Oooh, it hurts! Resist the urge to return to their narcissistic demands, or apologize for who you are. No need to do either!
You’ve likely turned yourself into a pretzel to please a toxic person. That’s what they want.
You can stand on your head and spit wooden nickels for a decade, and you cannot please them beyond a hot minute when they really want something for you.
Notice that!
HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:
- Why discard hurts so much
- What you can take charge of
- What you actually deserve much more than you have received
- How being discarded can be the best thing ever
- 10 ways to resist returning to a narcissist by focusing on moving forward
You were discarded. Not your idea. Not your choice. Not your timing.
You’re unhappy and focused on what you’ve lost. That’s natural.
BUT, you’re out! Being discarded by a narcissist, or a person who narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies, never feels good. But, you can feel much better when you focus on the ten ways to resist the urge to return to a toxic relationship!
Being discarded may have been your worst fear, but look! You’re still alive, breathing and all. And, doing all that good stuff in spite of the fact that the #Hijackal, the #narcissist, the #sociopath discarded you. Great start!
Feel the pain, but don’t wallow in it. There’s a difference. Acknowledge the pain. Give it a name. Recognize the source.
Then, turn around, face forward, and realize that, no matter how you got there, you’re out of the emotional abuse! Yay!
The pull to return to a toxic person can be great, overwhelming even. It’s what you know. It may be what your early life trained you to believe you deserve. Not true! You deserve SO much more than emotional abuse!
Listen to these ten ways to resist going back to a toxic person, a #Hijackal! Listen again…and, again…and….as many times as necessary to not go back.
You now have the opportunity to be free of ridicule, blame, put-downs, insignificance, and begging for crumbs of affection. Woo-hoo!
best regards,
Rhoberta
TRANSCRIPT
Oh, the worst just happened. You have been discarded by a Hijackal.
Let me tell you, that is not the worst.
You could, actually, celebrate. But, if you can’t quite bring yourself to go that far, here are 10 ways to resist the pull to return when you have been dismissed and discarded by a toxic, difficult person.
You might feel awful at first. Who likes to be dumped? Once you recognize that you actually feel a little relief, these steps will help you see why you can focus on forward and turn this into a great moment for your future life. Listen up.
When you’re thrown away by a Hijackal, it hurts. It hurts because you were facing in the direction of the Hijackal. You were facing the future together, and you had hopes, dreams, and plans. Even though there were bad patches, you were hoping, hoping, hoping they would change. In fact, if you’re like most people who fall in love with a Hijackal, you were hooked on the hope that that person you fell in love with was the real person and that they would be returning sometime soon to replace the difficult one you see most days. Because you wanted it to work, you may have made yourself into a pretzel, maybeended up being a doormat… and then that didn’t even work.
Iff you were discarded by a Hijackal, I know you’re in shock. I know it may have been your worst nightmare because you have worked so hard to not have that happen. B, here you are. It happened. Notice you’re still alive. Good start! Now, you need to know how to resist the pull to return. I know it’s strong. You miss the person you fell in love with. That person wasn’t real. Now, for some support, insights, and healthy plans for moving forward.
Why does it feel so bad? and why does it feel worst? Well, first of all, it’s not choice. Somebody else made a choice for you. On top of that, it reinforces any past rejection you may have had in your life. It triggers anytime in your past that somebody has told you you’re not good enough. It triggersanytime you’ve been abandoned or walked out on, dismissed, demeaned or discounted.
Another big thing it triggers? All-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking. . That’s the thinking that you really need to understand at a deep level. It’s like this:
Something happens in your relationship. In your head, immediately go to, “No one will ever want me. Nothing good ever happens to me.” Instead of being able to stay in the moment and say, “What’s up with that person? I’m don’t think I did anything terrible, so w they leave me?”
All-or-nothing thinking is catastrophic thinking, and it’s usually not true. In fact, not even close to true. But you go to the worst case scenario in your head, you feel sad. And in that sadness, we even let it overrule our anger. And when you are always afraid of being rejected, and you go right to thinking you’ve been rejected, you take it personally. Right to your worst case scenario in your head, right.
Why isn’t your self-talk sounding like this? “W, they are leaving! I don’t have to be repressed, oppressed, and maybe depressed anymore.” Or, “They’re angry/upset/hurt/scared and once they have expressed that, we can talk to see what we can change.”
No, that’s not the thought that comes to you if you’ve had bad experiences before. No, you jump in with “He done me wrong. S done me wrong. Ain’t it awful. Nobody ever cares about me. No one loves me. I’m worthless.”
Then, you beat yourself up a little more:
“Oh, I know what I did. I’m not a good enough person. I’m not a good enough partner. If only I’d tried harder It’s no wonder everybody leaves me.”
That’s all or nothing thinking. Everything is wonderful, or everything is ending…forever. And then you asked yourself that question, which tells you you’re not a hijackal. And that question is, am I the hijackal? Oh, but we have to move to that place of realizing that, wow, I don’t have to be repressed, suppressed and depressed anymore. That person has moved on in the beginning. Yes. Feel your feelings. Don’t wallow in them, but feel them, acknowledge them, notice them, give them a name in. They may be like, ain’t it awful or no one loves me or nothing good ever happens or I knew I wouldn’t be good enough. But if that goes on for more than three days, get help. You need help to shorten the journey so you’ve been discarded and you won’t really realize that at first.
But yeah, lucky you. I know you don’t even want to hear that right now, but you have to open your mind a little bit and believe that you dodged any further bullets. Heaven knows you’ve already had enough bullets, right? Hijackals are full on assault rifles. They don’t seem to have any end to the bullets that they have and their bullets they have are designed to dismantle you, your self worth, your self esteem, your self confidence. And if you’re newly discarded, you may have too much pain and blood on you to realize right now that this is a good thing. Why? Well, you’ve been trained maybe by the heart, Jackal, maybe as a child to define yourself by what other people think of you and expect of you. And that’s how you measure yourself. And that’s not healthy. So discard then immediately feels like another round of never be good enough.
But you’re in charge, right? Can you own that? You’re in charge. Nobody’s going to tell you how to feel. Nobody’s going to tell you who you are. You’ve got to pull yourself up. You know I have a pillow in my office that a girlfriend gave me a long time ago and it says “put on your grownup underwear and deal with it”. And that’s hard. I know. So that’s why I said give yourself three days to wallow. Do not go longer because you’ve got to pick yourself up and remember your in charge of what’s going on within you. So do you want someone else to tell you who you are? No. Do you need that? No. And if you, if you think you might, then let me tell you who you are. You have the absolute right to take up space and draw breath. Give yourself that, right?
You have the right to do life your way. Give yourself that rate. You don’t need to put your self worth in the hands of anyone else. Great. You can be strong and if you’re not, you can get strong. That’s who you are. You are a person who can define your own reality. You don’t need the gaslighting of a high Jackal to tell you who you are, what you feel, what you need and what you want. You are an autonomous being who can do that for yourself in your own context. That’s who you are. So as I said earlier, feel the pain, but with a time limit. Give yourself those two or three days to feel bad maybe then to a little to your close friends, but never, ever, ever to the high Jackal. Never, never, never to the high Jekyll. Don’t be the one who contacts the high Jackal.
No, no, no, no, no. Never lash out in the high jackals direction. It’s just what they want. It gives them more power over. You never text her email the high Jackal again. They’re just sitting there going, huh, look what I made that person do. I’m so powerful. So yeah, pain is still there and you can have pain and still focus on your future. Ask yourself this question, do I deserve to be treated with respect or do I deserve to be treated with honesty? Do I deserve to be treated with love? Do I deserve to be in a relationship where there can be trust? Do I deserve to be emotionally safe? Do my children deserve healthy models of parents and relationships? Because if he can’t do this, thinking for yourself, do it for your children. And do I deserve to live in emotional, healthy ways? And the answers there are only right answers are yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
That might be a bit difficult right now because you’re feeling a little hollowed out. You’re feeling a little empty, you’re feeling a little uncertain, you’re feeling thrown by the wayside and discarded and you were. But we have got to find a way to help you pick yourself up and say, this is a good thing. So if you believe you deserve all those things, then you are you noticing that you’re beginning to look forward now because you need to keep your focus on forward. Yes, disempowering thoughts and emotional longing for white. You never really had notice that you never really had it. You always were hoping it was coming. That emotional longing for what you never really had. It’ll jump in, it’ll set you back, but only let it to it for a moment. Take charge, turn and focus on forward. If you have to pretend to be strong, if that’s what it takes, you know, get up and face the day and say, I am going to face forward.
I’m going to look at the present moment and moving forward. I’m not going to look back. I’m not going to keep hoping that that person is going to be who I wished they were, who they were at the beginning of the relationship. I have ample evidence that they are not that person and I am the one who’s hooked on them. Really being that person. You don’t want to be wrong, right? You don’t want to be wrong that this person pulled the wool over your eyes and now they’re treating you badly. But this is the moment to figure it out. So if you need to pretend to be strong, but I believe you are strong and I believe you’re stronger than you think you are. Now a high Chaco by my definition, only operates in his or her own self interest. The high charcoal is focused on what he or she can get from you. They have uses for you, not love to give you.
I hope at that moment when I just said that, that you had second of saying, yeah, I think I really was used because that’s the beginning of that self awareness. See it. So how do you resist the pull to go back to the pretend love a hijack or pretended to give you to get you on the hook to do what they want and have power over you and control over you. When you can recognize that they just wanted something, how to resist that poll. I’m going to give you 10 ways now. You may have to listen to them over and over. In those moments when you feel like, I just want to send an email, I just want to explain myself. I just want to say I’m sorry. I just want to give them some love and let them know because they’re so wounded and they’re hurting and I have to take care of them in those moments. Replay, replay this episode.
Here are 10 solid ways to resist the pull to return to a Hijackal when you’ve been discarded.
- Focus on forward now, not on going back, not on looking back. Focus on forward now.
- Make a list of all the ways you were demeaned and discounted, dismissed and abused. Read that list every time you think you might want to go back. You will quickly see that that life was not attractive or loving or supportive.
- Remember the people in your life who suggested this wasn’t a good relationship, that maybe you should leave? They didn’t like this person. Remember them and open your mind to the fact they might have been right. They may have been able to see something that you were unwilling to or couldn’t see at the moment because you were longing for love. Just think about that and then think, would those be good people to talk to now to get a different perspective on the relationship? Maybe.
- Don’t discount that you may have experienced abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, all kinds of abuse. Did you?
You don’t want to go back to abuse.. You are not that person who says, “I deserve be abused.”
No, because remember, you deserve love,respect,honesty, trust, and safety in your relationship. Don’t ever let your self think that that wasn’t abuse or that it was your fault that you were abused. No, that person was choosing to abuse you. Got it?
- Remember you were being used. I know you don’t want to think that, but if you were with a Hijackal, you were being abused and used. You were used as a convenient source of relief. from the Hijackal’s fears,wounds, and needs for control. You had that function. You were used as a person responsible for their pain. You weren’t responsible for their pain, but they used you as though you were.
They treated you as though you were in. They may be upset you were, they used you as the person to blame for all of their, all consuming negative emotions. Everything was your fault, right? Remember that? Remember you were used to make them feel powerful and adored and validated while they walked all over you. They couldn’t have cared less about you except when they really, really, really wanted something. Remember that. And remember, you were used as an object for their gratification to meet their needs while yours. They just go unnoticed, unattended. And definitely they showed no interest in them. So remember being used
- Remember, the relationship was never about we. It was always about them. And you probably desperately wanted to be part of a we. And so you justified and rationalized made excuses for why there was no weakness going on. It was all about them, what they needed, what they wanted.
And in order to speaks really well of themselves, they discounted choo. So remember that the relationship was never about we in their case, it was always about me. Okay?
- Hijackals do not value you except as a means for getting what they want and what they want isn’t you. What they want is what you can give to them to make them feel better about themselves. So you become a means to an end and that doesn’t get you anything that you wanted and you feel used and abused. Remember that
- Hijackals have no interest in or ability to care in a deeply human way about you. They only care about themselves and yes, I know you justify that by saying, but I am compassionate and I am. I’m empathetic. Or maybe you say you’re an empath and therefore I’ve got to take care of the world.
No, no know you don’t notice. Hijackals have no interest or ability to care in a deeply human way about you. Why would you want to be with a person who can’t care about you, doesn’t want to care about you, has no interest in caring about you, is only using you as a means to an end. Hope that gets your back up a little bit and it says, Oh, I’m going to focus on forward right this minute. K two more.
- remember, you can’t change or fix them. You can stand on your head and spit wooden nickels for a decade and you will not change them. Yeah, sure they’ll look like they changed for a hot minute when they want something, but no, basically you cannot change them. I can’t do it because a hijackal has to want to change and their whole upbringing made them absolutely afraid that they would be found wanting in the world. So they become these beings who use other people.
- remember, remember, remember, you are better off away from them no matter how you got there. So they discarded you. Great, thanks. Now I don’t have to do it now I don’t have to summon up the courage to walk out. I’ve been discarded. Oh my goodness, I’ve been discarded. I’ve been discarded by somebody I don’t even like and yet I’m longing for their love. I don’t like their behaviors. You know? Remember, go back to that list of all the ways they discounted, demeaned and dismissed you. Any time you’re wondering about whether or not you want to call them or text them cause sure that’s going to happen as a habit pet, please don’t.
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