You can begin healing even while you’re in an emotionally abusive situation, small steps and nano-seconds of healing. Understanding my phases of healing from emotional abuse encourages you to begin and continue the healing journey. Wherever you are–even if you have not started the journey yet, seeing there is a pathway can help.
If you want to be emerging empowered from a past or present in which you experienced emotional abuse, you need this episode. Understanding the blueprint and anticipating the process is wise, and will make you much less susceptible to going back to a Hijackal of any stripe….even a Hijackal parent!
HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY’S EPISODE:
- Healing begins with realizing that and how you have been wounded
- The three phases of the healing from emotional abuse process
- Why it takes longer to heal than you want it to
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Let’s talk soon.
Rhoberta
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MACHINE TRANSCRIPT
Today, we’re going to be talking about three phases of healing from emotional abuse. And it’s important to know that you can start right now with the healing process even if you are currently in an emotionally abusive relationship.
And I want to make that very clear right from the beginning. Because you might think, oh, first I’ve gotta sift and sort everything before I can start healing. And it’s not true. So feel encouraged by that.
So we’ll be talking about the three phases of healing from emotional abuse.
It’s important to recognize that the healing journey, not as speedy as you might hope, but definitely can be undertaken. And we need to have that hope, we need to truly understand that it won’t always be like this, it can change, it can change significantly. And that you can engage in the process as soon as you’re ready. Or even before you think you’re ready. You want to be free of emotional abuse or as free as you possibly can be. I’m here to help you with that.
So, three phases of healing. The first one is realization.
That you actually come to the realization that you have experienced emotional abuse, or maybe still are experiencing emotional abuse. And you realize this is not okay with you. It is simply not okay. And you may feel really burdened by it all. And you may be feeling a bit like somebody’s cat toy at the moment. And they’re just hitting at you whenever they want. Wherever you are in the journey. Maybe you’re out of it, but having difficulty leaving it behind in your mind in your heart. But the first phase of the healing journey is realization. And the definition and Oxford Dictionary of realization is the act of becoming fully aware of something as a fact, the act of becoming fully aware of something as a fact. So when you really become aware that emotional abuse has been in your life, you have been touched by it or maybe even slammed down by it. You’ve certainly been put down by it worn out by it torn down by it. So when you fully recognize that you have been abused, the beginning of the healing journey is there.
And in that realization, that’s when you gather facts. When you are watching my videos on YouTube at for relationship help. Or you are watching or listening to my podcast at save your sanity podcast.com or wherever you’d like to get your podcasts as I said earlier, and you are gathering information and you’re having those wonderful moments, at least I hope they’re wonderful where you say ah Yes, that’s exactly what’s happening to me. Oh, I didn’t even realize that was happening. But yes, and you begin to feel it is maybe not about me. It’s the situation in which I find myself, the relationship in which I find myself that is the problem. And we have a tendency when we’re in a relationship that’s emotionally abusive, because usually we are people who are a little bit healthier, and then the one who’s abusing us. And we realize that I can’t change this person. I can’t do anything more than I have done. And it’s not changing.
So the realization hits you that I could keep pouring all my energy, all my love, all my attention, all of my money, all of my resources, I could pour my whole life into this. And it is not going to change that person. On the other side, as I call them, the Hijackals are just going to take take, take a more more, take, take take home, what more till you’re flat out, you are a doormat, you are a pretzel. You can’t do anything else you are exhausted. And when you realize that I’ve done things, and it has not improved. I’ve tried things. I’ve even apologized for things that I didn’t do. I have begged them to talk to me when they gave me this silent treatment. I have done all the things that you’ve heard me talk about on podcasts, and that person doesn’t change.
That’s the moment of realization. I become aware fully aware of something as a fact. I am in fact being emotionally abused. And it may be linked to the person’s earlier life. It may be that abuse is somehow comfortably uncomfortable, but very familiar because maybe you experienced it at home, or in a prior relationship. And you fallen into the pattern. Again, don’t spend a moment beating yourself up about that, please don’t do that. Please say at this moment, I realize what’s happening. Whatever is gone before that is passed. At this moment, I realized what it is. And as I come into that full realization, I can see that I must do something about it. Or I am giving myself away to this abuse. And you’re far too precious to give yourself away to abuse far too precious to let someone take power over you in that way in a repeated fashion. That so much of a repeated fashion that it becomes a lifestyle. No, no, no, no, no, that is not okay. So in this realization phase is in light bulbs are just going on, the more you learn, the more you learn. And you begin to see I am not alone is happening to many people.
That’s why I have my community, the emerging empowered community, so that you can for sure for sure, not feel alone. And if that interests you can go to join in today.com and come along over and be part of the emerging empowered community. There are a lot of perks of being a member. One of them is that twice a month. I have a group Ask Me Anything call where you can join in on zoom with other people. And we talk about the things that are of interest to you. So come on over to join into data comm if you would like to have a community where you feel safe, it safely off social medias on my website, where you feel heard, where you feel known, and you are no longer isolated.
So that’s a good thing to come from this place of realization. And to realize that I do not need to be alone in this I am not alone in this. And there are people who are in different parts of the journey and I want to join in. So come into join into data calm. So the first healing phase, the first phase of healing is realization, realization what’s really going on realizing that you don’t want it any longer, realizing that you can do something about it and change realizing that you want to and then you begin to Gather information that confirms and affirms and validates this relationship I am in or I was in is dysfunctional, dysregulated. And disordered. I didn’t make it that way. It was the other person who brought that to it, I may have been the one who put up with it. And I realize I am not going to put up with it or tolerate it a moment longer.
So phase one, realization. Phase two is recovery.
Now as the meaning of the word recovery is the action or process of regaining possession or control of something that you lost, or was stolen, the action or process of regaining possession of something that was lost or stolen, doesn’t have just say what’s happened in a relationship where there is emotional abuse, people were stealing your self esteem denigrating your self concept, trying to undermine you, trying to get power over you endeavouring to control you. So we want to be in that process of regaining something that was lost or stolen. And that is recovery. Now, if we think about this as a wound, and definitely there are lots of wounds when there is emotional abuse going on. But if we think it’s maybe you had a slippage with a meat cleaver, and you cut your arm, and it’s a deep, deep cut, and our hurts, and it’s messy, and it’s there, and you’re very, very aware of it, and you keep checking it, and you take good care of it. And you realize, yes, I really am hurt, I truly am hurt. That’s important. Don’t just pull your sleeve down and say, Oh, it’s nothing. But you realize you truly are hurt. And then the body quickly starts to say, I don’t we know what to do with that. And they go to work trying to pull the edges of the wound together. And it hurts, and maybe get infected and maybe can’t read. But you’re taking very, very good care of it. Because you see it, you see that wound. And then slowly, it begins to heal. And it gets pulled together and it looks red and angry. Maybe it itches a little bit like it’s uncomfortable. But then someone says to you, oh, that itching that’s that’s usually related to healing, this is a good thing. So now you’re not looking at it all the time. It doesn’t need to have his dressings changed as often, you’re not as worried about it, you are in the recovery process. And you begin to sometimes forget that it’s there. Because it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. This is recovery. So we want to to be in that situation where eventually we look at our our arm and where that was that terrible wound was. And we see that there’s a scar. And we are recovered.
Recovery is a slow process because we have to take a look at each part of our life as little parts, little pieces. What has happened to us what was our response to it? How did we spend time with a rigid we ignore it? Or did we think that someone else would take care of it? Or did we have that awful thought, Oh, well, I’m just supposed to suffer or to feel somehow you deserve to suffer? That’s even more difficult. Right? And so to accord yourself the right to recover, you’ve realized you need to now accord yourself the right to recover. And the time it takes us the time it takes and recovery will regain that possession of what it is you lost. Now, you might ask the question if I had a Hijackal parent, and I went into a Hijackal relationship did I ever have that something that seems to have been lost or stolen? Great question. Maybe you never had it. Maybe you were under the impression that that paltry little amount that you were given that seemed to fall under the the idea of love or have someone caring for you, or someone being interested in you. Maybe you never received enough to even recognize when it was missing, that makes the recovery process even more important, and a little longer. But don’t shy away just because it’s not a quick process. Do you know it took you a long time to grow up, it took you a long time to acquire these positions in life, these ideas, these feelings about yourself and how the world works. And it takes quite a while to recover. When you find out that that was the wrong road. That road only took you to misery and you want to go towards joy. So don’t spend a moment saying to yourself, oh, I should have seen it. I should have known better. People told me and I, I didn’t listen, don’t don’t go there. I mean, it’s tempting, you will go there, probably but don’t stay there. Just say, Ah, yeah, that’s part of the recovery process. For me to kind of blame myself, or think that I should have done something back years ago, when I didn’t have the insights I have today. So the recovery section of healing from emotional abuse is a difficult one. Because you’re learning new things, you’re learning new things about yourself. And sometimes they feel a little awkward, they don’t quite fit right for a while. And yet you like the feeling. But it’s really tempting to slip back into the old ways. That’s why you need help. That’s why I help my clients. That’s why I do what I do. And if at any time you want my help go to be a client.com be a client calm there, you can access the one time, one hour consultation for new clients, and only $97 to spend an hour with me and I’ll help you know what the pathway would be for you to achieve the goals that you want. Be client talk calm.
So we know that we need help on the process, it may be helped directly by working one on one with me, or someone else in my field. It may be joining the emerging empowered community. But you know that you need help you need information, which you are gathering in the realization stage, you were gathering information about? What is the situation in which I find myself? What is this and you’ve learned that it’s emotional abuse, and you’re learning about the phases of emotional abuse and the realization stage, then you get into the recovery phase, and you need to learn how to recover? What do I need to do? What do I need to address? Where do I need to spend my energy? How do I do it. So you need help in that process. You can do the realization stage probably on your own, or at least most of it, because sometimes it’s hard to believe and you need someone to help you believe it. But then you can move into the recovery phase. And that’s where you need help. Because there’s a lot of pieces to look at. And maybe you won’t gather them all together. And if you did gather them all together, you need to know what to do with them. So the recovery process that return to a normal quote unquote, normal state of being or mind or strength, that’s recovery, you want to return to a healthy state of mind, a state of health. And that journey is so worth taking. If you’re having even a little thought that, Oh, that’s too much, I don’t deserve it. Please eradicate that thought right now. You do deserve it. You know, at the end of every podcast, I tell you to be good to yourself, because you’re precious and you matter. And you deserve to recover from emotional abuse in a healthy way, and in a whole way, not just a little bit. And lat get life a little bit better, but pre life all the way up to speed. Open yourself to the possibilities of what your life could offer, you really do that. And you do that in the recovery process in the recovery phase of what you need to do to overcome any remnants of damage from emotional abuse. And there are many remnants. There are many great big chunks of cloth and there are many remnants too, and that’s why you want to explore that fully. It’s also why I tell people if you’re leaving a relationship that is emotionally abusive, and people ask me all the time, how long will it take? I tell them leave yourself a minimum of one trip around the sun to heal one form A year of concentrated attention on healing. And so we want to be in that recovery process, be in that recovery phase, and do the work, do the work, he never want to be in a relationship like that again, right. And so you have to do the work to make sure that you will never allow that to happen. And you can trust yourself that it won’t. And that’s what happens with the work.
So we’ve got realization of what’s happening, recovery from what has happened. And then the third phase is to recalibrate.
And that means to make small changes or adjustments to an instrument that so that it measures accurately, don’t you love that? Through recalibrate, is to make small adjustments or changes to an instrument so that it measures accurately. So obviously, if we get ourselves into an abusive relationship, by default, or because we were love bombed, and we thought it was going to be perfect, and it turned out to be anything. But no matter how we got there, it’s not about that. It’s what do we do once we realize we don’t want to be there, or what we do when we realize that it’s in our past, but it’s unhealed. So then we do the recovery. Now we need to recalibrate, we need to change all of our dials, so that we will be focused in the direction of healthier relationships, healthier relationship with ourselves, healthier relationships with others, we will be able to see unhealthy, we will you be able to see red flags, clearly, we will have whipped off our rose colored glasses, and been able to see those red flags exactly where they are waving wildly, and we will not be able to ignore them. Because we have recalibrated. We have changed our ability to measure accurately. And we need to do that. And we need to build confidence in ourselves that we can do that. Your client was reminding me she’s very well recovered and out of a relationship that was really, really a long journey and a difficult one with a total raving Hijackal. And she wanted to go out on a date. And I said to her well, if you really, really are craving company, the only kind of date I recommend is a practice date. And she said, What do you mean? I said, Well, you can go if you want, you could go but your practice dating you someone engages you in conversation, you think, Hmm, let me let me see what is this person really saying? How does this person look? Is their facial expression congruent with their tone of voice? Is their body language congruent with all that? Are they actually looking sincere? Or am I ignoring something that’s making me uncomfortable? Am I trying to make them into something that they’re not showing me by thinking it so in my mind, so practice dating, so she was very attractive, she still is, of course. And so she went practice dating and she found it so liberating, because a person would be attracted to her, they come over, they may be by her drink or something. And she would practice she would practice healthy interaction, she would calibrate and recalibrate. And then she would just say, thank you so much. It’s been delightful talking to you. I’m going home now. And she believe. So it wasn’t going to go anywhere. She was practice dating. And it allowed her to gain confidence in her ability to actually know what was going on and to be staying centered in her head, not in her feelings for a while, so that she was practicing making that recalibration. She was learning to measure differently. That wasn’t just that someone paid attention to her and thought that she was beautiful and bought her things and wooed her. She wanted a man that she felt was healthy. And so she did some practice dating. There are lots of ways that we can recalibrate. But it’s absolutely important that we do it. That we may have been raised in a family that had dysfunction disorder or dysregulation. That’s all we knew. So what are we going to use to measure another possibility? That’s a hole we have so we use it, but because you’ve been through the realization phase, you realize this is not what I want. This is not good enough for me. And then you’ve been in recovery. So you have all that information and you’ve changed your mind. You’ve changed your perspective, you’ve changed your point of view. And now you’ve recalibrating and recalibrated. And then you feel you can trust yourself. Trust yourself, how many people have said to me, I want to go dating, but I don’t trust myself to choose wisely. I don’t trust other people to not all be Hijackals. And that’s a very valid point. Because after you’ve been with a Hijackal, or two, and the woman I told you about the did the practice dating, she had had three of them in a row, married to all three, you know, in serial, and finally figured it all out. And as much healthier and happier now. But when you have had that kind of background, you don’t want to repeat it. And the only way to not repeat it is to get very conscious and intentional about learning how not to and recalibrating becomes very important at that point. So these are the three phases of healing from emotional abuse, realization, recovery, and recalibration. And why it takes so long to heal. You may have had past trauma, you may currently be experiencing trauma, you may be very used to taking on the blame for things that don’t go well, or having heard from others that everything is your fault. And you may not want to admit to calling it abuse until now.
That’s why it may take a while who wants to think they’re being abused, I understand that completely. Who was to think that they would allow themselves to be abused to nobody. But it sneaks up on you with a Hijackal, doesn’t it? You know, it’s like that urban myth of how to cook a frog. You put the frog in cold water on the stove, and you’ve very, very, very slowly turn up the heat and the frog doesn’t notice. Well, that’s pretty much like dating and getting into a long term relationship with a hijack call that he keeps being turned up and turned up. And excuses made for why it’s getting warm in here in here. Do you relate to that you probably do if you’ve been with a Hijackal. So you can start today, even if you’re in a relationship with a Hijackal right now, you can start you can join the emerging empowered community and start to think differently, you can go as I said, to join in today.com. And and choose, choose to join in, choose to talk with other people find like minded people find people who are on the same stage of the journey as you are. So go to join in today.com. But you can start from right within the relationship and get support for making the decision whether to go or whether to stay. And then you want to pull back and observe. You want to be observing yourself, you want to be observing the relationship, you want to be observing this small change because change comes by in small increments. You want to do it as small steps and nanoseconds. No big huge thing is going to occur. But it’s going to be cumulative, you’re going to get better and better and better. And once you decide that you deserve to be healthy. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship, and that you have calibrated to make that small adjustments to measure accurately the people that you’re meeting, then you can count on yourself and go Well, I think I’m safe. I can go out in the world I can see Hijackals They’re no longer hidden from me. I can unmask them in a moment with a few questions or a little bit of time. And I know I can count on myself. So I hope this has been helpful to you. And until we speak again. Take very good care of yourself because you’re precious and you matter toxin. Thank you for joining me on the save your sanity podcast today. I hope you’ve had some new insights, some ideas and strategies to help you gain clarity and confidence from moving forward toward greater emotional health and safety. You deserve that and so to your children, if you found value here and would like to support this podcast you The dollar of five each month. Please do so at patreon.com/save your sanity? Learn more about how to work with me via video conference, join me optimize circles or subscribe to this podcast on my youtube channel at my website transforming relationship.com Talk soon
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