Being with a toxic person, a #Hijackal®, is a study in opposites designed to keep you in uncertainty. Find out how to see them clearly, and keep yourself safe.
Keeping you in chaos, confusion, and uncertainty is a hallmark of a #Hijackal®.
They do it to keep you on guard and off balance.
That’s a very shaky combination that destroys any possibility of stability in a relationship!
Recognizing when a Hijackal is trying to control you (which is always) is an important skill to have for taking back your personal power and sense of self. It’s particularly important when that uncertainty has come to feel “normal.” There is nothing normal about it, but it is the way #Hijackals roll. You might need to “roll” away!
You may find it difficult to clear your head and examine how you really feel at this point.
You’ve likely been told you’re wrong so many times that you’ve come to believe it. You may have been told everything is your fault so many times you’ve come to think it’s true. If either of those things are true for you right now, this is the perfect time to listen in and gather some insights and strengths.
Clarity is required. Being with a #Hijackal–maybe a #narcissist–leaves your head spinning.
Because you are a good person, you’ve likely given the Hijackal the benefit of the doubt too many times. You’ve excused his/her behavior repeatedly. You’ve justified their crazy-making more times than is healthy. Actually, once is enough!
It’s time to stop. This episode is a good place to start.
Machine Transcription: (please accept our apologies for typos!)
I wanted to talk to you tonight about finding clarity in the midst of hijackal confusion. Now, you know, hijackal is my term for uh, those people who hijack relationships for their own purposes while relentlessly scavenging them for power, status and control. And so if you’re with a relentlessly difficult person, you may very well be with a high Jackal. And if you’re not sure about that, just go to high jackals.com and download my free ebook. How to spot a high Jackal and you’ll soon know for sure. So, uh, looking at these, uh, options about the clarity versus the confusion, no one thing for sure that a hijackal’s main focus is to stay in control of everything. So the more confusion a high could create, the happier they are because now they’re in control.
So it’s something to watch for, something to be careful about. Watch for the power grabs, watch for the grabs for control and it takes something for you to start doing that because the reason that in a relationship, um, with somebody who is, uh, scavenging for control is because for some reason it’s familiar to you or it’s all right with you. And of course on a conscious level, it’s not all right with you. I know that if I said to you, would you like to be controlled? Would you like to have someone wanting power over you all the time? Is that the person you would choose to be with? No, you would definitely say no, that’s not what I want. But some of us have been raised by hijackals. I was, and therefore it just seems also normal to have a relationship with somebody who wants to control you.
And even though you’re not happy about it, there is something expected and normal about it. And so you drift into the relationship without setting strong boundaries, without reacting to the red flags. And then you end up in their clutches and are endeavoring to keep you confused. And how they do that is that they make promises. You’ll have a perfectly normal conversation with a hijackal about, ah, what are we going to do tomorrow evening? You’ll get it all set down, you’ll agree, you’ll agree what each of you are going to do and how you’re going to do it, what time you’re going to do it. And then that evening comes and that person says, I have better things to do with my evening than that. And there’s the confusion. Didn’t we just have a wonderful conversation and in depth conversation about what exactly what was going to happen tonight?
And then when you confront them with it or even have an expectation that they will go along with that they hit you with, no, you’re wrong. I certainly didn’t agree with that. We may have talked about it, but I didn’t agree to it. And there you are. Confused, caught second guessing yourself. And if it happens many times you may even be questioning your sanity. And that’s a problem, isn’t it? Because you get into that place where they can just push that button and you immediately go into that confusion. It’s like something goes over you and that’s really not an empowering place to be. And so if you are listening to this and this is making sense to you, then I really encourage you to sink a long and hard about where was this familiar to you in your early life? Where did it become okay?
Now probably what happened is it slipped in when you were very, very young, long before you had language. So don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t feel badly that that you should have done something about it. You couldn’t, you couldn’t do that. And so many people spend so much time saying, you know, why didn’t I see it? Or why didn’t I do something about it earlier where you just can’t know until you know. So their task, their mission is to keep you confused and I’m here to invite you to no longer be confused. It’s just start going along with that little game and say, no, I can start to trust myself. Now there is a syndrome, a practice, I guess that happens with Hyde shackles and you may have heard that is called gaslighting. And so what they do is you, you mentioned something that you think is sure a fact or are an agreement, like I said, or something.
And you put it out there and they tell you that it never happened or that you are completely wrong. And it happens over and over and over that way. And eventually you begin to think there’s something wrong with you. But in fact, they’re gaslighting you by telling you that your reality is not your reality. They want to be in charge of your reality. And that’s the difficulty. That’s definitely confusing. So what do you do? First of all, start to be very self reflective. Ask yourself, what was my part in this? What did I actually say? And then bolster your confidence and say, no, I know that’s what happened. And then when you’re in conversation with the hijack, go speak up. Say something clearly say no. You know, to my recollection, this is our decision. This is our agreement and I’m going to go with that.
And as they try to talk you out of it or make you wrong about it, refused to go along. Just simply keep stating your own reality. No, I know that’s what we are going to do. I don’t know what what you’re playing at, but that’s not what I agreed to and I’m not going to change my mind. So you, you begin to give yourself positive feedback about your own reality and that you are no longer allowing them to define it. High jackals will go beyond events. They will try to tell you who you are, what you think, what you feel, what you should think, what you should feel, who you should be, who you should be with, what you should be doing. Why you should be doing it. They’d like to have complete charge of your life and you may have noticed that they’re always encroaching, always wanting a little more control.
So your task is to simply stop that train. Don’t allow it to happen. No, that doesn’t work for me. No, I’m not going along with that. No, I don’t believe that. No, that’s not the way I remember it. And then when they started to tell you, and I said this in another Facebook live that you could find on YouTube now at my channel for relationship help, is that when they start to tell you who you are and what you think and what you feel always remembered, he say, that’s interesting. How could you possibly know you are not me, so you don’t know what I think or how I feel, and just leave it there. Leave it there. Because you need to start setting some boundaries. You need to put some things firmly in place that will allow you to feel stronger. It’ll allow you to take charge of your reality and refuse to have it compromised by a highchair CO’s decision to try and have power over you.
Now we’re coming into the holidays and this is a time when high jackals abound and they love to create chaos. And why do they love to do that? Because it’s just like a festival for chaos for them because they could push buttons and everybody’s trying to have a good time and everybody’s on their best behavior and nobody really wants to have an argument or a fight so they can poke and prod and push and say things to you. When other people are listening that they, they just want to make a little dig. They can do that to other people. They can manage situations, they can dig in their heels and not go along with a group plan. So as you’re thinking about the holidays, take a few deep breaths and relax. I know that decide is is so and so going to ruin it this year. Is there going to be a problem?
And yes, there very well may be a problem. But don’t go into the holidays thinking that way. Go into the holidays with openness. Go into the holidays with who you are now, allowing other people to be who they are and don’t worry about changing them. Go with an open mind and strong boundaries so that you will speak up. You will say what needs to be said in the moment, kindly, and you’ll only talk about yourself. So here is the key. Don’t talk about the other person at all. Simply talk about yourself. You know, I feel disrespected right now. I am tired and I’d like to go in and have a rest just because everybody else wants to go and do something. You don’t have to, when someone tries to guilt or shame you into coming along and doing what they’re doing to say, that’s lovely for you.
It doesn’t work for me right now. And stick to your guns. Start to find little ways, little ways to be strong. Little ways to remind yourself that you’re important, that you’re valuable, that what you want and what you see and what you feel and what you think is important. That’s your contribution to the world and nobody else can make that contribution but you. So if you happen to be with a high Jackal, then you’re going to have that in a much more magnified ways than if you’re not with a hijackal. Sure. We all do those things occasionally, but the thing with the high Jackal is they’re relentless about it. They just keep pushing and pushing and pushing and forcing and endeavoring to have things their way all the time. So remember that their task is to create confusions so that they can have power over you however you are.
You don’t give your power away. You don’t have to get angry. Never confront a hijackal straight on with their behavior. Never accused them. Blame them, shame them, guilt them. It doesn’t work. It only makes things worse, but stand your ground. I think this, I feel this. I want this. I need this big, big rule. Never say the word. You just speak about yourself, what’s going on for you and that will begin to clear that confusion and bring you to clarity and it will also give you confidence. So I really wish you well with that and I hope that the holidays are much smoother or even a little bit smoother than they ever have been before. And as I mentioned earlier, if you need the book, how to spot a high Jacko, go to Hijackals.com.