Setting boundaries in the face of difficult people can be daunting, I know. It's especially difficult if you had a difficult Hijackal parent!
Get a deeper understanding of what you need to do this, and how to do it powerfully today.
Transcript (mostly done by machine, apologies in advance)
We're going to talk about something so basic to life with difficult people.
And it's something that many people just have a reluctance to deal with it. Something that it doesn't feel nice somehow to some people. And I know, I was raised by high jackals, those difficult people. And I know that I was always trying to make them happy. And I bet you were too.
And so what how do you make them happy? I didn't like them much. I didn't really want to make them happy, but I didn't want them on my back either. These were the parents. And as a kid, you can't do much about what I'm talking about today. Therefore, as an adult, you may end up with needing what I'm talking about today more than ever, because you may be actually enabling people to treat you poorly, not by fault, simply because you don't have enough practice in setting things up so they won't happen.
So you get into this constant drama situation.
It's the exhausting, it can wear you out, wear you down it, you could be exhausted right down to your toes, you know?
For example, this person says to you something that that just pushes your buttons and you you're kind of saying, "again? really? you're going to bring that up again?" And whether or not you say that out loud or you're saying that in your head, it's happening.
Or maybe that person says something horrible, like "it's all your fault. I don't know why I even stay with you."
And this kind of conversation is a very blaming conversation. It's very, very typical of hijackals. If you haven't been with me before. Let me define hijackals. It's my trademark term for the people with the patterns, traits, cycles behaviors that are so relentlessly difficult and those very hijackals. They choose their prey so they can be the most fabulous person you have ever met out in public, but at home, they will not be. They will be horrible. They will be demeaning, belittling, degrading discounting. It'll be verbal abuse, emotional abuse, hopefully not but sometimes physical and sexual abuse.
And it is exhausting.
And the other thing that will drag you down Is that constant hope that believe that things will magically change. You know, if you haven't been on my YouTube channel lately, you can go and find it. I did a video last week on love bombing. The sneaky way that narcissists keep you hooked on the hope that they love you . That's very important. You need to really understand love bombing if you're with one of these difficult people.
But the other big drain aside from this drama and this downpour and all that goes with that is your constant hope that things will change, they will get better.
This person that you met originally who seemed to know you and love, you will return and they won't except when they really want something which is the love bombing piece. But this is exhausting to keep being hooked on hope that that person that you believed loved you and you so want to believe loved you is hurting you and you hope that that person will return. So you keep investing in the idea of change. But actually you have to initiate some change. Because if there's too much drama in your relationship, that means that at some level, you're either putting up with It and enabling it or you're uncomfortable, be comfortable with it, you kind of gotten into the way of it and you're bobbing and weaving and trying to stay out of the way of the high jackal behavior. So does that sound familiar at all? Because if so, here's the bad news.
Nothing will change until you change. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. There's no magic bullet for fixing that other person. So when drama is present, of course, predictability can't be present.
And when drama is present, and the more that it escalates, the less you can think straight. So you become on guard and walking on eggshells all the time. And after a while, you're worn down so you react, you don't respond. You don't think "how can I give the best possible response here to set a boundary or to let this person Know that this drama is not going to take place or to just say no to what's going on."
You react and you get angry or you get upset. And when you do that, you know what a hijackal does, they'll say "There you go again, you see, it's all your fault.: And so that pattern becomes established and you become an integral part of it.
To have the hope of stopping the drama, there is one big thing you have to do. You have to know yourself well enough. That takes a lot. You have to know yourself well enough to set, express and maintain strong boundaries.
Oh, I know you've heard that word, boundaries. I know you know, they're good things. But when you're worn down and torn down, sometimes you don't have the energy for it. But now I'm hoping that you will find that energy. You need to know yourself well enough to set, express and maintain strong boundaries. And if the boundary is not respected, you have to have a consequence and you must follow through with that consequence.
So how do you do this?
A boundary is a line between what's all right with you and what's not. So let's use the example of name calling. course you don't like it when your partner calls you a slob or a nag or a loser of failure or whatever. Who does. Yet some people put up with it. I hope you're not one of them. But a boundary expressed would sound like this. name calling doesn't work for me. I get immediately upset and stressed when it happens. I get triggered and angry because I feel put down by a label. I'm happy to talk about difficult things with you. However, when name calling starts, I'm going to leave the conversation because it is going nowhere good. So you've identified what's going on. Then you have said what you're going to do about it if it continues. So you've set the boundary. You've told them what goes on for you. So you've been very communicative. And then you say I'm happy to talk about difficult things. But if the name calling starts, I'm going to leave the conversation and that setting a boundary and after you've said that the next time the partner calls you, whatever they call you, which you're a deadbeat, or whatever you say, I said I would leave the conversation when name stalling starts. name calling start. And I'm doing that right now. If you want to talk about this further, we can do it at a later time and leave I know it just went through your mind what is they don't let me leave word if they block the door. What if they do that you Stop talking. You can leave emotionally and verbally. If you can't get out, just stop talking. And if you do say something, just repeat your boundary. The most important thing when expressing a boundary is making it stick.
Too many people make empty threats without ever actually setting boundaries. They get frustrated, angry, stressed or depressed and go into Yeah, shut down. And they threatened to leave in a half hearted attempt to change the conversation. You know that one, you know, they just threatened to leave and throw it out there to kind of change the conversation to shock their partner into listening to them. But then they stay. The boundary is never expressed and definitely never enforced. And then resentment builds. And when resentment builds, you're more apt lap likely can't make my mouth work today, you're more likely to react the respond. That's what happens. When you get into resentment. And it's working on you from the inside out, you tend to blurt. And as you've heard me say before, and videos and episodes, when you blurt you hurt, and you don't want to be doing that, because that makes you out of control in the relationship. So too much drama in the relationship. If that's what you're saying or what you're putting up with, then what drama are you causing or perpetuating because of your fear of setting boundaries? What's your part in this? Yes, you know, high jackals have their problems. They have their patterns trait cycles. You know the definition of a high jackal is a person hijacks the relationship for his or her own purpose. And then relentlessly scavenging them for power status and control. So you know this about the high jackal. So what are you going to do here? So I'm going to give you three really important things that will help you think about and hopefully Express and maintain your boundaries. Number one, clarify your boundaries for yourself and to yourself. Figure out what is absolutely not alright with you and why do that quietly by yourself, maybe put it in a journal, really think about it and you don't have to do it fast. You can do it over a few days. So you get really clear about it. And it might look like this you might have written, I feel disrespected, dismiss maybe threatened. When my partner gets angry and yells at me. I read Recognize in this moment that nothing productive comes from it because it becomes a competition and then it all escalates and then there are hurtful things said and we get into those patterns. So I know I need to set a boundary around this. Okay so you're clarifying your boundary for yourself and to yourself and then when you're ready and no more than a week, okay? express your boundary to your partner. Choose a quiet moment a quiet moment when no stress or tension is going on. And, or when it comes up again, whichever one is important and and is most reasonable in your relationship. And then you say something like this. I want to be able to work things through with you even the difficult things, but I can't do it when it escalates into a screaming match. I just can't. So I'm not going to go there anymore. When I find things are getting to that point, I'm going to leave the relationship and leave the conversation to preserve the relationship. I want you to know I'm absolutely willing to talk about the issue at another time when we're calm and have a hope of resolving it. But in order to do my part in making things peaceful and productive, I am going to withdraw and leave the conversation at that time. become clear within yourself what's okay what's not, okay. You have the unexpressed it to your partner, and the number three one is to maintain that boundary and make it stick. Because once you've expressed your boundary you must follow through. If you don't, oh, you know what'll happen your partner won't believe you and your partner will definitely not take you seriously. And maybe that's your spouse, maybe that's the person you live with. Maybe it's your roommate, maybe it's your mother or father, maybe it's a colleague or friend. It doesn't matter who this partner that I'm talking about is you have to maintain your boundary and make it stick. And once you've expressed it, follow through. Because if you don't, and they don't believe you, and they don't take you seriously, you'll be in more resentment. That person may laugh, and they may trample you further. What do you get more drama? So here's the suggestion. Here's what you can say at that moment. I want to work this issue out with you. But I'm getting angry. And I think we're on the verge of yelling at each other and I care about the relationship and I care about figuring out this issue. I am leaving the conversation now. I'm happy to talk about this issue sometime soon when we're calm and leave leave people believe your actions it's just the opposite you know when you're with a high jackal you want to believe the words then that they told you at the beginning and you keep wanting to believe the I love you When the behavior is nothing like I love you. Well when you're in this boundary setting situation is kind of the opposite.
You have to believe their behavior now. Because that behavior does not say "I love you."
So don't revert to go back to say, Oh, well they're having a difficult time. It's it's a stressful time they had a bad childhood dog go making excuses for them. Stay present and hold your ground in the moment because you deserve to take up space and draw breath Okay, breathe. You deserve to take up space and draw breath. Therefore you deserve to speak up for what you need and want. So that's why I'm giving you these tips today. Take these actions and see how you can improve your relationship. I know that you will feel empowered when you do it even if your legs are a little shaky, and you're not sure. And maybe the hijacker won't like it, I can tell you almost for sure the hijacker won't like it. But if you just do it in a neutral voice, just follow the things that I've said here, then you will feel better about you. And I want you to feel better about you. That's why I'm giving you these things. And it will improve how you feel about your part in the conversation. So these are very important things. Boundary setting is not easy, especially when you come from a home maybe where there weren't any boundaries. You didn't learn to set them and if you had ever tried to say no to a hijacker parent, that didn't go very well. So now you're afraid to try it here. I hope this empowers you.