I went through your book “That’s make crazy” and found out I’ve married a P-A person..

q-100Dear Dr Rhobera,

I went through your book “That’s make crazy” and found out I’ve married a P-A person.

To My observation till now I got that what ever he doesn’t like me to do, I need to stop it, he doesn’t talk about it but with his non verbal communication, his silence, or his playing victim or his sense of entitlement, or with loosing his personal items such as his eye glasses, or his wallet or his watch at home and accusing me of putting them some where or hiding them, as he is in this way of selfishness, further more if those tactics doesn’t work he will find something new to stop me… therefore I need to be alert and conscious to protect myself all the time not to let myself to wrong direction and keep the justice other wise his system is to abuse all my rights and whatever I’ve got (my sanity). There is no trust over this guy because he thinks if he can abuse me that’s his privilege and he calls it his smartness!!!! My honesty to him is my dumbness so is priceless but I know the value of it so need to protect my values such as “Honesty, steadfastness, detachment, playfulness, courage, self discipline, tactfulness, understanding”

In any conversation at the end either I am to blame or he deny or he does not remember that as his memory is short or it was not like that just discount that or some how making me guilty for bringing that up.

Why I poisoned with his system?

Because I never ever thought he is going to be this much sneaky! Having beautiful and charming mask and behind it, hatred and sick heart! so what he wants is, me not to say any thing over what he wants and wishes! other wise I deserve punishment! In his own court in his own justice and because he is mentally sick I need to be very very conscious how to define myself and how to talk otherwise next time again he make something else for me to punish me and having fun.
My only concern is our Two beautiful daughters who are 6 and 3, don’t know how this situation going to effect them? I’ve got a good self control not to show in front of them and keep a peaceful atmosphere in home but I’m not sure how long this relationship can go like that?

My eldest daughter now learned very well from his Dad having sense of entitlement not admitting her mistakes and giving excuses after excuses and talk back to have last word and to show she is right.

I feel exactly walking on egg shells…I really want to talk to you over skype but as we have joint account and he always check my credit card so cant pay it with that.

Looking so forward to hearing from you and your advice,

Kind Regards,
Nas

 


 

a-100Hello, Nas,

You are describing a classically passive-aggressive man. And, unfortunately, as you say, the children are quick to pick up the behaviors.

I so wish we could talk over Skype, as you say. It is difficult to clarify your thinking without talking together. I hope you can find a way to make that happen, although it sounds as though it would be difficult.

Walking on eggshells is no way to live your life. Your husband may well be more than passive-aggressive. I invite you to look at the items on the homepage of my website at HighConflictManagement.com   If the twelve items there describe him well, then. you have more to think about. You need very specific skills and insights to manage high conflict behaviors.

It sounds as though you may also have some cultural biases coming into play that he is using as grounds for his poor behavior. Could that be true? Where are you both from?

When dealing with passive-aggressive behavior, you have to have, express and maintain strong boundaries. When he loses something, you quietly say, “I do not know where ____ is.  I am not responsible for your things.”  At first, he may react strongly to this because the last things he wants to have to be are responsible and accountable. Passive-aggressive people take no responsibility for themselves. Things are always the faults of others.  If you think he would react too strongly to those statements, simply use the first sentence and repeat it. He is being disrespectful and mean-spirited too often, as you relate the story.

The example he is providing your children is unfortunate. I invite you to have strong boundaries with the children and not allow these behaviors. That would be loving treatment of the children. Children do not want to go unchecked in their bad behaviors. They want and need boundaries and you will have to provide them.

I hope this helps. At least, it is a beginning. Feel free to ask another question at http://forrelationshiphelp.com/ask-a-question

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

Take my free online Passive-Aggressive Checklist by clicking HERE.

 

 

January 31, 2015   101    Spouse/Partner  
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