10 Antidotes to Anxiety Caused By Emotional Abuse

When you’re living in anxiety, you cannot think clearly, right? Hijackals love to cause anxiety.

They think it gives them power, and they look for ways to control. In order to make good decisions about the relationship, you need antidotes to anxiety to recognize the emotional abuse. Listen in.

An antidote is a remedy to counteract, relieve or prevent the effects of something. Just what you need for “Hijackal bites!” And, those can stay open wounds for a long time unless you know how to close them and begin the healing process.

HIGHLIGHTS OF TODAY’S EPISODE:

• List of signs of anxiety
• 10 Hijackal ways designed to increase your anxiety
• 10 antidotes that allow you to reclaim your personal power, and shift your toxic relationship
• Some reasons why it is difficult to change your patterns…and, how to do it anyway

MACHINE TRANSCRIPT

So if you’re in a relationship with someone who is tormenting you emotionally, perhaps they’re creating a difficult situation for you on a far too frequent basis. These are the people that I call Hijackals. And I created that term so that we wouldn’t be running off to Google and deciding to make diagnoses of other people, we will look at the traits and patterns and cycles and see if they fit. If you’re dealing with a Hijackal, you need all of the tips that you’ll find in save your sanity. My definition of a Hijackal is a person who hijacks a relationship for their own purposes and needs. And then relentlessly scavenges that relationship for power for status and for control. No any, maybe one, maybe more than one. Well, tonight, we’re going to be talking about 10 antidotes to anxiety caused by emotional abuse. And what these Hijackals Do is emotionally abusive. So we want to be really on top of that. And the anxiety is a big sign that it’s happening, and that it’s being perpetuated. So wanted to give you some antidotes to that, you know, you may have had a parent who is a Hijackal, or has Hijackal traits. So you’re used to criticism and never being good enough and you meet them a goal that they set for you. And then they want something else and they’re not happy. Or they think that you should meet their needs, not they as the parents meeting your needs. Maybe you have a Hijackal partner, somebody who’s unpredictable, you don’t know who you’re going to get, you don’t know the mood you’re going to get, you don’t know whether you can ever resolve a problem, because every time you suggest there’s a problem, they tell you, it’s your fault. Maybe you’re going through this silent treatment, you have a person in your life, who wants you to come begging crawling on all fours, and apologize for things you never did before they will consider speaking to you. That’s just cruel, very abusive, not productive. Or maybe you have a person who reaches, you’re not even sure what sets them off, you may know two or three things. But then you get unexpected rages from places that you couldn’t see it coming. Or maybe they’re blame shifting, I did a whole episode on blame shifting, you say this is what I think is wrong. And they say no, that’s what’s wrong with you. So there are lots of ways then that they are constantly creating, or creating the potential for you having anxiety. So if you’re their child, you are their partner, you are their sibling, maybe it’s the person in the next office. But there are plenty of opportunities for you to feel that inequity. And you know, as I said in the episode on the three must haves have a healthy adult relationship, if there isn’t any equality, reciprocity, or mutuality. It’s a no go as far as a healthy relationship. So you’re not going to have a healthy relationship with a Hijackal. It doesn’t work that way. So I want to help you have a healthy relationship with yourself so that you can handle the Hijackals. And one of those ways is through here about these antidotes to the anxiety that they cause by the emotional abuse, they perpetrate. And you need to be able to shift your attention to yourself away from the Hijackal but to yourself, What do I need? How do I comfort myself? How do I stay still, how do I not react? That’s a big shift for most people. They’re almost afraid to do it because Hijackals like to find people who are already anxious are already a little insecure, or already willing to take just tiny bits of love and pretend that it’s a full meal tiny little bread crumbs, and pretend that that’s Thanksgiving dinner. So you’re used to not receiving what you need, you’re used to getting less than is healthy. And these spined you they just come and pick you up and take you as they are right? This one is pre groomed for me to be able to direct, manipulate, deceive, whatever it is, but they’re happy to find you, because you may not be struck. Now, let me say about the strong, there are Hijackals, who look for strong partners, because they like the challenge of being able to rip them apart. So that’s a topic for another day. But you probably know, the anxiety I’m speaking of. It goes along with being hyper vigilant, you know, always checking, where are they coming? What are they thinking, what time is it? Where did they go into what is everything done, have I made any mistakes, you have that hyper vigilance where you’re always thinking about the other person, and you’re not thinking about yourself, and that will create anxiety. And observe how the Hijackal attempts to have the upper hand. And so they want to poke you and prod you, and get you to react so that they can point the finger at you and say you’re abusive. Now, for those of you who have been listening for a while, you will know that in that situation, we call that reactive abuse, and I did an episode on it. So wherever you like to get your podcasts, just do a search on the word reactive abuse, and my name, and you’ll find it. But that’s not the topic for today, either. But I will say that if you’re if you’re enjoying being with me on on these evenings, please do consider coming and supporting the show at patreon.com/save, your sanity patreon.com/save your sanity. So let’s talk about anxiety. It’s always good to have a definition of this. And I chose the psychological definition for you from the American Psychological Association. And it is anxiety is an emotional characterized an emotional relationship characterized by sorry, it’s an emotion characterized by tension, worried thought, and physical changes, like increased blood pressure. It also is characterized by intrusive thoughts, where that person is always crawling into your mind. And they concern about what they’re going to do or what they’re thinking or what they may not do, or what they they said they would do is always intruding into your daily life. Now, that’s anxiety with a few stutters from me. But that is the psychological definition of anxiety is very uncomfortable, very uncomfortable, you’re always using energy up by being anxious, that energy could be better used and better directed to doing something more positive. So I hope to help you with that in this episode. Now an antidote. That’s pretty simple. We all know about snake bites and antidotes. But an antidote is simply a remedy to counteract the effects or relieve or protect. So we need antidotes for this. The symptoms of anxiety where they range, you don’t have to have all of them, but you have enough of them or one or two that are very severe and you will feel anxious. So it is that feeling of nervousness, tension, stress, you may not even be able to identify it easily. But you just feel it you’re you’re on edge, you’re waiting, your shoulders come up to your ear lobes, you can’t relax, you’re leaning forward, maybe you’re constricting, because you’re feeling tension, then you want to make yourself small.

Another way that you exhibit anxiety is to just have that sense of impending danger. Something’s going to happen doom and gloom, panic, something something is happening is going to happen to me. Or another example of anxiety is your heart rate starts to raise or you’re breathing more rapidly or you’re sweating or you’re trembling or you’re just exhausted and you feel tired and weak. Sometimes you can’t concentrate. Try as you might you can’t concentrate your mind is always being taken over to the Hijackal you may have sleeping problems waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to get to sleep waking up too early. And when you do wake up your mind is spinning with those intrusive thoughts I mentioned. You could have gastric problems, maybe your digestive system is complaining regularly, you don’t feel that you can eat you lose weight when you are not to be things like that will show up and you, you, you want to avoid things. So sometimes when you’re really anxious, it’s that feeling of, I just want to lay down and pull the covers over my head, I just want to avoid this, I don’t want to have any part of it. And if I can make myself small disappear or invisible, how it would be preferable. If you live with a Hijackal, I’m sure you have some of these anxious symptoms, right? Because they just go with the Hijackals need for control, they need to feel the upper hand they need to dominate, they need to manipulate they need to demonstrate their status. And so they want that power over you. And they’ll use any means to get it. I wish I could say that, it’s probably not familiar to you. But you wouldn’t be listening to save your sanity if it wasn’t. So you know, if this is sounding like something you would like my help with, you can simply use my new client one time opportunity for a full hour consultation for only 97 US dollars at B client.com. B client.com. Okay, so what do we do, man to talk about 10 antidotes to these things, I’m going to describe the thing, and then give you an antidote something to relieve the pressure. So the first thing that we have to think before we get these 10 is that, as I said earlier, the Hijackal chose you for a reason, you were maybe pre groomed to be easier for them to manage, handle manipulate, they may be already found that you had certain anxieties. And you know, in the love bombing phase, they like to ferret out all those things, and you think they’re being so attentive and caring. And and that’s a good thing to think because you don’t want to think poorly of people you’ve just met. But they’re super attentive. Well, when they turn out to be a Hijackal, you recognize that they were listening carefully for where those problems were, where those breaks were, where you were unguarded, where you perhaps were uncertain, or anxious or had been previously abused or been in a bad relationship. And they’re listening to those to say, Ah, okay, this will be easier than than I thought. And then you become even more attractive to the Hijackal. They’re putting on a good show in the beginning, they have to get you. But they are collecting information. And that information becomes ammunition. So they’re working on you. So it’s easier for them to demonstrate the dominance and the control. So the 10 things, of course, there are way more than 10. But the 10 things I’m going to talk about tonight, here, let’s go. So first and foremost, if you feel anxious, you may need my help. You may need someone else’s help wherever you get the help. But you want to learn to turn to trusting yourself.

What we do when we’re with a Hijackal and what they encourage you to do is to trust them. They will gaslight you and tell you what you think tell you what you remember Tell me tell you what you want. They will continuously gaslight you in small ways, trying to turn you to trust them to go to them for the answers not look within not believe your feelings. You know that gut instinct. Ooh, that wasn’t good. Oh, no, no, no, they’re wonderful. No, listen to that. Ooh, that wasn’t good Park. And you have intuitions you have feelings. And you you want you know what you want, you know what you need, and you don’t listen, because you’re so busy being concerned about what the Hijackal wants or needs. So the first antidote is to relax. You know, that one goes without saying, so I didn’t even put it in the 10. But relax your body, and then say no, what’s going on in my party? I’m not going to be concerned at this moment about what’s going on with the other person. I’m going to tune into myself and trust my gut. I’m going to trust my intuition. I’m going to trust my insights. I’m going to trust my feelings. And this doesn’t feel good. And let me go a little deeper. Why doesn’t it feel good? Where does it feel good? How frequently doesn’t it feel good? So that antidote is to get to that place where you can do something to relieve what’s going on? And you can counteract the effects of it, and then learn to protect and prevent That’s a really good thing, you want to be able to do that. So, turn to trusting yourself. Don’t turn to the Hijackal. Org to give you insights about yourself. They’re only too happy to do that. And it will increase your anxiety. So turn to trusting yourself. And even if you can only do it in small ways, in the beginning, do it. You don’t have to make anybody wrong to know what’s right for you, you know, I put that poster out, you can always come and join into my membership program, you can see all the posters and all of that, if you’re ready for that you can go to join in today.com and have a membership in the emerging empowered community. You get to group Ask Me Anything calls a month with your membership with me. So you can ask me questions at those times, and lots of writing back and forth among everybody, including me. So come on over if that would be helpful to you. So number two antidote, you know, the Hijackal won’t change. Well, they will get a little worse. But they will not change for the better except for a hot minute when they think they’re losing you. So you know that and so you take the blame, you want to improve? You believe the Hijackal knows better you believe the Hijackal is the go to person and the Hijackals going yes, that’s exactly what I want. But the attitude app out, the antidote to that is that you have to turn around and remind yourself, no Hijackals seldom, and that is like 1% chance my opinion Hijackals seldom change, do not let me get hooked on the idea that maybe they’ll get better. Maybe there’ll be different, maybe I’m wrong about them. So see, antidote number one, turn to trusting yourself. Number two, no, they won’t change and stop expecting it. You may be longing for it, desiring it with all your might. But it’s not going to change. Now, yes, like I said, 1%, maybe 2%. People who are just have a little tendency, but they’re not like that all the time. In fact, maybe they’re only like that once a year for 10 minutes. But the majority of people are quite entrenched in the way they are because it started when they were children. And they have never examined it. So number two is the antidote is don’t believe they’ll change. Remind yourself, they won’t. Because you have when you’re anxious, you’re listening for a promise. You’re listening for something to be better. You’re listening for love. And you’re clutching at it. Relax again. And then remember Hijackals seldom change. Okay, don’t let me go down a rabbit hole Hijackals seldom change.

Number three

Hijackals Love to rule the roost, they like to set the rules, they like to pick fights. They like to stir things up. If they’re not feeling powerful in the moment, it’s your fault. If they’re feeling very powerful in the moment. It’s because they’re so wonderful. So the antidote that allows you to meet the anxiety there is start expecting them the fight is your anxious state. But if you shift to no longer engaging now, I don’t mean the silent treatment, but the antidote to them always looking for a fight is you to be calm and nine engaging. So they poke at you, they pick at you they say things and you just use non committal responses. Oh, I didn’t know you thought that way. That’s interesting. I’ll think about it. That’s the way you respond to them. You’re not going to stoke any fires, you know, gonna try and put them out. You’re just going to be kind of benign, neutral, civil, and not engage. Because if you are already anxious, it’s much easier for them to engage you and get you to wonder how are they going to behave? What do they need, what do I need to say? Then the anxiety rises. Now you are not taking and turning into trusting yourself which is number one. All right, another one number four Hijackal Hijackals want you to please them and you start before they even appear. Being anxious about whether or not you can please them? Well, do you really want to please, a person who’s behaves in ways you don’t like? You know, I’ve told the story before about after my mother died. It I had a big revelation, I won’t tell you the whole story. But I had a big revelation. I used to own a health and yoga retreat center. And I was sitting in the yoga room, huge place full of light, and thinking, what was it that I was waiting for from this woman that I never got. And I realized I didn’t like her. She was nasty, she was dead, she put people down. She was Oh, very poor with her mouth. In terms of the things she would say to me, or to anybody else, there were a whole host of Hijackal things she did. And then I realized that I didn’t like her at all. But there was this little part of me, that was waiting for her approval. And at that moment, a light bulb went on. And I said to myself, What am I doing, waiting for the approval of a person of whom I don’t approve. Now, maybe you don’t approve of your Hijackal. So handle your anxiety. By not looking for the approval of a person of whom you don’t approve? Stop looking for them to validate you stop looking for them to like you. I’m not suggesting that you do anything nasty, or difficult or odd. Just stop looking for their approval.

You can relax, you don’t like me? Interesting, meaningless? Do you think you could get to that place where we’re no longer longing for the approval of someone you don’t approve? That could be a really big revelation for you. So let’s look at number five. You know, Hijackals, are always looking to find fault within you. They’re hyper vigilant to finding fault within you. So you have to turn away from their fault finding. And reminding yourself that there are lots of people who don’t think about you in the way that Hijackal thinks about you. There are people who love you, there are people who like you, there are people who approve of you. There are people who want to be with you, there are friends who would support you. Now the Hijackal wants to isolate you from all that, so that they are the only voice that matters in your head. But the antidote to that anxiety is that they are always going to find fault. And you are going to say to yourself, no many people enjoy my company. I enjoy my own company. That’s one person’s opinion, and I don’t accept it. So turn to introspection, and find friends or relatives or coworkers. And notice how they respond to you. They don’t respond to you the way the Hijackal does, do they? No, they don’t. I remind yourself of that. I can think of a story about a woman who she and her husband came in to see me. And he had a litany of complaints about this woman. And one of them was that he couldn’t trust her with their newborn. And he had all kinds of horrible things to say, well, she can’t even make a decent plumber’s appointment. And she can’t do this. And she can’t do that. And so I can’t trust her with our child. And I said to him, Have you ever had a baby? Have you ever looked after your baby said no. I said, Well, how do you know that you can do it? How do you know you’re trustworthy with a child? And of course that really irked him because of course, he’s the best thing that ever happened. And so I said to him, Well, what evidence reality Do you have, you can’t trust her with a newborn baby. And he went through the same litany of things. I can’t trust you to get a plumber, blah, blah, blah. So finally, after several sessions, this came out. I said to him, You do realize that your wife is a medical doctor. And that people come to her and she helps them and she looks after them and she returns them to help. How could you possibly think that you She can’t be trusted with a newborn? That’s the kind of crooked thinking they want find fault, find fault, find fault. And then when I said to him, My goodness, she makes an enormous salary for taking care of other humans, and you who have never taken care of a baby are going to suggest that you can’t trust her with the baby. That’s the kind of crooked thinking Hijackals engaging, and they hope is going to fly. Well, don’t let it fly with you. All right, turn it around, said this doesn’t make any sense. And there are lots of people who think I do that very well. Now, number six Hijackals, pile pain on pain in order to get control. They don’t like how you do this, but the other piece they hadn’t commented on, you don’t respond to their complaints well enough. Now, they don’t like when you do this, or this, or this, or this, they’ll just pile the pain up. And so I invite you as an antidote to them, piling the pain up, is don’t focus on the pain, focus on the relief. You know, if they’re saying I don’t like this about you focus on there are many people who do, I will think for a moment about whether I think my behaviors, okay, and I’ll focus on me. And I won’t focus on your complaints, oh, Hijackal person. And then you start to take back some personal power, and you want to be doing that. Because maybe you didn’t get personal power, when you were younger, and a Hijackal jumped all over you. Now you need it, now’s the time, maybe a little more difficult now, because you have so much experience with being put down. But on the other hand, you can recognize it a lot quicker. So that’s good. So let’s look at number seven Hijackals, like people who are already unsure of themselves, gives them quicker control. So if you work on yourself as an antidote, and you work on not picking on yourself, that is a really good antidote. Because we start to take the opinions of the Hijackal or opinions of Hijackal parents and make them our own. And if you say no, you know, I am no longer going to be unsure of myself. I am not picking on myself, I’m not beating myself up, I’m not beating myself down. I know what’s good about me, I know what I do. Well, I equally know where my weak spots are. But I am focusing on working on those. And I am no longer going to make you mister Miss Hijackal I’m not going to make them into the arbitrary of what’s okay with me. I’m not going to let them make me feel more unsure. I am going to draw on that internal strength, relax and breathe and say, I’ve got this. Even if you’re not sure if you’ve got it start behaving in that way. Super important. Super important. Now, number eight, the Hijackals like to name cop and his wounding, you know, they say some horrible things is right, a dagger to the chest, it feels like turning around when they’re doing that. Just say to yourself, well, that’s one person’s opinion. I don’t have to agree. It’s not the world’s opinion of me. When they’re name calling or making nasty statements, turn it around, stop analyzing stone analyze if it’s true. Turn around and analyze what is true about you to say what it is I do this? Well. I excel at that. I’m working on this. Focus on four words. Focus on now and forward. Doesn’t matter what’s happened in the past when you’re doing this antidote delivery. Focus on where you’re going. Keep it in mind. Hopefully this Hijackal is not going to be your companion forever. Even if they’re in the same house, they don’t have to be your emotional companion. If you use these antidotes, then that’s really important. You know, again, if you want some help, you want to touch people who know exactly what you’re talking about, because they are going through it or gone through it. Come on over to join in today.com and join the emerging empowered community. So many great conversations go over there and a lot of support. So that’s important. Now, that whole name calling and fault finding kind of goes together, but I wanted to keep the name calling, separate because name calling harkens back to our use when we’ve been bullied or put down by our parents, or whatever. And when somebody calls you names, you immediately feel like oh, you know, that’s terrible. So you have to turn your head around and start thinking about what’s good about you what you appreciate. And you may have to start small, you know, I really like the shape of my pinky finger, or whatever it is. But do it and add to it. And you will find more and more ways to support yourself when someone else is trying to put you down by calling you names. Okay, number nine Hijackals play on your fear of abandonment, we all have it. When we’re little, when we’re just born, we know that we can’t survive. If we were left, we could not survive. So we’re kind of born with a fear of abandonment built in. And Hijackals love to play on it. So they make threats and they walk out and slam doors and they do all of that. And then you become fearful. Where are they? Are they safe? Did they have an accident? What did I do? What shouldn’t I have done? What should I have done? And you get all anxious in that place? When they are playing on your fear of abandonment by threatening to leave or leaving? Don’t focus on them. Focus on not abandoning yourself. Say, Oh, all right, I do not have to deal with this right now that person is left? How could I engage in calming conversation with myself, making a list of things that I like about myself, relaxing the body, having a shower or a bath, having something that you enjoy and this non alcoholic to have to drink. And to remind yourself that that’s what that person thinks they’re one person, they are not the world. Hopefully they’ve stopped being your world. Because if you give them all that energy, they’ll take it. And there’ll be nothing left for you, or for the people that you love. I’m not talking about the ones you want to love you. I’m talking about the people you love and the ones who reciprocate by actually engaging in healthy love with you. So don’t abandon yourself. We do that, you know, I’ve done two podcasts on the fawning response. That’s when you make somebody else so much more important than you. And you just find all over them, you know, you elevate them, you validate them, you, you talk about them. And that doesn’t help. It’s really a poor habit. So don’t abandon yourself in any way. They can walk out, stand up tall, I know. I know. It’s not going to happen instantly. Don’t beat yourself up. If it doesn’t. These are things start putting in motion. But when they abandon you or appear to or threaten to tell yourself I’m here, I can manage. Look at all the things that I’ve survived before that one person walking out or threatening to walk out. difficulties that may be I’ll still be alive at the end of it. Obviously, nothing’s killed me yet. Or nothing has destroyed my emotional life. But a Hijackal will try really hard to do that. So refuse to allow it. Just turn back on not abandoning yourself. What do I need? have I eaten today? Do I need to rest on the floor? Do I need to do some yoga? Do I need to calm my body? Do I need to do breathing exercises? What a walk be a good thing to do? How about some beautiful music? Don’t abandon yourself become your own best friend. And number 10 on the antidotes to anxiety caused by emotional abuse is this one Hijackals push your boundaries, even the smallest boundary they want to stomp all over it. And it’s really important to create non negotiable boundaries with consequences. That is the antidote. Nine nasty night if you do this, or no, it’s just I do not. I just said this was a client this evening. Just simply say, when people yell, I leave. There’s a boundary. When people yell, I leave. No conversation is going to be constructive when there’s yelling. And then make sure you leave. I know and immediately you saw it, but they won’t let me leave the room. They’ll grab my arm. So stand in the doorway. You can leave here. You know when people yell early. I’m just going to sit and calm myself until there’s no yelling in this room. And that way you don’t abandon yourself and you don’t give over the power and you don’t have to get an anxiety because nobody can get in here. And if somebody is seeping into their time to put up some boundaries, right? So I hope this has given you some ways to feel more powerful in dealing with anxiety that comes along with living with a Hijackal. You need these antidotes, you need to feel you know what to do in order to reclaim your power and rebuild your life. And client earlier today, she said was when do I make a decision to stay or go? I said when you feel that you have emerged empowered you she’s not experiencing physical or sexual abuse. And, you know, I always say that if you experienced physical or sexual abuse immediately call the police and do not stay. But if you’re not experiencing that I said to her, when you have gone through your own learning, when you have built up yourself, when you have done the things that I have suggested to help you come to an equal place in life, feeling that way, then you will be clear headed enough to make a lasting decision that you will not regret. So as surprises wherever you are in the process, remember, take very good care of yourself. Because you’re precious, and you matter toxin. Thank you for joining me on the save your sanity podcast today. I hope you’ve had some new insights, some ideas and strategies to help you gain clarity and confidence from moving forward toward greater emotional health and safety. You deserve that and so to your children. If you found value here and would like to support this podcast with $1 or five each month, please do so at patreon.com/save your sanity. Learn more about how to work with me via video conference. Join me optimize circles or subscribe to this podcast on my youtube channel at my website transforming relationship.com Talk soon