My partner is always sulky when I do something wrong..

q-100My partner is always sulky when I do something wrong. No I don’t cheat, and I don’t forget about my partner at all. Usually, it’s something like, not being able to text in the morning, or as recently, I wasn’t able to call after I said I’d call for about 5 minutes, because I had to do something urgent. After that, my partner usually treats me cold, doesn’t answer my texts or calls, doesn’t speak to me at all. If she does answer my call, she doesn’t say anything and if I apologize with all my heart, because I really didn’t mean to disappoint her, she’d say she’s tired of hearing me say sorry, because it has always happened. How would it not if she sees every single simple mistake there is.
It pains me deeply, because I love her very much and I hate not talking to her. I can’t stand it. And I’ve told her that every time we make up, but it happens all over again.

I feel so bad, and I cry all the time. Because it frustrates me that I don’t know what to do to make her talk to me again, and be back to normal. She doesn’t accept my apology. I’m trying my best to meet the standards she’s been placing, but it’s so hard that I usually end up disappointing her again, and experiencing everything all over again.

I also feel like every thing I do is a mistake. Like what I do is not enough. I feel like she’s giving me rules/laws as if I’m obliged to obey them to deserve her.

But I want to work things out, because I love her so much. I’m afraid of not going after her when she’s sulky, because I don’t think she’d ever do the first move. Please help me, I want to make this relationship better. 🙁

 


 

a-100Hi,

I’m sorry it has taken some time to answer your question.

Taking what you have told me into account, I’ll be succinct:  you have been shown by all her behaviors that she is so fearful that she is controlling and somewhat passive-aggressive. She is demanding, unreasonable, and she is dedicated to making you wrong. Can you see that?

The real question I have for you is: what is it about this behavior and her treatment of you that allows you to keep on loving her? Do you think you deserve this treatment? Do you think that “if I love her enough, she’ll feel secure and stop all this nonsense.”  Neither of those responses is healthy. If either of those are the case, you would do well to schedule an appointment  by clicking here so that you and I can talk.

When she sulks and gives you the cold shoulder, she tells you two things, in my opinion:

  1. She does not have the communication skills within herself or between the two of you to talk about her fears, concerns, background or other intimate disclosures that are imperative to having a healthy, close relationship.
  2. She wants to control you, and therefore, she is emotionally immature and not ready for a healthy relationship.

No one has the right to tell you what to do, how to respond, or how to behave. A person can tell you how your behavior affects them, and hope that you will take that into consideration if you care about them, but they do not have the right to demand things from you.

When you say you cry all the time, it leads me to understand that you would do well to get some help to uncover and discover what is really going on within you. Being treated badly can make you cry, but wanting to stay with someone who treats you badly is not a good sign. You can see that, right?

It takes two willing people to want to improve a relationship. I have big doubts that your lady has any willingness to look at her feelings, thoughts, decisions and behaviors, because it would be difficult for her. She has probably never allowed herself to consider the pain she has experienced and the toll it has taken on her ability to be in a loving relationship.

Let’s talk. In the meantime, leave her be. She believes you will run after her and meet her demands. Summon up your self-respect and refrain.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

When you are ready to talk, schedule an appointment online HERE.  Then, take my free online Passive-Aggressive Checklist with her in mind and see what your score is. You may be surprised.  Also, take the free online Relationship Checklist, and get more insights there, too.

January 31, 2015   124    Spouse/Partner  
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