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18 Reasons Why Emotional Abusers Prefer People Pleasers

When you deeply think about these eighteen reasons, you’ll recognize eighteen things you can heal so you won’t attract, or keep, an emotional abuser.

It’s a BIG step to recognize these because you are capable of changing…especially when you know exactly what and why to change. The Hijackal – the emotional abuser –  will not change. You will…once you clearly see what needs to change!

Emotional abuse is something you get used to even while you’re hating it. It needs to stop, right? In this episode, you’ll recognize steps you can take to make that so, and feel good.

HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY’S EPISODE:

  • 18 reasons that Hijackals are drawn to people pleasers
  • Definition of people-pleasers & their traits
  • Insights into what you need to heal to say no to emotional abuse
  • How Hijackal parents set you up for Hijackal relationships
  • Using the Personal Weather Report

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RAW TRANSCRIPT

So we’re going to talk about 18 reasons why emotional abusers prefer people pleasers, and people pleasing is such a prevalent word that we use these days. But do we really understand what it means and I’m wanting to really debrief that with you because people pleasers give other people the power to veto or reject them. And what could be more attractive to Hijackal then a person who will give the Hijackal the power to veto and reject them. Wow. Now that’s not even on my list of 18 reasons.

So think about that a people pleaser. According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, is a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of their own needs and desires. So they have this need to please this desire to please. And they often confuse people pleasing with being kind. And please don’t confuse those two, you can be kind and not a people pleaser. Because a people pleaser has very, very porous boundaries, if they have any boundaries at all. And that lack of boundaries is what causes them to feel resentment to feel taken advantage over.

But then because of their own upbringing and training, when they feel that someone else is taking advantage of them or they feel resentful. Then they beat themselves up and say I shouldn’t feel resentful. That’s not what a good person does what’s wrong with me. And they don’t look outward at the relationship to see how they may be being used and abused.

So really important items to listen to today. Not only are there 18 reasons why emotional abusers prefer people pleasers, but the equivalent of that will be what you will hear 18 possible ways that you can heal your life so that you won’t be attracted or keep on being with a Hijackal. So from both sides of the equation, this is very important things and people pleasers, they just hope to get approval and appreciation and validation from other people. And then they pretend they don’t want it.

So very, very confusing because they have a distorted idea of what it means to be nice, and what it means to be kind and they don’t have a balance between concern for themselves and concern for others, compassion for themselves and compassion for others, a balance between their needs and other people’s needs and desires and ones so very important pieces and just things that the Hijackal is quite wow that’s perfect. You’re pre groomed to allow me to be emotionally abusive.

 

So let’s jump in now and look at these 18 ways that a people pleaser becomes a Hijackals dream.

And eventually the people pleasers nightmare.

So the first one is that people pleasers tend to have low or shaky self esteem. So they’re, they’re not feeling all that terrific about themselves are certainly not going to be putting themselves out as confident, as confident or as assertive, as would be healthier. So that may be just an underlying theme that sometimes your self esteem is shaky.

And then the second way would be that you have impaired self esteem. So someone has dragged you down or put you down, maybe a Hijackal parent who has then given you the wrong idea of who you are. And you’ve accepted that, and I hope every single one of us does not accept that other people know, best. You know, if you ever meet someone who says, I know you better than you know yourself, see that as a great big red flag, okay? Because think about it…

If someone thinks they know you better than you know, yourself. Either you need to be knowing yourself a lot better, or else they’re gaslighting you. And that’s one of the hallmarks of Hijackals. So you want to notice that one. So if you have a lower shaky self esteem, or if you had impaired self esteem, because someone described you, you to yourself in ways that made them happy, but was not true about you. And when we’re children, that happens a lot. And I’ve talked about that many, many times.

Okay, so let’s get on with these more reasons. So number three Hijackal really loves the fact that a people pleaser wants to be liked, and needs to be liked. there and you’re just a prize candidate for love bombing, right? Because you get love-bombed you can’t believe you’re not because this person adores you, this person hears you, they see you, they will do for you, they will give to you, they will recognize they will be so wonderful. And so you just perk up and think this is perfect.

And so they’ve got your number right then and there. Because if you really want need to be liked, I Hijackal will give that to you in the beginning, just enough to hook you. Or as I say in my book escaping the Hijackal trap. There’s a whole chapter called the gotcha factor. And that’s exactly what’s happening there. So you want to be needed and liked and they want to scoop you up so they can be their abusive selves. And we need to recognize that and don’t be afraid to call it abuse. That’s what it is.

Right? Get that. Emotional abuse.

Always remember what it is. It is controlling another person by criticizing embarrassing shaming, blaming, discounting, dismissing didn’t priming or denying their rights needs, wants thoughts, feelings and equality. That is abuse. That is emotional abuse. That’s my definition. And it’s really important to be able to say, I am being emotionally abused, recognize it.

Don’t pretend, don’t make excuses. Don’t rationalize, don’t justify, see it and know it and be able to name it so important because that’s a big step to your healing, to be able to actually say, Yes, I am being emotionally abused. And I know that I recognize it and I don’t like it a bit.

And that will be the beginning of your healing journey to number four.

What do people pleasers do? They’re not good at standing up for themselves. They will let people roll over them because they don’t want to tell the person they’re wrong because they want the person to learn Make them. So they will not speak up when they’re hurt. They will not speak up when they’re put down. And they will not stand up for themselves when they feel they’re being bulldozed or rolled over.

So a Hijackal says, Oh, great, there’s no resistance here. I can just push on through, I can push that person over. I can play with their emotions, because they’re not going to take a stand. They’re not going to stop and say, No, they’re not going to have that.

So another way that that shows up is that people pleasers are conflicted verse, and conflict avoidant. So instead of speaking up, or instead of saying, No, that doesn’t work for me, or no, I’d prefer something else. They go, Well, if that’s what you really want, and they think they’re being kind, they think they’re being compromising. But there are fine lines between those things, it’s really important to understand where those fine lines meet, and don’t meet and where you’re in dangerous territory.

Okay, so we’ve got four things already four reasons Hijackals prefer people pleasers. And you can hear the flip side of them already, because you need to shore up your self esteem, you need to fix any impairment, your self esteem, you, you, of course, want to be liked, but you don’t need to be liked.

That is not what has to happen here. So if you feel this great need that I will pay a high high price, because I need to be liked, your price may be way too high, and you’re not getting any good return on your investment. And then number four was your maybe conflict avoidant, or conflict adverse, and so you don’t speak up for yourself. And we need to fix those things.

So number five is you’re not good at being assertive. Now I make a difference between standing up for yourself, which means no, you can’t speak to me that way. Or no, I won’t accept that. But being assertive means to know that you have the right and you accord yourself the right to say what you think feel need, want prefer. And remember, at any time, with my caveat, as long as you do not mention another human by name or pronoun, you have the right to say what’s going on within you, and use my personal weather report technique.

That’s the safest way, the most solid way to learn to communicate. And if you haven’t heard about my personal weather report, it’s in my book Kaizen for couples. Also, if you go to my YouTube channel, same as my website, forrelationshiphelp. So youtube.com/forrelationshiphelp and just do a search on personal weather report, and you will find a couple of videos I’ve done on it.

So we want to get better at being assertive, so that Hijackals won’t think we’re going to lay down and play dead every time to please them. That makes them very happy. But then then, two seconds later making you wrong for being weak. Have you noticed, you cannot win, it’s always the flip. If you do it one way, you’re wrong. If you do it the other way, you’re wrong, you cannot win, because Hijackals always have to win. That’s their game. So they will flip all the time.

So number six is people pleasers are quick to apologize, even though they may not have done anything that requires an apology. But they’ll apologize. Maybe in some cases, people pleasers are actually apologizing for taking breath and taking up space. Because they just feel that, oh, I shouldn’t I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t have anything to say I shouldn’t get in the way of anything. And that may be a product of your upbringing. B

ut you know, the good news is that any of these things that I’m talking about, you can change, you can’t change the Hijackal, but you can change things about yourself. And all of these things I’m talking about today are things that you may need to have someone help you and as I said, I’m always happy to be that person go to be a client calm.

So we’ve got this quick to apologize behavior. I don’t want to be wrong. I don’t want to be in their bad books. I don’t want to I don’t want to rock the boat kind of thing. So you apologize for things you didn’t do. You apologize for things that weren’t your fault. And Hijackals love that. They love to have you apologizing for things you didn’t do because it gives them power.

So number seven, is you go along with what other people want even when it’s not what you want, and you think it’s keeping the peace, or not rocking the boat, but it’s a roading yourself all the time, oh, well, I never get to do what I want. But that’s very selfish of me to want to do what I want. So I should be alright with that. And there must be something wrong with me because I’m not alright with that. And then there you are beating yourself up. And that’s inappropriate. Because if you had a healthy balance between the other person in yourself, you would feel that that relationship was imbalanced that you were both being able to speak up and talk about what you wanted, and what you would like to do or where you would like to go equally with the other person. And that’s really important.

So we could get into a situation where we’re constantly going along with other people and what they want, and being really miserable while trying to put a smile on her face. That makes you very attractive to a Hijackal. But it really hurts your soul. So don’t do it. Okay, I know I make that sound so simple, but get some help so that you won’t fall into that trap.

And number eight is people pleasers are unclear about how they feel. So that’s one of the reasons they find it difficult to speak up. Because they don’t think about how they feel. And when they do think about how they feel. They think they shouldn’t feel that way. Because it’s not a good feeling. And so that’s very appealing to Hijackals because then they’ll tell you how to feel they’ll tell you how you do feel they will gaslight you and project onto you. And that’s attractive to them.

But when you start standing against them, No, I actually know what I think and what I actually know how I feel. And what you’re describing is not how I feel. So if you’d like to know how I feel, you’re welcome to ask. But that is not how I feel. When you get to that place, you are now becoming assertive. And that’s really important.

So number nine, is that people pleasers tend to become over givers. And so they don’t recognize it. They’re just giving and giving and giving and giving and giving till they have nothing left to give and they don’t recognize it. But they resent it. But what could be better? If you’re a Hijackal? Give everything to me. I don’t care how tired you are. I don’t care if you have no money. I don’t care if you have no car. I don’t care about anything. As long as I do I have the adoration. Or if I don’t have your adoration, at least you’re afraid of me.

Oh, that’s awful, isn’t it. But it’s absolutely accurate. That’s how Hijackals are. So it may be a mild case that they’re putting out there may be a very severe, abusive, ugly, horrible case. So if you’re an over giver, you may think that over giving makes you nice. You know, people like you, if you give them everything even more than you have, they will like you. And then you do it maybe in the name of compassion. Oh, well, I have it so I can give it and then you don’t have it. And when you’re ill did the people that you gave everything to do they come along and say oh, let me fill your bucket. Let me fill you all back up for all the things you gave to me. Not a chance.

If there are Hijackal. They’re saying, I don’t care if you’re sick, I need my breakfast. I don’t care if you’re sick, go, you know, go to work, they don’t care. So if you get into a place where you are over giving, and you think it’s being nice, and it’s being kind, and it’s something that you do frequently, of course, we all do those things occasionally, because they make sense. But if we do it as a way of being in the world, we fall prey to just painting a big red sign on us saying pick me to a Hijackal Because you’re pre groomed, you’re pre conditioned to put up with their abuse. And yes, we’re going to call it abuse because that’s what it is.

Then number 10 is you’re always busy taking care of other people. people pleasers are always busy, busy, busy, busy, and it’s getting ready to or taking care of or, or moving from one place to the other to make a contribution. And that sounds very noble, but actually it’s very unhealthy. We always want to have a balance between compassion for others and compassion for ourselves. And remember, self care is not selfish.

Self Care is not selfish. And if you have those things a little bit out of balance or confused, I hope you’re clear now, because you can’t give a gift you don’t have. And if you’re tired or put down or worn out or sad, or overworked or confused from all of the things that have been happening, you don’t have gifts of love to give. And if you try, you will damage yourselves.

So people pleasers then make perfect partners for Hijackals today, because the Hijackal doesn’t care about your well being. They only care about their own. So if you’re busy, busy busy taking care of them, they will say, Well, why don’t you do more. And when you get tired, or you get ill, they still want to be taken care of. I had some horrible examples of that, when working with my clients. You had one one client who, who had a very bad case of COVID. And her husband said, if you want to go to the hospital, Dr. yourself, I’m too busy.

You know, that kind of thing happens. And we really need to recognize it. Don’t make excuses for the Hijackal recognize what they are doing, and call it what it is. It’s abuse. And so it’s important to see these 18 things. Absolutely.

So number 11, is what I already said, I didn’t realize I hadn’t given you the number that self care is not selfish, is what you do. So that you can give the gifts you want to give, and you have them to give, you’re not tired, you’re not worn out, you’re not worn down, you have recovered, you have taken care of yourself, you’re in balance.

So number 12 Is that you feel taken advantage of. But you think it’s not nice to think you’ve been taken advantage of that’s clear about people pleasers, they they feel like they’re being taken advantage of. But as soon as that thought comes in their mind, they’re already starting on themselves. Oh, that’s not nice. I shouldn’t think that. No, that’s your body at telling you. Things are out of balance here. And you may have been told that a person who just gives and gives and gives is a better person.

If I could abolish one saying in the world there. Two or three I’d like to but one for sure. Is I don’t know whoever brought this up, but I think it was in the 40s or 50s. Somebody made this up and made it sound spiritual. And that phrase is “give until it hurts”. Have you ever thought about that phrase? Should it be hurting you to give? Is there not something totally out of balance with that? And yet somehow we think that that’s some wonderful Maxim. No, I disagree.

And so watch, watch when those things are happening. Because if you’re taken advantage of, and you feel it, and you don’t think it’s nice to say no to that, then you are actually not being kind to that other person. And here’s why I say that. I don’t believe it’s loving, to allow another person to be unloving to you. I know that takes a bit of thinking about but I really don’t think it’s loving, to allow other people to be unloving towards you. You need to have boundaries and speak up and step up and walk away if you need to.

A people pleaser, who will swallow their own concern that they’re being taken advantage of, and just Oh take on all of the abuse, all of the nasty things that are said all the demands that are made on them, because they want the Hijackal to like them. marriage made in heaven between Hijackals and emotional abusers which same thing, and people pleasers.

So number 13. You feel resentment by what you think you’re terrible for feeling resentment. That’s how people pleasers are they’re so conditioned to want to need the approval and validation and appreciation of others. Even though they’ll say no, if they hear a thank you. They say oh, it was nothing. But that deep down, they know that there’s an imbalance and they want something for themselves. And they deserve something for themselves. So number 13 is people pleasers feel resentful, but then they think it’s terrible that they feel that way. No resentment is a sign that you’re out of balance. The relationship is out of balance. So notice that for sure. And be very, very clear.

And number 14 is that people pleasers often feel invisible. They feel used and abused. And yet they think, Oh, well, I didn’t do enough. And they can feel quite invisible. You’ll do doo doo for somebody, and they will won’t even say thank you, they’ll just expect you to do for them. And you’re waiting patiently for at least some morsel of appreciation, you’re not going to get that from a Hijackal, except when they really want something from you that they think you won’t give them. So if you find that you feel invisible, that people are without really noticing you or remembering you, or taking you into account that people pleasing nature will cause a Hijackal to say, Oh, that’s wonderful, I will not have to bother with them. They won’t expect anything from me and they’ll be just be happy to have me in their life. That’s bad. Right?

So let’s look at number 15. Big issue here, the three must haves of healthy adult relationships. Well, where people pleasers do not ask for equality, reciprocity and mutuality in their relationships, they don’t balance it out, they don’t have boundaries to balance it out. And they do not insist that things be equal, reciprocal mutual, or if they don’t feel like insisting they don’t observe that things are not equal, reciprocal and mutual, and therefore make a decision to go elsewhere to look for something healthier, because they’re in that mode of really wanting to please that person.

And that’s one of the reasons that people who leave Hijackals Go back, is because they’re still trying to please that person. And they’re looking for that elusive validation from just that person. It’s very complex, as you know. And we need to see these very fundamental pieces, that if we have been trained to be a people pleaser, and we’ve been told that that will make us a quote unquote, good person, you can see the downfalls of it in this broadcast, it’s not going to work for you, it will never work for you with Hijackals or not with Hijackals, because it will never have equality, reciprocity and mutuality.

So if you haven’t listened to Episode 115, before, I highly recommend that you do.

Now, number 16, is people pleasers are stressed and anxious and burned out. So they give in more easily. Well, from all the 15 things I’ve already mentioned, of course, you’re going to be stressed and anxious and burned out perhaps. And then they’re going to ask for more and more and more. And you’re going to feel more stressed, more anxious and more burned out. But the Hijackal knows that that’s your nature, that you will do that. And then they will push it until you’re so emotionally and physically exhausted, that you have nothing left. And at that moment, get help, okay, get help. If you if you want to talk to me, I’m happy to help go to be a client.com that will help you immensely even if you only use the one hour and don’t continue to work with me it will help. So know that you can reach out and do that.

Now number 17 reasons that emotional abusers are drawn to people pleasers is that other people tell you, you’re over giving and being abused. And you turn around and make excuses for the Hijackal Oh, they’re tired. Oh, they’re stressed. Oh, they had a bad childhood. Well, they promised they’re going to stop drinking. They Oh, they i Yeah, they used all our money. But you know, it was an outlet for them. Those are all justifications, those are rationalizations for poor treatment, which equals abuse.

But if you’ve gotten into that habit in your mind, if you’ve gotten into that mindset, as they say, if you just because you have a mental habit of saying, Oh, well, you know, I’ll just is okay, it’s only me. Well then do it for your children’s stand up in your back legs, because you’re demonstrating to your children who are observing you in a Hijackal relationship that you’re over giving and, and and over forgiving. And then you’re being abused, and you’re demonstrating and modeling that for your children.

So if you won’t take heart and heed to that I said to it on behalf of your children do not Give them the model that you are going to over, give over extend and allow yourself to be abused. You don’t want them to do it because you’re not feeling good about it. So let’s not teach them to do it to see how important all these things are. And you may not have thought about them in this way, which is what was so important about this episode.

And the last one. The last reason why emotional abusers prefer somebody who’s a people pleaser is that they don’t know what healthy love is. people pleasers do not know what Healthy Love is, or what it feels like or what it looks like, or what it sounds like.

So they won’t be expecting Healthy Love .

So great. You don’t know what healthy love is. Neither does the Hijackal by any stretch of the imagination, but they can see that they have a way to have power over you to use and abuse you.

And so these 18 reasons why emotional abusers prefer people pleasers are also 18 ways you can heal so that you will stop attracting or staying with a Hijackal.

So I hope that they have really been things that you can chew on it that you will think about them a lot. Go back and listen to this episode again and write them out. Am I doing this? Where did I learn to do this? What would I need to do to change this about myself. So I will stop being attractive to Hijackals Those people who want to use and abuse you step over you and exhaust you. So very, very important.

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