q-100Hello, here’s my story: i’ve had a 2,5 years relationship with a man, at first it was only on the internet and skype, but in May this year we finally decided to meet in real life. He came to my town and stayed with me for almost a month. Not everything was as we imagined, but we nevertheless had a good time together. He was telling me all the time that he loved me, and wanted us to be together, get married, he was talking about our future together. But at the same time he was complaining that i wasn’t giving him enough love and affection, that i was a bit too cold. I can admit it, but it wasn’t because i didn’t love him, but i’m that type of person that is very shy and have troubles with showing my feelings, i’m sure i would improve later, it was just not enough time for me to feel myself totally relaxed and comfortable. So after one month he went back home, and we agreed that he’d come back again soon. But then he got some health and family problems that prevented him from coming, i was waiting and missing him very much, but i noticed immediately that our communication was not the same as before, he didn’t write so often, could keep silence for a few days, which never happened before…..i was worried, but blamed this changed behaviour on those problems he’s been having. But he still was talking about our future together and sweared that his feelings haven’t changed, he still loved me and only me, he didn’t want any other woman. And he was accusing me that it was ME that’s changed my behaviour, and don’t want to talk to him as often as before. Anyway, he said he could come to me for Christmas and stay for a month, and then we would go together to his place. I was waiting and counting days, but one day all of a sudden i found out that he was flirting online with a woman from Philippines, and they’ve been in contact since september-october. I got very upset and confronted him about it, but he denied everything. I got furious, and said everything’s over now between us, deleted him from friends on facebook, and didn’t talk to him for a few days. After 2 days i saw they were openly flirting on facebook with that woman, changed status to “in a relationship”, and he wrote to her that he’s going to come to her on the 22nd of december. I wrote him and asked “now you won’t deny everything, will you?” But his reply was “No, i didn’t have any contact with her before that, but after you broke up with me, i wrote to her, and we started talking, it was YOU that pushed me into her arms. I was having troubles, i was depressed, and needed someone to tell me that i’m nice, i’m good, i’m worth something, i wanted to feel myself loved, and she gave it all to me, while you was only complaining and telling me all the time that i’m nobody” That’s what he saud….it’s not completely true, but i know i made a lot of mistakes with him, but i was willing to change and improve my behaviour. Anyway, after that he wrote me a message, and said “everything can be mended, if it didn’t happen in real life, but only on the Internet, you decide now, nothing has happened yet, if you don’t want it to happen” I took it as if he wants to start again with me, so i asked “tell me now, yes or no, are you going to her, or are you going to me instead” Suddenly he changed his tone, and said “yes, i’m going to her, but it doesn’t mean i’m marrying her” To this i said that i won’t tolerate it, and i don’t want a man who keeps me on a shelf, in case his Plan A fails, i said if you go to her, you can forget about me, i won’t accept you again. The day before his departure, i wrote to him “Have a good trip, be happy with your new life, and goodbye” He replied ” I have no new life, and i don’t want to say goodbye to you” I replied “But i told you that if you go, there would be no way back”. He arrived to her on the next day, they posted happy kissing and hugging photos on facebook, it was unbearably painful for me to see. I know i shouldn’t have written anything, but i couldn’t resist, and wrote an angry message, then i regretted and wrote a message where i appologized, and said i realized all my mistakes, and i regret them, i would behave completely different now, but i won’t bother him with messages anymore, and as a saying goes, if you love somebody, set them free. He replied with this: “I would have liked to hear such words from you in the autumn, when i needed to hear them. I loved you from the very first day, and you had a very good chance. I have a lot and beautiful things to say to you, but i don’t have a possibility and time now. But your messages don’t bother me…..and you forgot to say the ending of that saying about setting someone free”. It was exactly one week ago, after that he wasn’t online. I’m terribly missing him, and thinking about him all the time. So my question is: Is there a chance that he comes back to me? Was his last message a hint that he can return afterwards? Or am i just wasting my time on futile hopes?

 


 

a-100HI,

That’s a very long internet relationship, and it didn’t end well. However, the good news is that you have hopefully learned something of value.

Waiting 2.5 years to meet someone with whom you have an internet romance is a long time. It turns into a fantasy romance, and can hardly help but fail to live up to all the expectations each of you had put on it before you met! That said, apparently, you did not share very important things with each other before you met, either. If you are a shy person and need time to warm up and trust, it would have been good to share that with him. Knowing that about yourself, it’s a question, too, why you were not comfortable with him more quickly after so much internet time. Were the things that were “not the way you imagined” things that made it difficult?

I think that you may have dodged a bullet here: this man has shown you that he is more interested in romance than in relationship. IF after 2.5 years, he meets you, decides you are not affectionate enough, goes home and starts flirting, this man is more enamored by flirty conversation and the possibilities of sex and romance than he is in actually working at creating a loving, trusting, respectful relationship. If that were not true, he would be more interested in working things out.

Why do you want him back? Look squarely at the answer to that question. Is it because:

  • you have invested so much time?
  • you like the idea of him and you miss the fantasy  of him and a life together?
  • you cannot accept that he is somewhat shallow?
  • you know now that you misjudged him and you feel foolish?
  • you accept his accusations of “pushing him into another woman’s arms?” (which is, by the way, simply him making excuses for his lack of care, communication and respect for you. If he had those things, he would not have immediately gone looking on the internet and would have talked things through with you. You could have then made a mutual decision.)
  • you take responsibility for his decisions? (NOT yours to do.)

Do not try to convince him that you’ll be a better person by doing what he wants. You’re setting yourself up for more difficulties if that is the case. He has shown you who he is and how he rolls. Believe him and move on. Learn from this.

With internet dating, I think that six months is the absolute most time people should wait before meeting, and only that long if there are very long distances that require much money for travel involved. You cannot know a person until you are able to be in the same place together for some time.

Stay away from fantasies. I think, too, that you may have enjoyed this for so long because you know you are shy and the internet made it possible to say things you would not have been able to say if you were together. It provided a cover that felt safe for you. Know that about yourself–if it is true.

I’m sorry that I cannot help you “get him back” because I don’t know why you would want him. He’s blamed you and moved on. Let him go. Again, learn from this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

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