q-100

My ex and I were together for 2 years and he broke up with me a month ago.

We are in college and so were pretty serious and talked about marriage. This semester I began having some personal problems and struggled with depression. My best friend last year replaced me and I felt awful. She would text my ex and invite him to hang but not me. It hurt and I told him but he didn’t care. I was drowning and so I could be mean to him or just take things out on him which I apologized for and didn’t mean to.

I Know I made mistakes and wish I could of done things differently and I keep blaming myself. How do I stop and let him go?

The last month [of our relationship] we had a rough patch and we didn’t communicate well and we finally talked and decided to work on things. So for a week it seemed good and he said we were getting there and we hung out a lot. One night we were suppose to hang out but he never answered the phone so my roommate made me go to a party instead of waiting for him. He was there with the friend I was having issues with, and drunk. I was hurt and mad and when I left he followed me and broke up with me. He said I was dragging him down and I needed help and he had nothing to give me and didn’t love me.

3 weeks prior he said he wanted to marry me what did I do in that time to change that?

I also am bad at showing emotions and so I loved to see him and be with him but I didn’t rush into his arms or anything and he said he wanted that but he knew who I was from the start. I wish I could of done those things but I am not that person but I did love him and showed it in different ways. He said I made him feel guilty for hanging with friends and I wasnt a priority but I don’t believe that.

From the moment we started dating I wanted us to have relationships with friends and I didn’t want to loose those. So I balanced him and friends and thought I was doing a good job but guess not.

I wasn’t me around him, I was shy, quiet, always scared to say the wrong thing, and he didn’t talk. I had to do all the talking. I felt like a failure b/c I had no hobbies or talents and he did. I loved all he did even though he didn’t think I did. I just got jealous or felt am awful about me. He just changed and everything had to be about him and I don’t know why he gave up on me when I really needed him. I also was hurt he used me for his own sexual needs the last week and he said b/c he wanted to and b/c he was seeing if he could get feelings back, that hurt and I don’t know what to do! I need help and to let him go.

I am meeting him soon to give stuff back and he wants to talk but what do I say? I know I want to say I didn’t deserve to be treated that way and sorry for causing him pain and everything. I just am so lost and hurt and feel it’s all my fault. I don’t want anyone else to have him but I dont know if I want him or the idea of him.

This summer when we talked marriage I couldn’t see it anymore, he wasn’t the one but I couldn’t let go b/c I loved him and wanted him to be the one and also scared to never find another guy. I am just hurt and scared to see him and more scared to go back to school and see him with other girls or in general.

Was it my fault? He had flaws too and demons but I can’t think of a lot of them.
What do I do? Please help me!

 


 

a-100

Hi,

I’m sorry that you have been in a depression, and that the relationship you thought was strong enough to handle it wasn’t. That’s disappointing for you, for sure.

With all that you have said, I think you are best to let this fellow go. He is not ready for a long-term relationship with you. He may not be ready for a long-term relationship with anyone. It doesn’t seem so from what you wrote.

Yes, you have not been the most available partner, but, when you say that you are not yourself with him, that’s a huge red flag for you.  If you cannot be yourself with someone, let that person go!!!!!

Though you may find it difficult at first, stop blaming yourself. Simply learn from this situation and take from it this, at a minimum: you are not responsible for living up to the expectations of another person. You have to be able to be yourself and learn and grow together. (Perhaps, he just wanted to justify his behavior because he wanted to have sex with others. Any possibility of that?)

You are not here to please others. Be your best self. Live in alignment with your values, your vision for your life, your beliefs and your purposes. You will attract a similarly-minded fellow with whom you can have a REAL relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

Get twice-monthly insights into how to create and sustain healthy relationships. Subscribe to my Tips For Relationships HERE.

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