You are kind, patient, considerate, compassionate, and nice. Perfect Hijackal Bait!
Sure, all people with those traits are not Hijackal Bait, but, if you've been around Hijackals in your growing up years, you may be normalized to accommodating the unkind, obnoxious, and demanding behavior of other people. If that's the case, you are Hijackal Bait...and they can smell it!
Horrible, right? You didn't choose your home environment so why should you have to go through all this? Precisely because you didn't choose it, you now have to choose again. And, it's hard! I know that because I had to walk through it, too.
You need to know that all the things the Hijackal is blaming you for are not likely your fault. Bigger, though, is that you have to know that becoming a doormat or a pretzel was also not your fault. You were set up for it from an early age. I hope that's reassuring and that this is even more: you can change all that! I help my clients escape the endless cycle of crazy-making behavior, alienation, and constant drama in troubled relationships. Been there, done that, and have the ugly video and T-shirt. I really can help.
THREE BIG REASONS WHY HIJACKALS™ NEVER STOP:
1. HIJACKALS NEED TO BE IN CHARGE.
In order to appease their constant fear of not being right, powerful, in charge, and in control, they have to have--and maintain--power over you in all things. No matter how small.
I had one client who was a doctor. She held lives in her hand. Yet, when she and her husband came to see me, it was immediately apparent to me that he saw, and treated her, as incompetent and incapable. And, then he complained about that as though he was having to put up with living with a child. Hijackal? He said he could not trust her to call a plumber, make a meal, or take care of their new baby. He HAD to do it because ....
No, he didn't have to do it. No, she was not incapable or incompetent. HE had a NEED for control. He was, of course, hoping that he could manipulate me into seeing all that he had to put up with and to prove to her how wrong she was by getting me to agree with him. NO! That didn't happen. What did happen, though, was that he could finally see that he was resentful because he felt like her parent, and once he saw that he was the one choosing to have the perspective and behavior of a parent, he could choose to give that up. When I last saw them, things were much better. But, as we know with Hijackals, that might have been short-lived!
2. HIJACKALS NEED TO KEEP YOU IN UNCERTAINTY
They like to keep you second-guessing yourself, particularly. They'll say one thing one day, and the opposite the other while swearing that they never said the first thing and you made it up. Sound familiar?
The wife in a couple I worked with came with the major complaint that she was kept in poverty while her husband spent as he liked on his toys. Hijackals like to immediately take control of the money in relationships. Her Hijackal husband asked her to take charge of the finances early in the relationship, knowing that it was not her strong suit. Then, when she failed, he took away everything, except her insufficient household money. From then on, he felt he had an ironclad reason for calling her incapable, incompetent, and untrustworthy, which he did all too often.
From early in the relationship, he manipulated her with money. Even though they had enough money coming into the household, he would shortchange her household account and tell her she should be smart enough to figure out how to manage. Was she safe? Is she safe? Will there be enough? Will he take away more? Uncertainty...all the time.
3. HIJACKALS ALWAYS FIND FAULT WITH YOU
You can never be good enough for a Hijackal. You can win the lottery, give the Hijackal everything, and you will still be the person who didn't contribute enough, do enough, care enough, be patient enough. You cannot win...because a Hijackal MUST!
So, Hijackals find fault, speak fault, and broadcast your faults to all who will listen. In fact, a Hijackal will tell you that no one else would want you because you're such a hot mess! That's the way they control you further. They erode your self-esteem...and you let them. Of course, it is sneaky and done over time. Then, they confuse you by having periods--usually short--where they treat you as though you are precious to them, but that's because they want something. As soon as they get it, they are back to talking trash about you.
One client came to me in a truly broken down, desperate state. His Hijackal was leaving him with huge debts, alienating his only child from him, and frivolously calling the police and Child Protective Services with made-up complaints. Anything she could think of that would tear him down and put his reputation in a bad light was fair game to her. Never mind that she had a long, proven, and admitted to life of drug and alcohol addiction, she still had the gall to try to destroy his life. None of her sotires were true, but she continued, nonetheless. Why? Because he was a faultless, loving, good guy...and she couldn't stand it.
That's what Hijackals do. They are threatened by you because you breathe, and this drives their need to make your wrong, discredit you, tear you down, and constantly find fault.
HIJACKALS NEVER STOP, SO, WHY MUST YOU STOP ALL THIS?
Because YOU MATTER! It's time to treat yourself as though you do. See the Hijackal behaviors for what they are. No special interest pleading for the downsides of your particular Hijackal, either! You've likely done that for too long.
Yes, you can justify the Hijackal's behavior. That's what got you into this relationship in the first place.
Yes, you can rationalize your Hijackals behavior--s/he is having a bad day, a bad week, a bad year, or a bad time--but it's all still bad behavior.
Yes, you can make excuses for your Hijackal. You've been doing that for forever.
Do you care about yourself? Do you care about your children? Do you matter? Do the children matter? If your answer is "Yes!" it's time to see the Hijackal traits clearly, and stop hoping they are going to change. The only way they ever change is to escalate! Believe me. It's your time to take back your power and keep it.
If this rings true for you, start by reading my free ebook, How To Spot A Hijackal, here: Hijackals.com If you're ready to make some change, I can help: Free consultation Blog and website: ForRelationshipHelp.com