Wait for someone to change who has done this our whole entire relationship or give up?

q-100My fiance and I been together three years have two kids. Things getting bad, he’s always taking the car he bought me and not saying anything just leaving and be gone all day and night or he tells me he’s going somewhere specific and will be right back and never comes back and he doesn’t have own phone right now but can’t get ahold of him on anyone’s phone he always used and he won’t call me to let me know what’s going on. He ignores me but I find out every time he isn’t around me he talks to other girls, some he has been with before and one his ex he has kid with. He only does it behind my back and deletes everything and lies when I find out and ask about it. His ex he has kid with he won’t talk to when I’m around, waits till I’m gone and he calls or texts her at 2-3 am and tells me its to see his kid. Doesn’t sound right. He’s so secretive and always lying about evetything, even when caught still lies for awhile.. He calls me a whore and tells me he’s done all the time and acts like its no big deal to lose me. He now is accusing me of cheating which I never had, stuck through every bit of pain he put me through because I love him but if I look at another guy he says something about it in private and I talk to guy friends, nothing bad at all and I keep all messages to show him but he still gets mad and says I had to have deleted some of the messages.. Lately we fight in front of kids and he will walk away and our son will scream and cry yelling daddy daddy and he will look at him, turn around and keep walking. Says its my fault he leaves them because I stress him out. No excuse!!! Its like our family isn’t important. All I ask him to do is stop lying, hiding things and leaving all the time and he won’t stop.. What do I do? Wait for someone to change who has done this our whole entire relationship or give up?

 


 

a-100Hello,

I’m so sorry that you are having these difficulties. Keeping yourself together while parenting is a big job. You are showing your children how to behave by everything you do and say. It takes a great deal of maturity to do this well.

 

You ask the most important question at the end of your note:

“What do I do? Wait for someone to change who has done this our whole entire relationship or give up?”

You have allowed this pattern to continue throughout your relationship. This man has issues and he wants to make you think his issues are your problem. THEY ARE NOT.

When you say that he walks away from a child who is screaming out for him, it tells me so much. This man is too immature to have a grown-up relationship in which he is honest, respectful, trustworthy and reliable. Without those things, you have nothing.

You say he has done this throughout your relationship. Now is the time for it to end. He either commits to the family, or he leaves. Notice that I said that HE leaves. If you can, you want to make that be the way things happen. He is the one who does not want to be with the family, so he should be the one who leaves. This should be appealing to him as he wants to be elsewhere anyway as his behavior demonstrates.

You have work to do, young lady. You need to work with someone–I’m happy to work with you–to understand why you have been willing to put up with his poor behavior all this time, AND, to learn the skills to communicate and work through conflict when it occurs. It seems you have put up with this when it needed to be worked through much earlier.

For now, it’s either fish or cut bait time for him: he leaves, or he commits and gets help along with you to create a healthy, respectful relationship with you and the family. I know there may be financial issues that make that a daunting prospect, especially as you are not married. You are worth it. Depending on the laws where you live, this will have to be taken into consideration and worked through. I hope he provides for his other child as this will set the precedent for him taking care of you and your two children.

I invite you–and highly recommend that you–schedule a time to talk with me and get some clarity about how to proceed. It will help you enormously and support you to make good decisions for yourself and your children.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

You can work with me directly by creating your own appointment online HERE. We can work together in my office in Escondido, CA, or through Skype or Google Hangouts.

You could further benefit from getting my twice monthly Tips For Relationships to keep yourself aware of healthy relationship skills. SUBSCRIBE HERE.

January 31, 2015   116    Spouse/Partner  
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