Should I stay and try or move on and better myself for my children?

q-100Ok I been n a relationship with a guy for 12 years. The relationship start when I was a junior in High School. In our relationship its was ok the first years but then came the point of me wanting to hang out wit friends and family and he didnt like it.  I had started going and stayin with relatives to look for ma own place for us.  I once stay gone a week but I was lookin for work and an apartment. So he get advice from a friend and he cheats on me. I find out by others.  I ask and he denys it. So we split up. Then I find out she pregnant and not only while we were apart he had sex with ma first cousin and gets her pregnant as well.  I try and forgive him but its hard we split up again then get back together and I get pregnant wit ma youngest son. We have a good relationship going then we split and then get back together. He always try and say we need to stay together for the sake of our son. And I have did things to him but never cheated. Do I need to look over the bad and try to make to make it work. Cause im torn and confused. But he has always let me down he did his part 10% of the time the rest was on me. Should I stay and try or move on and better myself for ma children?

 


 

a-100Hello,

I don’t know what you “should” do, but I’ll give you a few thoughts to help you make the decision:

  • Just because you have been together for twelve years is not reason enough to condone his behavior.  Time has not made this a better relationship, or either of you better people for each other to be with, it seems.
  • If you man needs to “get advice from a friend” and then cheat on you, what kind of friends does he have? You can tell a lot about people from the company they keep!
  • Did you have agreements about what was happening in and to your relationship when you decided to “split up?”  It is common for people to take a break from each other to think and to ponder the relationship, but they do it by agreement to not see other people during that time. If splitting up to your man means permission to sleep with other women, then that tells you a lot about him, and none of it good.
  • You two were very young when you got together and were likely very different people then than you are now. It sounds to me like you are both just in the habit of hanging with each other. I don’t hear honesty, love, respect, trust or safety in the account of your relationship.  Without those things, you do not have a healthy relationship at all.
  • Staying with a man who cheats more than once and saying it is for the sake of your child together is not accurate. If that were the truth then your man needs to go and be with the other women he has impregnated for the sake of those children as well. It just doesn’t make sense.
  • What will your child learn from living in this relationship? Do you want him to be learning that?  Do you have other children with this man? What are they learning?

So, a few thoughts for you. Because you have split up so many times, I think you know the answer to your question. There is never a right time to end a relationship, except as soon as you know that it is best for all concerned to end it.

I hope that helps.
I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

 

You can also take her free online checklists to get more information about your relationship and your partner:

 

January 31, 2015   105    Spouse/Partner  
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