right?
You need insights and strategies to remember why you are no longer going to "buy" the love-bombing, even though you may really, really want to. You know it only leads to disappointment, so today I'm giving you six ways and a couple of suggestions for becoming immune to love-bombing, to listen and remember that love-bombing is all manipulation.
I hope this helps you resist the urge to merge the next time a #Hijackal wants to woo you back with the weapon of love-bombing.
In this article, we're going to be talking about love bombing. And while it sounds desirable. It isn't. It is emotional manipulation at its worst. So I want to give you some ways to prepare if it happens to you, so that you will not be taken in by it.
It is perfectly normal to desire to be courted it and wanted. But it is important to wary of a love that seems to good to be true. So I just want to have a big reality check and help you to stay ground if that happens.
In a typical love bombing episode, everything is going sideways, everything is going downhill and falling apart. There is a lot of rages and tears and disappointments and their fears. And then one party says you know, I'm done. I don't want you anymore, I'm leaving or whatever. And all of a sudden, the Hijackal, a narcissistic, psychopathic sociopathic and difficult person, realizes they are losing something, they need. And so they resort to this behavior called love bombing, which is essentially a manipulation of your heart and your mind.
Or perhaps when you first met this person, they were all you ever wanted, and more. They could read your mind. They knew who you were, they could anticipate your needs. They brought you beautiful gifts. They took you beautiful places. But if you remember carefully they were in a rush. Hijackals are always in a rush because they not really into the love bombing, it is not who they really are. But it's all a facade. It's an act that they have to put on.
Love bombing is intended to get you and get you as quickly as possible. So in the beginning, they paint this picture, and they paint it so well, you have no reason not to believe. But then then slowly, and sometimes more slowly than others they begin to reveal their true colors. I often tell the story of a bride who was swept off her feet in a very quick hurry, followed by a big wedding. But the groom dropped her off at the hotel after the reception and he didn't come back for five days.
He showed up right away as who he was. But sometimes you have semi pleasant months or years and then it begins to deteriorate. And you keep hoping that that person that you first met will come back because that's who you fell in love with. Well, I'm sorry, but I need to disabuse you of that notion that isn't the real person, the real person is the one who's causing you grief. The person you married is the one who's trying to manipulate and control you, the one who makes promises they have no intention of keeping. That's the real person is the one with rage who constantly tries to put you down and wear you out. That's the real person. But you're hooked on the hope that things would return to how they used to be . And that's the sad part of it.
And you really hope your judgments of the other person are wrong. So when they love bomb you, you think, Oh, there they are, again, oh, silly me, I shouldn't have had those negative thoughts. I shouldn't have been so quick to judge. And, you know, love bombing is designed to overwhelm you with signs of attention, overwhelm you with tokens of affection, overwhelm you with attention, and gifts, whatever they feel, it will take to get you back into that initial place where they hooked you on hope that they were the answer to all of your dreams for finding the right partner.
It's a manipulation of your heart and mind, it is a thing that keeps on going it is always playing in the back ground of everything that happens, it is all a game of chance. And every time you’re love bombed you feel like you're falling in love. And it is usually all of a sudden and it over the top. And if your thinking it is all a bit too much you’re correct. Because if it appears is too good to be true, it probably is.
And it's important to question to ask is why do Hijackals even care to engage in love bombing. Well, for starts, they do it because they need to keep this supply of adoration and validation and someone to control. They need that supply. It feeds their ego, it feels their need for power and control and status. And when they think their power over you is fading away they will do two things, either, they'll rage at you, or they'll love bomb you to try and get it back.
They would usually begin with the easy route, which is to feign anger and hope that you'll come running back. And if you don't come running, then they will switch to love bombing. They’ll try to show you for that brief period of time, that they are a perfect partner. And most importantly they’ll want to get you back to play the supporting role in the relationship where they're the star.
And when that goes sideways, and they can't have it their way, a covert Hijackal, that kind of plays victim all the time can resort to crying on cue, you know that they can go into those modes as well.
So when you recognize that somebody is love bombing you in order to get you back into the supporting role so that they can shine. That can be an important eye opener. I talk about all the time about the three must haves of a healthy adult relationship; equality, mutuality and reciprocity. There is no one star and one supporting actor in a relationship. There are two stars and two supporting actors and the roles are interchangeable. And that's equality, reciprocity and mutuality. But you will not find that in a Hijackal relationship.
So it's important to understand that they see you as an object to satisfy their need for connection and manipulation.
So you have to be really wary when that love bombing starts, when all of a sudden there's this change, that is out of character and significantly different from what has been happening for a while. And you're tempted to believe that the storm is over.
It feels like there's nothing to fear and finally you can rest and take things easy. And you can just enjoy being loved for a moment.
Now that's very appealing and you shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting that. But it's important to recognize those patterns even though they are unpleasant. Because if you don't, the cycle is going to continue just like before.
Think back for a moment. If you've been in a relationship with a hijacker, whether it's your partner or even a parent. The love bombing happens when they think you're getting out of reach and away from their control, and they start reeling you back in, come closer, little girl or boy, and I'll be kind this time.
But they are really just fattening you up for the kill. And it's appealing because it appears somebody wants you, somebody wants to be with you, somebody sees your best side, somebody's trying to meet your needs. The is especially stronger because if you've been living with the Hijackal, you may have probably gone months or even years with receiving any kind of affirmation and so you’re hungry and thirsty for it. And all of a sudden, they treat you like you’re the best thing since sliced bread, because they're afraid they're going to lose you.
So keep all that in mind when the love bombing starts, and it begins to feel like it did when you first met and determine not to fall for it, however inviting it feels. Because what they're really doing is trying to influence you to give them another chance to believe they've changed.
And remember, like I said earlier, in the beginning, most Hijackals want to go too quickly, and even they wouldn't listen to your request to slow down, they'd say, but I love you, I love you what's to stop us? Well, what was to stop you is they couldn't keep up that facade as long as they thought they might need to. So they're not going to keep up the love bombing any longer than they need to either.
I hear so much talk about giving the hijackal just one more chance. But it is never a wise move because even if you give them chance after chance it wouldn’t change anything for the better. What it simply does is give you a moment or two of feeling like maybe this person really has some goodness in them after all. Maybe they really do love me.
But that's just what it's designed to do. It's designed to make you second guess yourself, and make you forget the bad stuff and focus only on the good stuff.
And you'll learn a little bit more about that. Because after a hijackal rages, they switch to love bombing. Notice the name, love bomb. It's really a weapon. It is really a weapon just like a bomb. And it's psychological manipulation.
It's the same kind of tactic that traffickers and pimps and gang leaders use. They groom or they pull you in, they give you things, they take care of you. They pay for things, they make you feel good and wanted. And then they’ll turn you out.
Always remember that love bombing is psychological partner abuse, love bombing is a weapon. And that is not what you want to be dealing with. You do not want to be dealing with weapons.
So the question now is, how do we build immunity to a hijackal’s love bombing campaign?
Well, of course, we all love to be in love. We all love to feel wanted. We all want it to be true.
Personally, I was raised by Hijackals parents, I fell in love with, married and then divorced a Hijackal.
I found that I attracted Hijackals to myself. And then I had to figure out what was causing it.
And back then I spoke with a couple of therapists and they all had no clue why that was. So I decided to get my doctorate in psychology and I dedicate myself to helping as many people who had been ensnared by hijackals. So I've been there, done that. I have walked in all the shoes of the hijackals victim. So I understand what it is to be loved bombed, I understand how much you want to believe that the love bombing is genuine.
But you have to become immune to it. And in order to build immunity, you have to see the patterns.
For instance, the hijackal, likes to gauge how far they can go with devaluing you, and how much they can get away with. And then when they have kind of calibrated it, and they can tell when they are about to lose their supply, after which they respond with some love bombing.
And the second thing is you need to know if you're hooked on hope. And you know, I've talked about that often you're hooked on hope that the person you fell in love with is the real person. You may keep telling yourself that this nasty person you’re stuck with is a sad aberration while you continue to make excuses for them and rationalizations for their bad behavior.
It's really important to recognize the manipulation. And ask, if I was so loved, as you tell me I am today, Why was I so hated last week and the week before and the week before? Why was I discarded, or discounted or dismissed? Why was that? So Why wasn't I worthy of it two weeks ago, but now all of a sudden, you're afraid of losing me. Now all of a sudden, I have some value.
The way the hijackal treats you is certainly no way to treat someone that you value. They just have uses for you, they need you to stick around, to adore them, and to validate them and to make them feel good and give them someone to have control over.
So after you recognize the manipulation, then you need to ask for time to change. Now this is a big thing. You need to time to see the change. So when the love bomber says we're good, right? And you say, well, it's a nice beginning. But I think I need to see sustained change. And I'm going to hold off judgment as to whether or not I believe in this relationship, until I've really seen sustained change over a few months.
Now, the Hijackals is not going to like that, because they're trying to get over this whole love bombing phase in order to get you hooked back in so they could go do what they want as quickly as possible. So when you ask for some time to see change, and particularly if you use the words sustained change, that's a little worrisome to them.
Now, here's another thing to remember. And apology is only as good as the behavior not happening again. So when you're looking at those patterns, have you seen, I'm so hurt, I'm sorry, and seen a sustained change? Probably not. The I'm sorry, was part of the love bombing. And then they slowly started doing whatever they wanted to do again. So remember, an apology is only as good as the sustained change that it never happens again.
So if you want to build immunity to love bombing, you have to step back and say, I really like the sound of this, I would like this to be true. When I'm wary and I'm going to believe you. But I'm going to only behave as though I believe you when this change has been sustained for a few months.
But if you want to see if the relationship can change, the time to ask for it is when their love bombing you. And then it is completely within your rights, and especially if you have children to be able to say no, I like the sound of this, but I need to see it in action for a few months.
And it is important to asking for time to see sustained change. And while it may be what you really want to do because you've been longing to be loved. But allow yourself to be loved and allow yourself to be strong enough to say I deserve to see sustained change.
And then stay pleasantly neutral. You know don't get in their face with complaints and what have you. Just observe and take mental notes. Okay, you said this, I'm watching for it. So I really like the sound of this. I'll watch for it. And that just puts the Hijackal on notice that this is not going to be a quick hit and run to get the relationship back on track.
So this is you beginning to stand your ground, you don't need to take control of the relationship, you can't, but you take control of you.
And this allows you to demand for equanimity, including sustained change, respect, trust, honesty, and safety without needing to be anxious about whether the Hijackal is telling the truth. And then you can have a good talk about the kind of agreements to enter into. And the consequences for breaking those agreements.
Now, these are boundaries, and they have to be non negotiable. So talk about them very carefully, so that both of you understand that. Here's the point at which it goes sideways. And here's the consequence. Because remember, the whole love bombing thing is very emotional. And if you get swept up in the emotions, you will repent at your leisure, because it’ll slowly all go sideways again. You don't want that because it’s important to have a relationship you can count on.
So the major takeaway is don't fall for love bombing, recognize it for what it is, no doubt it is attractive. But take some time, and don't fall for it. Set boundaries. and make agreements with consequences for breaking them. Remember love bombing equals manipulation.
So I hope these things have helped you. I hope that they make sense to you and empower you. I'm Rhoberta Shaler. And until we talk again, be very good to yourself, because you matter.