I have no trust for him nor faith in us. But i don’t wanna lose my son..

q-100This behaviour is making me crazy

So my boyfriend and i started dating while he was still with his ex which i did not find out for three months. But i was noticing other womens photos and numbers on his phone. So for the first six months he was unfaithful. Then we ended up getting pregnant. And after we found out we moved in with his parents. Thats when things went down hill. Again he was texting e mailing and seeing other women and lying to me abut it even though i knew. So i left for a month and like a fool came back. And promises of change were quickly broken. And so the story goes. To this day we fight it went from once a month to ever few weeks every few days to everyday. And i dont know what to do anymore. I have no trust for him nor faith in us. But i don wanna lose my son nor send him from state to state every weekend so what should i do?

 


 

a-100What makes it possible for you to overlook the facts that your boyfriend treats you as a convenience to have at home while he’s out scouting and tomcatting?

It seems the harsh truth is that you went into this relationship and had your eyes opened wide at the three month mark. And yet, you didn’t leave. That means you have some work to do on your own boundaries and sense of self worth.  Really, honey, you need out of this one and you know that.

So, what  to do now that you have a son?

MY QUESTIONS:

  • Do you not now live together with his father? You mention not wanting to send him from state to state.   I’d need to know more about that to respond to that part.
  • Is it possible for you and your son to leave?
  • Are their restraints, parental expectations, money issues, or bridges you burned because of this fellow?
  • Do you have somewhere to go?
  • Are you working?
  • Can your parents help?
  • Are you willing to look at why you would stay with a man who is abusive to you? Sure, he may not put marks on your face or body, but he must be putting scars on your heart. And, you’re letting him…by staying.

The bottom line is that you have some important life choices to make.  You are responsible for teaching your son how to live. He learns what he lives. He has a very unhappy mother who is being taken advantage of in serious ways.

It sounds to me that you thought you were entering a monogamous relationship. Now that you clearly know it is not monogamous, and shows little signs of changing, you have to make a decision in favor of yourself and your son. Considering the general history of your relationship, my guess is that your boyfriend does not want to change his behavior. You and your son deserve all his attention and he needs to make a commitment to you. And, that includes NO other women. If his parents think his behavior is OK, you have a more serious problem.  If they do not condone his behavior but don’t want to lose the baby being around, that’s another issues.

If he won’t man up, you need to make a plan to leave. 

Regardless of how difficult leaving is, it will be worth it in the long run: to your self-esteem and safety and to that of your son. BUT, you have to do your own work on your boundaries, self-esteem and self-confidence so that you do not get into a situation like this every again.  Deal?

P.S. In all likelihood, this immature boyfriend of yours will have a dwindling interest in taking care of his son over time. His parents may want that, but this is not their relationship.  Do what is really best for yourself and your son: leave.

I wish you well. It may be rocky, but it will be worth it in the long run!

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler 

get the relationship help you need in-person or through Skype videoRhoberta Shaler, PhD is The Relationship Help Doctor. She works with individuals, couples, families and workplace teams to help them develop the skills, insights and solutions that lead to better communication, conflict management and collaboration. You can work with her online through Skype® or Google+, by phone, or in-person in her office in Escondido, CA, at The Optimize Center.

For immediate insights, subscribe to her blog at www.RelationshipHelpDoctor.com  There are hundreds of posts there and a search button to help you find what you need.

 

Disclaimer: all advice, insights and suggestions made here are not to be construed as psychological or legal advice. Any actions you undertake as a result of reading any article, book, ebook or blog post from Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, are entirely your own. Having worked with individuals and couples for more than twenty-five years, she offers her opinions  for your consideration only.

 

January 31, 2015   103    Children/Teens, Spouse/Partner    
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