When we have someone in our relationship who is sabotaging that relationship (or our relationships with other people), things can feel really uneasy but you’re not exactly sure why.
If you’re done with this kind of behavior – finally had enough with the deceit and difficulty, book an introductory session and let’s talk about best next steps for you.
Machine Transcript:
These people operate like this: they sit and they tell us they want us, they tell us they’re going to do things, they tell us that they’re in and that they’re with us, and then when the time comes to show up, they don’t.
And furthermore, they blame you for even asking them or expecting them to show up.
Does that sound familiar to you? Does that sound like what’s going on in your relationship? Because that is one thing that will slowly erode your relationship among many things that can do that.
The other aspect that is around being honest… it just doesn’t feel like you can be honest, does it?
It feels like you can’t go to your partner and say, “will you be able to go with me on Friday evening to this lovely event and here’s why I want to go, here’s who will be there and here’s what time we have to leave”. And they say, yes, yes, yes, lovely, great. And then they don’t show up or they come too late to go to the event. And when you say to them, well, what happened? I thought we had an arrangement and an agreement. They say, you should know better. I can’t do that on Fridays.
This is behavior that tells us there are some passive aggressive tendencies going on. That’s why it feels dishonest and that’s why it feels sabotaging. And that’s also why it feels sneaky because you really felt like you could count on this person and now this has become a pattern in your relationship.
You probably know what I’m talking about because when these things happen, you question whether or not you gave them the details. You were certain about the agreement. You honestly believe that they have made a commitment to you.
Then you start to wonder whether there’s something wrong with you, where you not thinking clearly, or remembering accurately.
Don’t do that anymore.
A person who has these patterns is a person who needs some help but needs some compassion too. They don’t know how to deal with life straightforwardly and directly, so that’s where the concept of passive aggressive comes in. They’re passive in the part that says, yes, yes, I’d love to go. Yes, it’s great with me. Yes, I have the time. They’re completely passive in the in the acceptance phase, but then when you ask them about that acceptance that they made, then they become aggressive and then they become aggressive to you as though it’s your fault that these things happened.
Now, if that’s beginning to register with you, then it’s very important for you to understand that you need not only recognize these behavior patterns, but you need to learn to respond to them in very, very practical ways and to respond to them always in those ways.
If you want to see any change. I did write a little ebook about that. It’s called “Stop! That’s Crazy-Making. How to quit playing the passive aggressive game” and you can find that on our website. It’s easy and it’s downloadable immediately and it’s only $2 and 99 cents, so that’ll get you on the right path.
The second thing that we have for you is the passive aggressive checklist. You can go and take that free online checklist and you’ll learn a great deal. All you do is take the checklist with that person in mind and you will see different traits and things that will cause you to understand better what this behavior actually looks like when it’s put into a pattern.
It’s important for you to know that because you need to recover from passive aggressive behaviors.
You get a little battered and bruised with it because you always are taking it on. You think:
- What? Did I make a mistake?
- Was it me?
- Could I have done something better?
- Could I have nurtured more?
- Could have been more present?
- Wasn’t I listening?
You continuously think it might be you, and once you’re clear that it wasn’t you, then it’s really good to take off the blinders and say, Hmm, there seems to be a pattern here.
You may want to get help with that pattern because the pain of that pattern is just too difficult. It wears you away, it’s exhausting. And finally you just put up your hands and say, okay, I can’t deal with this. I really can’t deal with this.
And you do one of two things.
You don’t ask your partner to do things with you anymore because you know it’s going to go nowhere.
Or you say, I’m going to go and find other ways to amuse myself.
So always decide to learn about yourself, to learn new skills and strategies, and then you will know that you have done your very best to make a contribution to the relationship.
