It seems the harsh truth is that you went into this relationship and had your eyes opened wide at the three month mark. And yet, you didn’t leave. That means you have some work to do on your own boundaries and sense of self worth. Really, honey, you need out of this one and you know that.
So, what to do now that you have a son?
- Do you not now live together with his father? You mention not wanting to send him from state to state. I’d need to know more about that to respond to that part.
- Is it possible for you and your son to leave?
- Are their restraints, parental expectations, money issues, or bridges you burned because of this fellow?
- Do you have somewhere to go?
- Are you working?
- Can your parents help?
- Are you willing to look at why you would stay with a man who is abusive to you? Sure, he may not put marks on your face or body, but he must be putting scars on your heart. And, you’re letting him…by staying.
The bottom line is that you have some important life choices to make. You are responsible for teaching your son how to live. He learns what he lives. He has a very unhappy mother who is being taken advantage of in serious ways.
It sounds to me that you thought you were entering a monogamous relationship. Now that you clearly know it is not monogamous, and shows little signs of changing, you have to make a decision in favor of yourself and your son. Considering the general history of your relationship, my guess is that your boyfriend does not want to change his behavior. You and your son deserve all his attention and he needs to make a commitment to you. And, that includes NO other women. If his parents think his behavior is OK, you have a more serious problem. If they do not condone his behavior but don’t want to lose the baby being around, that’s another issues.
If he won’t man up, you need to make a plan to leave.
Regardless of how difficult leaving is, it will be worth it in the long run: to your self-esteem and safety and to that of your son. BUT, you have to do your own work on your boundaries, self-esteem and self-confidence so that you do not get into a situation like this every again. Deal?
P.S. In all likelihood, this immature boyfriend of yours will have a dwindling interest in taking care of his son over time. His parents may want that, but this is not their relationship. Do what is really best for yourself and your son: leave.
I wish you well. It may be rocky, but it will be worth it in the long run!
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD is The Relationship Help Doctor. She works with individuals, couples, families and workplace teams to help them develop the skills, insights and solutions that lead to better communication, conflict management and collaboration. You can work with her online through Skype® or Google+, by phone, or in-person in her office in Escondido, CA, at The Optimize Center.
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Disclaimer: all advice, insights and suggestions made here are not to be construed as psychological or legal advice. Any actions you undertake as a result of reading any article, book, ebook or blog post from Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, are entirely your own. Having worked with individuals and couples for more than twenty-five years, she offers her opinions for your consideration only.