Whether your mother had narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, or antisocial tendencies, she will have lied to you to make herself superior. Time to uncover the lies, and be free!
You don't have to wonder where your self-doubts came from if you were raised by a mother who had narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, or antisocial--Hijackal®--tendencies. She made sure you learned to walk on eggshells, second-guess yourself, and question your sanity! She would never let you feel good enough. Right?
In fact, she competed with you every second, on some level. And, she always HAD to win!
A narcissistic mother has to be at the top of the pile. She'll make sure she stays there, too. So, where does that leave you? At the bottom somewhere. Now, yes, you may be what is called her "Golden Child," the child who can do no wrong. She may haven one of those, especially if you have siblings. She may also choose on "Scapegoat Child," the one who can NEVER do anything right. And, the other siblings will be lost in the mix.
If your mom was like mine--and I was an only child--she just simple competed with me on every level all the time. So, how did she do that? By withholding approval, withholding acceptance, withholding affection, and withholding attention. It wasn't that she could play the piano or do other things I did. She didn't--and couldn't compete there--but, she simply ran hot and cold about my abilities. Such a Hijackal! One minute, she's telling the world about competitions I won and getting the credit for paying for all those music lessons, and the next, she's telling me that it's so annoying that I make so much noise practicing all the time. No-win situation!
Today, I'm talking about twelve ways your narcissistic mother, your borderline mother, your histrionic mother, or your antisocial mother will have lied to you about who you are. They cannot help it. They just have to do it. And, at deep levels, you had no choice but to take it in and believe it. It was, and is, emotional abuse!
Hijackals ® behave badly. They have an absolute need to have power and control over others. They are invested in keeping you down, controlled, and as powerless as possible. They feel they have done that when you are second-guessing yourself, and questioning your sanity.
When you've had a Hijackal mother, you have a lot of unpacking to do, to unearth and replace all the lies she told you about not being good enough, competent, capable, and more. Please take the time to do this. You matter, and your life can be so much more free, rewarding, and fulfilling when you don't believe the lies your mother told you. You can have healthy relationships that are emotionally intimate, once you stop believing her. She was wrong!
MACHINE GENERATED TRANSCRIPT. Apologies in advance for unusual sentences or typos.
Today's program is brought to you by the passive aggressive checklist. If you think there is someone in your life, and of course all high juggles are passive aggressive, just not all passive aggressive people are hijackals. If you want to learn more about those behaviors, take the passive aggressive checklist. It's easy, it's free. Just go to passive aggressive checklist.com so today I want to talk to you about a really big thing. I haven't spoken about it very much. I'm going to do more in the future, but this is a bit longer broadcast today because I want to talk to you about 12 ways that your hijackal parent, particularly your mother may have lied to you about who you are and you didn't know any better. So you believed it and you went on your merry way. Thinking that of course she's right. Well she wasn't.
So I just want to talk to you about these things I've written about them. And it's really important to understand what your mother gave you before you could say no thank you. So this is a really big important issue and hope you'll listen and share this with your friend. You probably listen more than once, but do share it with your friends. They could have been in influenced in the same way. So if you're raised by a narcissistic mother or a hijacker mother of any kind, you don't have to wonder where your self doubts came. She made sure that you would learn to walk on eggshells and always be second guessing yourself. I know mine did. And Ray, from the time you made your entrance into this world, you were in danger. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. When you were a tiny baby, you were perfect.
Everyone looked at you, queued at, you, told your mother how beautiful you were, and she basked in the attention after all, you were her product and she had done well. Now your father was proud of you at and of your Mama. So it was perfect. And then how dare you. You started to become a little person. Your father could interact with you and mom was left out. You could do things on your own and let your feelings be knowing you were no longer an extension of your mother. You were no longer something she had done. Well, the limelight started to shift to you. Oh, horror's unacceptable. Mother would have nothing of this and she had to be covert about it. After all, who's jealous of their baby? You can't say that out loud. So instead mom acted out. She became covertly but fiercely competitive and the rest is history game on.
And unfortunately that game with a narcissistic mother never end. I remember one hot summer evening when I was about 13 my dad was away fishing. He was a commercial fishermen, so that was his job. Clever man. He found a way to be away from her. That's what I called her for six months of the year. I deeply resented that he left me to fend for myself with the monster. All that time and that's the way I thought of my borderline narcissistic mother in my mind. She was her dad's away and mum and I are actually close to having a bonding moment, at least as close as it ever came. I remember it so well. We were laying on my mom's bed in the sticky heat and she raised her leg and she started to admire the curves of her leg. So silly me. I was about 10 years old.
I made the mistake of raising my leg and pointing out that mine was just like hers. Game on. No, her leg was curvier, more shapely lovelier, and she wouldn't let it go. And I'm not pulling your leg. That's the way it was with a narcissistic mom. She must win and don't even get me started on the battles of bras sizes. A narcissistic mother is a force of nature. She'll cut you down, wash you out, and make you wrong for being wet and bleeding. And if you're her daughter, she will compete with you down to the smallest insignificant details. You feel it constantly, but as a child, you want to please her. Yet. She's like the Red Queen in Alice in wonderland. She seems to never be pleased unless she's winning. One thing is sure you will never win. She will withhold her love, withhold her acceptance and her approval of you in order to always have power over you if you're her son, she wants your full attention.
She wants you to see her as the standard for all women in your life forever, and when you begin to notice girls, she demands your homage and when you begin to date all my goodness, everything breaks loose. No one will be good enough for you because no woman stands a chance next to her. Of course, this will all be covert and underground. She'll say one thing and do another. She'll be coy about it, sometimes almost flirtatious keeping you and everyone else in confusion and chaos. That's her specialty. Now, you won't really know if your mother is a narcissist because that's a clinical diagnosis and narcissists don't go to psychological clinics. You know that they're perfect. There's nothing wrong with them. So you'll actually never know if she fits the criteria in most cases, which is why I created the term high jackals. Those are those relentlessly difficult, toxic and disturbing people in life.
And all high jackals drink from the same pool of traits. So it's about behaviors. It really doesn't matter whether she's narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, or antisocial, she's a hijack hall and they're all going to parent in the same way. So starting early in your life, you never had a chance to escape from the competition. You didn't ask to enter. You were born into it. You didn't know anything different. A narcicisstic mom shapes you in ways that confuse and confound you on so many levels, but because she's always right, and don't you dare forget that you are left with very few options after you need her to survive. You might be asking, where was my father and all this? Well, he was quite likely, already defeated and he found ways to escape. He worked too much. He played too much, or he slept too much. He knew that if he showed great interest in me, my mother's competitive streak with lash out and it wouldn't be pretty so much as he loved to me.
I think he feared her more and that's the way it was until he passed. So a narcissistic mother is a dangerous though often covert, sneaky, hidden thing. She's Wiley. She puts on a great face for the community. She seems to be the salt of the earth and she speaks proudly of you like your her possession. So people are wary but usually duped by her. Great show of affection for you in public, in private though you feel like the scum of the earth. Does that sound familiar to you? I know how I feel when I even say those words. So how did this affect you? You likely know a few ways, but I want to share these 12 ways that her behavior and her competitive nature and her need to win really lied to you about who you really are. And I want you to really think about these things because they're not true.
She was lying to you and they may be still things that are in the bedrock of who you are and maybe today you can expose them, give them up, get some help. I'm always here to help you remember, go to for relationship help.com we can work together. I work through video conferencing with my clients all over the world, but you don't have to stay with these lies your mother told you. So let's talk about these 12 lies. Number one, your too much trouble. Your narcissistic mom, she resented everything that went into child rearing. She tried to get out of it as much as possible, leaving you to fend for yourself. Maybe you were to be seen and not heard unless you were excelling at something that she could bask in the glory of and take credit for. Otherwise, you ask too many questions. You wanted too much and generally you are not worth bothering with.
Number two, your not good enough. You're a narcissistic mother or hijack or mother of any stripe could not possibly let you feel good about yourself even when you excelled at something. She withheld her approval. If she didn't keep the lid on your self esteem, she feared you would out shine her. So no matter what a small Ambetter life she was leading, she lived in constant fear that you would be seen as better than her and she wasn't having any of that. And number three, you're not worth spending time with your hijack. Old Mom did not enjoy raising you or being with you. She wanted a baby who would be a mini me and that didn't happen. Her idea of a good time was to find ways to be appreciated and significant and you, you couldn't provide that. You were little and incapable or maybe just uninteresting to her.
She needed validation from adults and you were just a means to an end for getting that. You though were not capable of providing all of the Omar's she needed aside from needing the income. You are not your high Jekyll mother, your narcissistic mother probably worked in order to give herself the opportunity of having others appreciate her. You may have been a latchkey kid and maybe for no other reason than she couldn't give. You couldn't give her. Got that one backwards, just like my narc mother would have liked me to for no other reason. Then you couldn't give her what she needed and wanted from you. Absolute appreciation and adoration because you're a kid. Number four, you're not enough is similar to the one that you're not good enough, but it's different because you couldn't fulfill her needs so you may have been pushed to the side.
You felt as though you weren't important and she didn't care about you and you were right. Only she mattered. So then if only she matters, you can't. So she left you feeling as though you didn't matter and that may be carried on now in a way that you settle for far less of everything in life than you deserve. That's a big one to think about. Number five, your supposed to please other people, especially her, even though you're now an adult, you're still longing deep inside for your mother's love and approval. That's the way it goes. When you had an arc moment in a healthy relationship, your mom would love and approve of you just because you breathe because you're her flesh and blood, not so with a high Jekyll one you could stand on your head and spit wooden nickels for a year and she won't be pleased.
Your hijack Oh mom taught you that you had no inherent worth. Your worst came from making her look good and from doing what she wanted and told you to do and how could you possibly do that for she who will not be pleased? Number six, your not smart enough. First, you can't be smart enough because you learned early on that your high Jekyll mom always had to be smarter than you are needier than you are better than you. So you're supposed to figure out how to make that mom happy and you got that message when you were very, very little. It's not your job, but she may have turned you into a people pleasing pretzel or a downtrodden doormat time to straighten up and stand up. It's not your job to please other people. Please yourself, be happy with who you are. Live from your values, live from your vision for your life.
Live from your beliefs, not hers, and everything will work out better. Number seven, another lie your mother told you about yourself. That's not true. Your incapable, your high mom, she had to think she does everything better than you. Even if she's never even tried something, she sure she could do it better if she wanted to or she'll point out other people who do it better than you. In fact, she's so concerned with competition that she'll tell you not to even try things because you probably can't do them or you probably couldn't do them well enough and this can stop you from following your interests and learning new things. So don't let it. If that's happened to you, just say no now and go and do what it is that you think you might like to try because your mom wasn't right about that. You're not incapable.
And number eight, your incompetent. Well with a hijack. Oh Mom, you need to be perfect. That was the only standard worth achieving and that's what she thinks because she can't entertain anything that paints her as less than perfect. She's always right, therefore, well, you guessed it, you have to be wrong. Even when you're succeeding beautifully. She cannot bring herself to approve of or to reward you. High Jacko mothers are masters at moving the goalposts so that you can never be seen as achieving enough. Oh boy, so new that one did you. Your accomplishments are rarely acknowledged and are often even downplayed, so it leaves you feeling vaguely that you contribute something that is never quite enough. That's the nasty nature of Narc moms. Number nine, you can't make good decisions. She may have left you feeling like you can't make good decisions. Well, obviously if she's told you that you're incapable and incompetent, you can't make good decisions, your narc, mum will be endlessly happy to point out all three of those things.
Even if you got the Nobel prize in neuropsychology, she'll play the what if game. What if you tried harder? What if you hadn't had that education she provided? What if you hadn't spent so much time focusing on your studies? Because Heaven knows your social life is not up to par. Hijacker mothers make you second guess or so constantly. It's just crazy. Are you relating to what I'm saying here mean you could be the most brilliant person on the earth and she would find something that's wrong with you and talk about that instead. Number 10 you shouldn't take risks. What if you fail? You'll make me look bad. That's what a high Chieko Mama's all about. Looking good and keeping up her reputation. Put that with her need to compete with you and you can see you can't win. And when you do take risks and succeed, what does she do?
She downplays your accomplishments and takes credit for all she's done to make it possible. Of course, it's all about her.com again, and if you fail, it's a great big, I told you so, and whatever gave you the idea that you could rise to that you think too much of yourself. So again, you doubt yourself when opportunity presents itself. Stop doing that. That's her stuff, not yours. Number 11 you're defensive. When you had a high Jekyll mom, you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, right? Or the ax to fall. You know you cannot be right and you will be wrong because high Jacko moms are the masters of fault. Finding the potential downside of you and everything is front and center in her mind. So you learn to be always mounting a defense in your head, even after your hydroco mamas left a planet, you're always ready for the onslaught, the criticism, and the fight.
And if you talk back to her, no matter how honest or true or practical you are, you will always be accused of being defensive. And the last one, and I'm sure there are many more, but I just want to share these 12 with you today, that last one, that questions she would ask, who do you think you are? That has been the human cry from your hijack. Oh, mom says the moment you took your first step, how dare you be separate from me? How dare you make decisions on your own? How dare you not do believe except and aspire to. Exactly what I tell you is enough for you. How dare you dream big or bigger than I have. It's all about comparison with her and making her look good. And how dare you be better than she thinks she is. Oh, so there's little doubt that having a hijack, oh mom can keep you off balance and on guard every single minute.
Hi Jacko moms, they're treacherous, they're outrageous, and they're crafty. They have to be. They're running scared every second of their life. High jackals are fearful, vigilantly fearful, and it's the result of their upbringing. They don't know any other way to be. And because they have to think they're perfect. They don't seek other ways to be either. So we can have compassion for them, but we don't need to. And we particularly shouldn't condone or enable these behaviors. And if you've taken them in, say no to them. Now don't let a narcissistic or a high Jekyll mother rule your life a minute longer, especially don't let the lies a hijack or mother told you about yourself to be the truth or to be your truth. She was wrong in your mind. Make her put down her gun and step back. Don't let her hurt you anymore. Just because she was hurt does not make it acceptable that she hurt you.
So say a big no, say no to the ever running script in the back of your mind that tells you these lies, repeats these lies and replace them with the truth. You are an amazing, clear, smart, capable, confident, loving human who deserves to shine. And please don't ever let your hijack whole mother rain on your parade again. Oh so much. So important to recognize these 12 things because they'll still be in you if you haven't recognized them. They'll be lying in, wait for you to sabotage a relationship or to not even go for the life that you can possibly have. So I hope that these things inspire you to think deeply about it. Again, as I said earlier, if you need help, I'm here. Go to for relationship help.com you can have a one hour initial consultation with me as a new client and let's pickers egg out.
Let's figure out what's hiding underneath and still affecting your life. Even if your mom like mine is long gone. I'm dark too. Or a British Shaler and you're listening to save your sanity. Help for handling high Jacos. Remember, today's program is brought to you by the passive aggressive checklist. If you want to learn more about what passive aggressive checklist has to offer, go and take it as free passive aggressive checklist.com so I'll be back with a new episode next week. Until then, think really hard about what I've said today because you can have a better life free and out from the shadow of a hijack. Mother talk soon.
I'm so glad you spent this time with me today. I hope you heard something that touched your heart and empowered you to move forward. You can have the life and relationships that you most want and that begins with you within you today. I'm always here for you. Life can get better, and you heard that from me. The relationship health doctor, I'm a British Shaner and I work with clients throughout the world through video conferencing. We can talk, so learn firstname.lastname@example.org for relationship. H E l p.com or visit me on youtube for relationship help. Join me for next week. Show.