He only wants to be friends, but I want more.



Hi !!

Thank you for your reply. It is indeed very helpful of your last email. Just wanted to tell you more.

When we met last, the next day I contacted him via text and ask him how is he? And he replied. But after that its been almost more than 4 days.

He hasnt contacted me. Last week we were in proper contact. But all of sudden after that night, we lost contact. Im soo worried as I really dont want to lose friendship as it feels so werid that he hasnt even texted or called me.

I understand he do not want to take in a relationship level presently and want to be friends and only friends. But not contacting from so many days makes me feel really worried. I have cried millions of times as it is doubting myself as now it is making me guilty why did I have intimate with him? Im so worried and I felt to text him and ask him why is he reacting such. But I didnt do and havnt contacted him after that.

I really donno what is he thinking about me. Im getting cold feets and I am falling for him but I never want to tell this to him and lose my respect as i have always believe the guy should approach firstly. Please help me what shall I do? I am unable to concentrate much and checking my phone all the time thinking he will contact me but he didnt yet. I really want to clear this as i feel i have made a mistake and i really dont want he should think Im a bad gurl who slept with him knowing he is just interested in friendship. It is bothering me so much as his perception has changed towards me looks it. I really love him now. Please help me what shall I do? You helped me lot in my early message and it is big big thankful of you.





Yes, you are quite engaged with the idea of this fellow. Unfortunately, the reality of this fellow is that the truth is what he does. It doesn’t really matter what he says because you must believe his behavior. He seems to be unready and unwilling to engage in the level of relationship you want. You are best to accept this.

You ask what to do, so:

  • Create your life filled with interesting activities and supportive people
  • Recognize that checking your phone for texts is unproductive and stop doing it.  I know this is difficult when you are so hopeful, but you are hurting yourself and creating further anxiety by doing it.
  • Remind yourself that friends do not necessarily talk with each other as frequently as lovers. You likely have friends you talk with every  month or even longer.
  • Remember that he has been clear that you two are in the friend zone. Stop expecting other behaviors and hopeful signs.
  • Respect yourself and your friend by honoring his boundaries and believing what he has said.
  • Recognize the mistakes you made in this relationship because you wanted the connection and the intimacy. Taking steps too early often leads to disappointment because the friendship suffers when intimacy enters too soon. Learn from this experience.
  • Keep your heart open and your mind engaged. Both are required for creating healthy relationships.

I wish I could send you a magic potion for the pain. I cannot because there isn’t one. This is learning that has to be walked through to be acquired.

Love is never wasted or lost. It’s just that sometimes it doesn’t work out.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

January 24, 2015   149    Dating    
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