Not feeling the way I think i SHOULD at this point… is it time to break up?

q-100I’m 19 and my boyfriend is 23 we have been together for about 1 year and a half.

We did great for a while but this was my first serious relationship an I was not completely sure i was ready to be this committed when I first got into it.

I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me back but for a couple of months we were having problems, he felt he needed space and I felt I was not getting enough of his time. I started feeling neglected, confused, sad, and even insecure which is not usual for me because in reality I am a very secure person. Eventually I started thinking I wanted out of the relationship and we were both on the same page.

We almost broke up once but we both really love each other and after a few discussions we seemed to be doing good gain. I went through a bit of an insecure stage thinking he was cheating on me, (he had two girls that I did not and still do not know on his best friends on snapchat, and they are still there) he assured me that nothing was going on, and occasionally showed me snapchats that he received from them, but my boyfriend is a flirt and I know it. Eventually we started back up and for a couple of weeks we were great. But I recently went on a trip for a week with a group from school and in that trip I did not feel like I missed my boyfriend very much.

The first day I did but then I started having such a great time away, I did not even think about my life back home. In fact I was doing a bit of flirting myself with a guy that I must admit I am attracted to. By the end of the trip we were sharing smiles that showed we wanted a bit more than a casual friendship and ended up texting. And this might sound silly but by the time we got back home he sent a text saying “you didn’t even say bye :'(” and knowing he was being flirty I responded with a flirty “Bye 🙂 when I was going to say bye you were already in your car ready to leave :(” and that’s when I got the famous “Goodnight :)” text and without hesitation I sent it right back.

I had a dream that I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy and I kind of liked it, I realize I sound horrible for saying this but couldn’t help  but feel this attraction to him.

During this trip I heard this guy talking to his girlfriend and he would say I miss you and I cant wait to see you but I didn’t get any calls or texts from my boyfriend that sounded like that. So I guess what I am really wondering is if me and my boyfriend are ready for a breakup or if there I something left to do. I really love him but I don’t know what’s right in this situation. Should I tell him about the flirting? Im so confused please help. Thank you for your time!


a-100

Hi,

Great to hear that you are being so honest with yourself. That’s so important!

You are young and learning who you are, what you value, what your vision for your life is, and what you really want. From your story, I don’t think either you are your boyfriend are ready for anything committed together. You need to explore relationships sometimes to find out what you really want and where your growth points are. Give yourself time to do that.

If this relationship has real “legs”, you may circle back toward one another later. Otherwise, you can appreciate the experiences and learning you had together, not thinking that there is something wrong with either of you.

My opinion is that there is no good to come from talking with your boyfriend and your flirting episode. The real learning in that experience is found within you. You recognized that you are not fully in your current relationship. That’s good information! There is nothing wrong with your boyfriend, then, it’s just that the timing may be off.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

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January 24, 2015   119    Dating    
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