Come to find out I was her back up plan all along. What can I do to get through this and move forward?

q-100I just found out that my girlfriend of 16 months was talking and spending time with various other men other than me at the time of us getting together. Come to find out I was her back up plan all along. What can I do to get through this and move forward?




That must be disappointing to learn that she was dating several men, or considering several men. BUT, that’s what dating is!

She chose you, whether you were her backup plan or the safety net guy waiting in the wings. You’ve been together for sixteen months. If she has not strayed during that time, she has told you who she is and who she chooses. In the early stages of dating, it’s all about figuring out where the best fit is for your values, your goals, your interests, etc.. Dating is shopping. Once you buy the item and take it home, it’s yours to take care of. Relationships are built on how you take that care.

If your girlfriend’s behavior has been consistently “I Choose You” for the past sixteen months, you’re the one she chooses. If she has just told you about her “dating strategy” prior to you, she likely did it because she feels secure in her relationship with you and was feeling she could be vulnerable by telling you that as information. If you react to that in a negative way, rather than in a way that indicates that she can tell you anything and that is the strength of the relationship, you risk reducing the openness of the relationship. You don’t want that, I’m sure.

Let it go and enjoy be chosen!

If there is more to this story, please write back.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

get the relationship help you need in-person or through Skype videoRhoberta Shaler, PhD is The Relationship Help Doctor. She works with individuals, couples, families and workplace teams to help them develop the skills, insights and solutions that lead to better communication, conflict management and collaboration. You can work with her online through Skype® or Google+, by phone, or in-person in her office in Escondido, CA, at The Optimize Center.

For immediate insights, subscribe to her blog at  There are hundreds of posts there and a search button to help you find what you need.


Disclaimer: all advice, insights and suggestions made here are not to be construed as psychological or legal advice. Any actions you undertake as a result of reading any article, book, ebook or blog post from Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, are entirely your own. Having worked with individuals and couples for more than twenty-five years, she offers her opinions  for your consideration only.

January 31, 2015   104    Dating    
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