q-100I don’t love my wife but i love my girlfriend.
I get married before 1 month but i can’t forget my true love but now what can i do ? Please tell me how can i get my true love and leave my wife….
My wife never give me divorce

 


 

a-100Hello,

It is difficult when your heart is not in your marriage.  I would need some more information in order to answer you.  Here is what I need to know:

  • Why did you marry someone else?
  • Did you have this girlfriend while you were courting your wife?
  • What are your cultural traditions around marriage?
  • Does your wife know about your girlfriend?
  • Why do you think your wife will not divorce you?

I will be happy to answer your question when I have more information.

I wish you well.

Dr. Shaler

YOUR REPLY: 

Thanks for replay dear.
My wife never give me divorse because she said to me she love me a lot but i get married with her only for my mom because my mom fix my engeged without my permition and i can not do anything…
Yes my wife know everything about my girlfriend but she don’t have problem with my girlfreind but my girlfriend allways fight with me about my divorse.
What can i do ? Im indian and my family is never give me permition for love marriage but i do anything for my girlfriend.
She is my life and i am nothing without her…
I need my mom and my girlfriend are both but i dont need my wife…..plese help me

MY REPLY: 

Yes, I think that there are many people in countries with arranged marriages that have similar situations to yours. You are caught in a “culture shift.”  Your mother’s generation believes one way, and you believe another.

You respected your mother’s wishes in a traditional way, and yet you now feel caught by your decision. Is your girlfriend’s family traditional? Is this causing problems for her, as well? This is not a simple matter.

It would have been very difficult to refuse to marry your mother’s choice of partner, I know, however that would have been the appropriate course of action. You are suffering the consequences now, or you could have suffered them earlier.

That’s water under the bridge now, so here are my thoughts and questions:

  • You are married and that brings with it obligations. You promised to respect your wife. Are you Sikh, Hindu or Muslim? That enters into the mix as well.
  • Did you have your girlfriend when you married? That makes a difference, too.
  • I assume your girlfriend wants to become your wife which is why she is so interested in your securing a divorce.  Did you promise her this at any time?
  • Examining carefully your values, beliefs, vision and purpose, what are you willing to give up, and what are you unwilling to give up?  This is much more important than the answer to what to do about the women in your life.
  • Are there children involved?

Please provide this information and I’ll continue to answer your question.

I wish you well.
Dr. Shaler

YOU WROTE: 

I am hindu and my girlfriend is also hindu but my over’s perents ready for merriage but without divorse this is impossible,
our relation is 3 years old and my merrige is new but i can not feel my wife and i can not make sex with her as well.
I miss my lover.
Can i stay with thay both ?
What u say about thay both ?
I can’t leave my wife because for familly problem but i can’t live without myt girlfriend because she is my life and my everything.

MY RESPONSE: January 9, 2014

You are in a very untenable, unhappy situation for all concerned.  Your family traditions won out over your personal values and convictions when you married your wife.  It is likely your family and hers will expect children, and, as you say, you are not making love with her so that is unlikely. This will only make matters more difficult.

It is time for you to make a very grown-up decision: are you going to stand up for your traditional values and make a life with your wife, or are you going to stand up for your girlfriend and risk being shunned by two families?

No, you cannot have both unless your girlfriend is willing to always just be your girlfriend and not have children with you. If she was willing to do that, I would wonder about her self-esteem as you are all young.  And, this would also have to be an acceptable arrangement your wife would agree to.

You are at a crossroads between tradition and personal values. It is up to you to decide one way or the other. My opinion is that it is unfair to ask both women to accommodate your lack of decision and conviction.

I wish you well.

Dr. Shaler

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