Hijackal Humans are different than Healthier Humans. You look to them to think, think & feel the way you do, but they don’t. Know these 10 things you hope are going to show up in your relationship with a narcissistic Hijackal Human will not.
Because you’re likely a Healthier Human, you want to believe a Hijackal will change. Sadly, no. The relationship will never be healthy, balanced, and loving. It’s not what a Hijackal wants!
HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:
- Why you will never get equality from a Hijackal, a narcissistic person
- Ten things you’ll never get that you really, really want from a partner
- Why the three must-haves of a healthy adult relationship will be missing
- Why it’s time to recognize that nothing you do will change this for more than a hot minute
I’m here to help. Let’s talk soon.
Other episodes you may find helpful:
AI Transcript of The Hijackal Haze:
You may feel like you have absolutely no choice when it comes to life with a Hijackal (my trademarked term for a relentlessly difficult, toxic person) because you just feel that internal pull. It’s like you go somewhat brain dead, and you can’t figure things out. Things get all fuzzy. What’s happening? It’s the “Hijackal Haze!” those difficult, toxic and often disturbing people in your life.
There is a way to stop being controlled by another human being (a Hijackal). And even if you don’t feel like you are being controlled, your feelings or your thoughts about yourself are probably being manipulated. So today, I’m going to talk about how hormones keep you hooked on Hijackals and hope.
You know, falling in love is great. There is no question that it’s great. It feels good. Your step is lighter, and your smile is wider. Your cares are diminished. And your judgment is off by 10 miles, right? You’re hooked. You know you’ve got those rose-colored glasses on, and they obliterate the red flags that are flying everywhere. So what keeps those rose-colored glasses cemented on your face? Hormones.
Those hormones help you respond to primal things and reduce your ability to think. You basically feel more than you think. Hormones make risk-taking more acceptable and attractive, especially for men. And decision-making becomes calamitous in both men and women. You know, there’s that old song from the 70s by Trooper, and they say, “We’re here for a good time, not a long time” (if not, my Canadian roots may be showing!). Well, that’s what hormones are having you think that is fine in the moment. You don’t think about the long term effects. You know, and studies show that females showed faster response times for high-risk options when their progesterone levels were higher, but they chose low risk more often when estrogen is imbalanced.
So progesterone isn’t associated with falling in love. But cortisol is significantly higher when we’re falling in love. And it’s kind of suggested stress and arousing conditions that’s associated with that initial social contact. You know, oh, they’re just so drawn to this person. And the study concluded that falling in love, provoked transit, hormonal changes. So, okay, let’s get to the gritty nitty-gritty, you meet a new person. Chemistry is in the air. What’s happening? Neurochemistry. Falling in love lifts your spirits gives you more energy. You don’t even seem to get sleep deprived. You’re more optimistic, often too optimistic. And that clouds your judgment. You may think you found your soul mate. Oh, and every hijackal in the world wants you to think that you know, so here comes the hormone haze.
First the dopamine, it loves newness and novelty and also exciting and dopamine? Yep, it makes you dopey because you’re flooded with euphoria. You feel floaty, and your feet are off the ground. Ah, love. You know, I made some videos in there on my YouTube channel for relationship help with Dr. Helen Fisher who did the research behind match.com and other places. And she discovered that the brains of people in love, have similarities to the brains of a cocaine addict. That too is why new love creates a withdrawal effect. You so enjoy them and crave them when they’re not around. Right? Huh? Is that how you get stimulated by the craziness of hijackals? They give you increased affection when they want you, and they want something, and then they reject you and refuse to engage when they say you displease them. Chemicals heightened, and then withdraw. The only solution, just like other drugs is to quit.
So let’s learn a little more about the hormones, first; serotonin. It regulates your mood, and it falls when you fall in love. The problem with serotonin is linked to obsessiveness. You can’t stop thinking about the new love. Who cares about eating or sleeping when they are in love? You’re hooked on hormones. In fact, there’s a reason we say people are crazy in love. The hormone evidence shows that when falling in love, the same parts of the brain that light up on an MRI is the same when you’re acutely mentally ill. And we’re beginning to see a pattern here.
So we see a chemical soup here. That’s important because it’s a chemical soup when you’re falling in love. And yes, it’s lovely. There’s no taking away from that wonderful feeling. But, you know, I want you to be able to prevent yourself from falling for a hijackal, a relentlessly difficult and toxic person, a narcissistic or sociopathic person. I really want that. So you have to see the chemical soup here. So when you’re not in love, or when you’re not feeling very loving, this is a good time for you to learn these things. So I hope that’s today.
So this chemical soup is nature’s way of a messing with your judgments so that you’ll populate the world. You could just get thought out of the way and go with bodies. You know, there’ll be more babies. So what you have to do with this information, is when you’re falling in love your heart is racing, you’ve got sweaty palms, past likely adrenaline. It’s increasing your levels of cortisol, the stress hormone. So you’re excited. Oh, it’s just thrilling. Really what you’re in is a fight, flight, freeze or faint state, just as you would be in any stressful situation, but we interrupted, and we interpreted as excitement on the dating front.
Now that’s scary, because toxic people, those charming, focused, exciting hijackals out to ensnare you as quickly as possible. They need you to be thinking cloudy ways, while you need to be thinking clearly, and they need you to disregard the red flags while you need to be seeing all the red flags. Unfortunately, in a situation of heightened awareness in the body, such as falling in love, an important part of your brain shuts down your prefrontal cortex. So what do you suppose its function is? Well, here you go. Critical thinking, decision making, planning and judgment.
Again, your body wants to shut down critical thinking in favor of biology and baby-making. So, even though hijackals are totally unaware of all this research and what’s really going on in bodies biochemically, they have an innate ability to play on this. Now, they don’t know this operating system, and they don’t, know what’s really going on, but they benefit from it. And here’s how they charm you, chemicals are released, you fall for them even when you sense danger, but there’s something kind of intriguing about that too, right? And your brain-body connection betrays your long-term well being.
So you make some questionable decisions, but they seem like a good idea in the moment while your hormones are activated. Now, this can lead you into getting caught in a hijacker relationship that you simultaneously hate, but you are excited and intrigued by. That’s a big hormone hit. Now, the biggie, you’ve probably heard of this because if you’ve ever had a baby, we talked about oxytocin. But oxytocin is the big reason. It’s called the love hormone, the bonding hormone, the attachment hormone and what activates it. Intimacy. And when we’re in lust, we think it’s intimacy.
So just think of the thrill you feel when a new lover or an old one barely caresses your face in a tender moment. That skin-to-skin contact enhances oxytocin. New research from 2013 shed more light about this oxytocin thing. It showed us that oxytocin is two-faced; it makes us love. It makes us want to bond and cuddle and leap into bed, but it can cause emotional pain.
Now, this new study from North Western University shows a link between the stimulation of oxytocin in stressful social situations like being bullied at school. Having a hijacker parent and how you feel in the long term and how you get hooked on the hormones? Because it seems oxytocin is the reason why these stressful situations reverberate long after the event. And they can trigger fear and anxiety in the future.
So that’s why when people ask me I always say yes come and work with me because you have these things in your past that are resonating and making you attracted to and attractive to hijackals. This oxytocin from all stressful situations creates a familiarity. And isn’t that exactly what happens with hijackals? They trigger the love hormone, and then they reject you. And then they pull you close when they want something only to reject you later.
So this constant triggering of closeness then rejection builds fear and anxiety. You know that’s true. If you have a toxic parent, if you have a toxic partner, a toxic ex, a toxic sibling, the same things are true. You didn’t fall in love with him. But the same things go on. So this constant triggering of closeness, and then rejection sets up a chronic fear and anxiety. Do you recognize that in yourself? And it’s the reason why you long for them after you’ve been discarded, or after you wisely walked away.
You sit thinking, oh, maybe it was me. Maybe I can get them back. Oh, it was so wonderful. It wasn’t. But you have this oxytocin thing. I’m going to talk about this and hijackals and how they’re stimulated in those very relationships in another episode.
So hormones keep you hooked on hijackals, and hooked on hope. And there’s excitement in them loving you. And there’s fear and anxiety in them rejecting you and their suspension of good judgment in the love-bombing process. And there’s obsessiveness of the suspension of serotonin. So no, don’t use your hormones as an excuse. No, no, no, no, you must not succumb. Now you know why? You don’t want your hormones running your life.
So it’s time to wake up and smell the herbal tea. Recognize that hijackals keep you swimming in a hormone soup. And you’ve got to get out. That’s why I say often say, you need to get some help. Yeah, when you’re drowning in hormone soup, you can’t think straight. And if you’ve been drowning in it for a while, you’re exhausted. So I’m here to help you get out of the soup. And understand how to never get into it again, except in positive, wonderful ways with positive, wonderful people.
If that sounds good to you, I have an offer for new clients of a full one-hour session for only $97. Go to BeAClient.com. Otherwise, you can always find me and lots of good things for you at transforming relationship.com, singular, transformingrelationship.com. I hope that this really is something that stimulates your thinking and not your hormones.
Think about this. You don’t want to be ruled by things that are going on in your body, and when you use this education I’ve given you today, you’ll understand why and what’s being triggered. And you can say no to it. You can put yourself in better situations. And I hope you will you know why? Because you’re precious and you matter. And I hope you treat yourself that way. And you don’t stay hooked on hormones or hijackals.
I’m so glad you spent this time with me today. I hope you heard something that touched your heart and empowered you to move forward. You can have the life and relationships that you desire, and that begins with you within you today. I’m always here for you. Life can get better. And you heard that from me the relationship help doctor. I’m Rhoberta Shaler, and I work with clients throughout the world through video conferencing. You can learn more at for relationshiphelp.com or visit my YouTube channel, for relationship health. Join me for next week’s show.