Coercive Control usually starts in small ways, and escalates!
All the attention in the beginning is lovely. Then, it turns to the dark side. You MUST see it clearly to stop it. This episode lays it out!
When you are first with a #Hijackal, you are flattered that they want you all to themselves. You’re delighted that they want to be with you, and “can’t get enough of you.” That’s the normal joy of a new relationship.
Then, when you’re with a toxic person, a #Hijackal, a #narcissist, there comes a moment when you find yourself isolated, alone, and marginalized. You look around and you have been separated from your family and friends.
HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY’S EPISODE:
- 5 reasons #Hijackals, #narcissists, and other toxic people isolate you
- The differences they show in public and in private
- How and why Hijackals try to install themselves between you and the world
- 11 ways the abuse of isolation shows up
- Why you need to clearly see these isolation tactics
#Hijackals are happy then. You’re not and in this episode, I’m giving you clear insight into how narcissistic people manipulate you into that isolation. It’s usually gradual, and you don’t realize what the final result will be. You’re still trying to compromise and accommodate.
The #Hijackal has another plan, and it involves cutting you off from as much support as possible. Nasty!
Once you clearly see these manipulations, you can begin to put an end to it–one way or another.
Big hugs!
Rhoberta
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Transcript:
I want to talk about isolation which is a nasty tactic of coercive control. And in the beginning, you don’t think it’s a big deal, because you feel it makes you special. They want you to themselves, they want to whisk you away. They want all of your time and all of your energy and they want to give you all of theirs and you’re enthralled. You feel really good about it. And that is, of course, the love bombing phase of a relationship of this kind.
And so it’s important to realize that maybe things have changed. Maybe you keep hoping that the way it was in the beginning, is the way it’s going to stay. But it probably isnt going to remain that way. Because once you’ve been isolated, then you everything seems to tip and go sideways.
So in this article, I want to help you see isolation for what it is so that you can stop it so that you can clearly see what’s up with this because as I said, in the beginning, it’s very flattering when you meet someone, and they are so immediately in love with you, and they so want you all to themselves, they want to monopolize your time, they want to take over you, they get very clingy and they are excited about showing you off while keeping you all to themselves.
And it all feels really good. But if you are in a relationship with a hijackal there’s a place in the relationship where that whole thing turns sour and goes sideways.
Now, I created the term Hijackal, because I found just too many people were going to the internet to gain insight about what was happening in their relationship. And then the internet most times would behave like a clinical mental health professional and try to give a diagnosis. But it’s not the diagnosis that’s important. What’s important is for you to see clearly the patterns, cycles and behaviors of toxic people.
So, I trademarked the term Hijackals, so that we could just talk about people who have those patterns, trait cycles and behaviors, because they can be predictable. And we certainly can add them up and see the problem that they create. So that’s why we use the term Hijackal.
And so yeah, Hijackals want you all to themselves because they want to control you. And there are some reasons that they want to do that which I am going to tell you. To start with, they want to prevent you from telling the story of what’s going on in your relationship. So if they can take you away and keep you quiet, that makes them happy.
They also want you to be dependent on them. Because then they can do all kinds of nasty things. They can withhold money, they can make you wrong, they can become physically, sexually or verbally violent with you. All kinds of things can happen because if you’re totally dependent on them, you get in that push pull place, where do I stay? Do I go? What do I do? How does this work? And it becomes terribly difficult. Another thing is they want to express their exclusivity. You know, in the beginning, it feels great to say well, you know, she’s mine or he’s mine. And it feels good. But after a while. It doesn’t feel so good at all. It feels like you have no life of your own. You’ve been taken over because they want to monopolize your skills and your resources. They want to keep you for themselves.
And that’s another reason why they isolate you is so they can add your skills and resources to theirs. Of course, they only focus on the ones they want, and they certainly don’t want your independence or your ideas or have you talking about them.
And the last thing is that they want to keep you away from help and support. They want to keep you away from people who love you, people who would notice if something was wrong, who would notice if you’d fallen quiet, who would notice if you had a mark on your body or a bruise, people who would not be convinced by a mere cover story. They’re not going to risk that. So, they’re going to take you away from that. So, these are some of the basic things that happen in isolation.
And it’s important for us to recognize those because as I said earlier, we get really enthralled in the beginning. And it’s normal to be enthralled in the beginning of a romantic relationship. But then we want to make sure you are not looking at things through rose-colored glasses otherwise you’re not going to miss the red flags. And while you don’t want to be hyper vigilant you do want to see the signs if they appear.
I’ve say often that Hijackals paint a public picture of perfection while they provide a private place of pain at home. They appear charming, delightful, and even thoughtful on the outside but at home, they are the exact opposite or even worse. The problem with this is you tell someone outside of the home what’s it really like on the inside, they are unlikely to believe you. As the teenage daughter of hijackal parents, I definitely wanted people to know about the abuse that was going on in my house. So, I went to trusted advisors, at school and church and said, this is happening. And their shocked response was your mother is so lovely. She is kind and she raises money for hospice. How dare you talk about her like that. And the thing about being raised by hijackal parents is that you will go out and attract the same pattern because you’re comfortably uncomfortable with it, because it’s so familiar.
I’ve also had the experience of being isolated by a romantic partner. And I understand what it is like you’re going through. That was a long time ago and I’m comfortable talking about it now. In the end we separated and I had to co-parent with him. But the experience taught me so much that I share with others now. Which is why I specialize in helping people on the journey from recognizing to recovering and rebuilding after toxic relationships.
Another of their favored tactic is telling you that people perceive you in a particular way, even though it is absolutely false. They’ll also tell you that you’re crazy, they’ll tell you you’re worthless, and nobody would put up with you. Because gaslighting is part of their manipulation. They need to manipulate situations because they don’t know how to work in an equitable, reciprocal and mutual relationship.
Another reason they want to keep you from the rest of the world is that way they get to seize the narrative and hide the truth. And they’ll say something like, Oh, you know, my partner’s in terrible shape. But I’ve got it, don’t you worry yourself. It’s all right. Our marriage is fine, we don’t need any help. All of which is just a tactic to keep you isolated.
And in the end, they are the sole arbiter of what’s true. They’re the one making up the story. And they can, tell it whichever way that they want and to whomever they want. And if you are familiar with hijackals you will know that they are fond of changing the details of a story according to their whims. You can hear a Hijackals say black is white on one day. And the next day, they’ll say black is red. And you’ll say, but you said black was white yesterday, and they’ll respond that you aren’t listening very well.
They also like to triangulate, which means instead of talking to you about something, they will talk to somebody else about it in the hopes that it gets back to you. They also try to strip you of your support system. Because if anyone is on your side, that means there’s a chance that you might be believed and they might be seen in a bad light. And so, they’ll try to isolate you, so they can hide abuse.
I had a client once who thought it was so romantic, when her hijackal partner suggested they should move into the deep woods after they got married. They were going to live there and have an idyllic lifestyle, and of course, in the beginning, it was all very romantic, very back to the land and exciting, we’re reducing our carbon footprint. Then they started having babies and all of a sudden, the hijackal got a job, and he left the woman there stranded in the middle of the deep woods, with children and no means of transportation. She was dependent on only the scanty supplies that he brought to her.
Horrible things happened. And nobody was there to hear her cry when she was being abused. Nobody knew that they didn’t have enough food. Now her experience was extreme. I want you to know that it can happen if you are isolated.
And sometimes they go further than that, they’ll forbid you from making phone calls or connecting with your family, they’ll say nobody can come to visit, and they’ll always have a reason why you will never go to a family gathering like Christmas, Hanukkah or Thanksgiving because they fear that people who know and love you would notice and raise the alarm. They’ll also try to cast aspersion on your friends and loved ones who are most likely to intervene. None of them would be good enough to come around for a visit. And they’ll force you to choose between them and people in your life.
And then they do this nasty thing, where they blow up your phone. They’re calling all the time, and blowing up your phone. Where are you? You’ve left work? It’s supposed to be a six minute drive and it’s already eight minutes. Where are you? What are you doing, you’re probably having an affair. They want to know where you are at all times, they’ll go to extra lengths including putting GPS on your phone or car. And they will track your every movement.
And so they’re always calling and surveilling in one way or the other because if you’re not talking to them, you must be talking to somebody else or cheating on them.
Then they do this other thing where they just drop by your work to make sure you’re there. They want to know who your colleagues are and what you do. They need to know these things because they need to isolate you further. At some point they’ll try to make you quit your job to isolate you even further, and if that doesn’t work they’ll drop by and try to make friends with your co-workers. Then they’ll make disparaging remarks about you and try to get word around the office about there’s something terribly wrong with you or get you fired. That way, if you get fired, you are at home and they have more control.
After a while you become embarrassed and humiliated, you don’t go places anymore because you don’t want them showing up. And then you recoil from society and you start losing parts of yourself. Because you don’t want to risk the wrath of the hijackal. You don’t want to risk the inquiry, you don’t want to risk the blame and threatening. And so you don’t go out anymore.
And then you become a sitting duck for other kinds of abuse. So you never want to be isolated when you’re around a hijackal. So if you think somebody is difficult, don’t ever be in a situation where you can’t get help, make sure to keep your family and friends around. And if anybody suggests you cut off contact with them, that’s a clear red flag there.
Hijackals will isolate you financially as well. They want to know how you spend every penny and they give you just enough for money. I remember working with a woman who had two teenage children. And every month, she was given less housekeeping money. And when she complained that’s there’s not enough money for food and other basic needs, the Hijackal accused her of being wasteful.
Another thing they like to do is to isolate you is show up drunk or ragingly high at family gatherings. And because you want to avoid the scene you decide not to go. Therefore, in trying to avoid there their unpredictable behavior, you become more isolated. And that is a really tricky thing that they do. Because then they say, well, it’s your choice, you didn’t want to go.
And it becomes that horrible circular nightmare. Because you don’t want to go because they’re going to embarrass and humiliate you maybe they’ll lie and say something that is totally erroneous, they’ll make a big scene, maybe they’ll hurt something or somebody. And everybody will question your choice of a partner.
And they don’t want that to happen, because you know what the consequences are when you get home. And so you don’t want that.
And you have to see their actions for what it is before you can stop the hijackal. And stopping them is a slow process. It’s not a moment when you just tell them to stop. It’s more of a slow process of you changing and doing things a little bit differently over time. And then you become empowered and you set boundaries, small ones in the beginning, and you begin to speak differently in the relationship and then you can come to the clarity about what you want to do with the relationship.
And so it’s a slow journey, please don’t spend a moment saying I should have done better. Just simply say, Now I need to change, I need to do things differently. Because you don’t set out to get into one of these relationships. That’s not what you were looking for. Like anyone else you were looking for love you were looking for validation, you were looking for a partnership, you were looking for equality, reciprocity and mutuality.
And then when you’re ready for change, it is best that you just don’t walk out of the relationship. It’s not always the wisest thing to do. Except if there’s a case of sexual or physical abuse. You want to get out of the relationship empowered and ready to self-advocate. You cannot thrive outside of the relationship if you’re disempowered with no resources and left with almost nothing.
Now there are ways to go about so that you will end up in the best possible shape and know what to do if you make the decision to take the matter to court. You can follow me on major social platforms or contact me on my website to find out more.
So until we talk again, take very good care of yourself and demonstrate to yourself that you matter, and others need to see that and hopefully they will recognize it to talk soon.
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