We have not been intimate for almost 3 months now. I feel rejected. Am I over reacting?

q-100I started dating this man in 08/2013. We moved in together in 11/2013 and in 04/13 we moved to PA together. When we first got together we were intimate daily,sometimes twice a day but that slowly slipped away. He states its stress and the fact that he is in physical pain that he just doesnt get in the mood lately. We have not been intimate for almost 3 months now. I feel rejected. Am I over reacting? Another thing that bothers me is that on facebook, I changed my relationship status to “in a relationship” with him back in 11/13 but he will not confirm it on his page, will not acknowledge that we are in a relationship. He says people don’t need to know his business but he is portraying himself is single. I have been hurt so many times in the past and this just makes me feeling unsure how he feels at times, even though he says he loves me. Please tell me what you think. (we are both 49 years old).

Thank you, Pam



a-100Hi, Pam,

First of all, your story completely supports my guideline to couples: before you commit to living together or getting married, take one full trip around the sun together. When you do things as quickly as you two did, you get involved in the infrastructure of living before you have established an inner structure for your relationship.

Where is all the stress your partner says he has coming from? Is it from the relationship? His work? Your finances? Knowing that will help me give you a more detailed answer.

The lack of physical intimacy or sex being a sign of “rejection” is a narrow look and a broad subject. It may indeed feel like rejection to you, but that doesn’t mean that it IS rejection.  You could view it as just an indication that he is really not ready to be in a committed relationship and it manifests itself as withdrawing and withholding affection.  He may not be in touch with his fears, and therefore, unable to talk honestly about it with you. If he truly is having physical distress, ask him to go to a doctor and get the appropriate insights. If he will not, that tells you something.

I agree with your partner that all things do not have to shared on Facebook or with other people at all. However, when someone is physically “in” a relationship, it is a big question why they might want to present a “single” image on a public interface.  There are few reasons why this might be happening:

  1. The obvious: that he wants to keep his public options open.
  2. He is not fully committed to your relationship.
  3. He thinks that other people do not have a right to know what is going on in his life.
  4. He is using this issue to state his independence–to which he is entitled–and see if putting his stake in that ground pushes you away.
  5. He is using this issue to create a justifiable reason why you are too possessive.

If number three is true, as he has stated to you,  or he is adamant that that is the only reason, then the ball is in your court.

  • Is this a sign to you that he is withdrawing? (I think you have other indications that that is the case.)
  • Does his Facebook status mean enough to you to end the relationship? C
  • Can you stop the battle over Facebook and face the far more disturbing issues that the relationship is presenting?
  • Can you work with a professional to clear your personal fears and pains from previous relationships to help you look at this one with wiser eyes? (I’m always happy to work with you by Skype and you can schedule an appointment by clicking HERE.)

I hope that helps.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler


January 31, 2015   108    Spouse/Partner  
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